Sunday, March 25, 2012

i havent had comments in awhile and i definitely look forward to reading them so thank you kind readers!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

im so tired.. i really am.. im so tired of feeling like i have the world on my shoulders. here i am taking all these shit from an ass that is my father. oh wait, i get it from my mum as well. and guess who holds it all in.. surprise surprise! i tell my friends some of it but i cant express myself enough to tell them everything even if they wanted to..

Monday, January 30, 2012

it has been crazy in my life with regards to relationships... not going into much detail for now as its nearing 1am..

Monday, January 2, 2012

it doesnt feel like there's a difference. the new year is just another day. like as if someone had forgotten to send me the party invite. or maybe i had forgotten about the party.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

i havent felt so depressed and sad over an exam paper in such a long time.

Monday, November 21, 2011

at 2am i am awake... not something new in recent days but for different reasons these couple of days.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

its been so long as always...

Saturday, July 23, 2011

attending my paternal grandma's funeral reminds me of my late grandaunt.
its weird how i was thinking of my grandaunt then my grandma loses her battle with life and passes on.

i was reminded just how fragile life is when one moment she was struggling and the next, she's gone.
you just lose the ability to think properly and its hard to stay still. but unlike movies, i remember everything. i remember every single detail.

although i'm not close to my late grandma, i still do have an attachment to her. just that simple adoration that one has when you respect an elder. i remember as we walked around the casket to say our last goodbyes, how everyone was crying at grandaunt's side.

a dear friend reminded me how death teaches us a lesson; to cherish the ones we love while they're still with us on earth. i replied her, saying how painful this lesson is.

sad things aside, i've never realised how grand my family was until the funeral. the adults were saying how when my great-grandmother passed on, my grandfather's business associates and friends and family all came down and the procession was so large they had to hire mobile traffic police. it has got to be true when all the adults, (9 siblings concur) say the same thing.
i've never seen so many people at a funeral at a sitting and realised how a big shot my grandfather was when he was around.
there were so many people who came and the adults were showing them whose child each one of us belonged to. so many of the adults were going on about how they saw us when we were small tots and how much we've grown since. it was quite awkward since we kids didnt know who all these people were. haha.
it was really a sight. a whole lot of drama entails as well, with all the money involved for the stupidest reasons.
anyways, i got to go. get ready for the day ahead.
i dread when we get to the crematorium tomorrow. all the memories.

vanessa.c

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

it's been sometime hasnt it.

not much has changed but here are some news to keep this blog a little alive.

i've started my lessons, taking acca up as a part-time studies. i'm already into my 3rd set of classes this coming friday. (:
my brain hasnt felt this fried in such a long time and its both exasperating and exhilarating at the same time. i've never thought myself as someone who would be learning accounting ever, and look at where i am. haha! though it definitely remains to be seen, if i would even pass my papers. haha!!! hopefully i'll be able to get at least a degree from this!
oh! i have my best friend ting taking the classes with me so that's a really great help! she HAS to motivate me to pass my papers. haha!!! at least she helps keep me awake when it gets a little tough. plus she's very good with her maths. haha!!! (:

i got my mum an iphone awhile back and i've been addicted to it. haha!!! i want one! but i shall be patient and wait for the new one!

i've also been really busy at work, with new staff coming in and so many interns milling around. that's beside the point really. haha! my colleagues have been really nice to be working around with actually! so that makes working less dreary, and that is really something noteworth isnt it! (:

i remembered last night, my late grandaunt.
i wish i dreamed of her.
she's starting to feel like a distant memory and i dont want that to happen. i dont want to turn into those ocd people who starts keeping everything that means something which then turns into hoarding, but i see some of it happening.
i still have a wad of cloth that she used to make her shirts sitting in my cupboard. i didnt want
to see it burn.
i have her set of keys that are no longer usable with the new locks at home.
there's a bar of soap that she bought, sitting in the toilet drawer. no one uses or will ever use, but i dont want to throw it.
i miss seeing her ashtray around, the horrid black plastic-tyre ash tray with all the burn marks. sometimes, i thought i'd see her transparent lighters on the kitchen window ledge.
i still miss her.
all the small things that used to irritate the crap out of me, are the things i miss, now that she's gone.
i wish i could hear her loud stomping on the staircase when she comes down. all her wet footprints around the house and when she steps out of the house to go down to the coffeeshop for her cup of coffee and daily gossip.
i've hardly been down to the coffeeshop and shopnsave since she's gone... i find it so hard to look at the tables and know i wont be able to see her there.
i still want to tell her i'm sorry. i always do.

vanessa.c

Monday, May 16, 2011

so much has changed since i posted in march.
my personality has changed and i know i'm not the same person.
i'm quick to anger and i've been more vocal about expressing my distaste.
i think i'm becoming more guy-ish in that sense.

i think i know the cause to all these mad behaviour. i think its my defense mechanism. whether that is true, remains unknown to me. i just need to tone it down a little.

i know how important is it for a family to have a strong male figure to lead. without a prominent male in my house, i find that i have to step up to the plate.

how is it that i dont have the good fortune of meeting decent guys and letting them change my view of men.

or maybe i just attract the scums. which, makes me one as well?
damaged goods will always be damaged goods.
no amount of scotch-tape, super adhesive glue, or whatever else will make it work. i'm probably going to be too practical to ever get attached.

and i hate it when i get this low.

vanessa.c

Sunday, May 15, 2011

15th may 2011

you have been on mind since the start of the day at the strike of 12.
its been a quick 3 years since you left.
i still imagine you around the house, looking at us when we pass the living room, when we open the fridge door.
i sometimes hope to see you at the seat at the balcony, smoking away at night. i still walk quietly towards the kitchen in the night when there's no one around, hoping you'd be there if i dont scare you away.
i imagine seeing your silhouette in the living room too you know?

i still miss you deeply and i'm not ready to talk about you without tearing up my soul. i have so much regrets that i cant forgive myself for. i cant let go until i hear you tell me you've forgiven me.

all the talk about death and life makes today even more dreary... i still wait for the Lord's answer, to the questions i have.

missing you hasnt been any easier. when does it get better?

vanessa.c

Sunday, March 13, 2011

i havent felt this stressed in such awhile.
with so many changes happening at one go, i just couldnt take it.
i like things to be systematic and i take time to create a flow to the things i do. i dont like the disruptions to the flows i create.
i dont want to be this way, but i find safety and comfort in routine.
i dont mean to be anal but that's just a madness i have that i cant rid myself of.
but they dont understand. they think i'm being selfish and i have no patience at all.
and as it turns out, friends are the ones with the listening ears. what a crazy fact isnt it.

i dont deal with changes very well but they dont know and they dont want to ask. so the whole world's going to know that i'm this anal person who only thinks for herself. yay that.

vanessa.c

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

i miss shawn and mummy so bad.
):
i called them just now and found out the guitar that was bought using the money left to shawn when my late grandaunt passed on, had broken. even with the hardcase, the handlers made the guitar neck crack. honestly how difficult is it to handle such fragile things with care?
when i heard him talk about it, i could feel the pain in his voice and it just made me cry. it didnt help also when mummy talked to me and she was saying how she misses me and how she's going to miss shawn when she leaves.
i just want them both back here. i really do.
):
why dont they have a good vet course here.

i get so upset when i see the sms mummy and shawn sent just before they left singapore and i just cry.
i dont know what else to say! i want these few years to pass really quickly. ):

vanessa.c

Monday, January 31, 2011

i dont want him to go.
)':

vanessa.c

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

its really nice, to see my close friend get attached with a guy who's so caring. i've been talking to her about that guy for a long time and once i spotted some spark flying, i got into the action and a little talking, they are finally together! (:
it just warms my heart to see her attached to someone like him and seeing how he's always so careful around her, taking care of her and making sure she's okay. (:
like i've said before, i chop my stamp of approval!

also, thank you for seeing and understanding me when no one did! you know how much i really appreciate your love my dearest vit a.! (:
i send my love to you too! (:

onto another topic that has been on my mind for quite some time but finally someone came to talk to me about it.
i was told recently that most people my age are saving money for holidays and most of their time is spent finding themselves. in a way, being slightly selfish perhaps? or just enjoying themselves before they start working and doing all the supposedly 'adult' things.
i came home after that talk and for a few days, i thought about it.
i thought about why i am doing the things i do for my brother and my mum. i thought about my future, about who i was.
then i realised, there is no need for me to find myself. i am who i am and i've agreed to take on the burden of saving my money for my brother's future, helping my mum with the expenses and at the same time, saving for my future, whatever it beholds; holidays to neighbouring countries, further education etc.
i dont know if the bible says anything about it but as an older sister to shawn and the eldest daughter to my mum, i feel obliged to do so and i do so willingly, not because i was told to.

i guess in a way, i have found myself. here is my placing in life and it might change one day, it might not.
i am who i am because i am shaped by my past, but continually moulded by God to who i will be in the future. i dont think i have to do this or that to find what is beneath this skin although a nice break every once in awhile would definitely be good.

out of the talk, she casually/jokingly mentioned that i needed therapy. haha! now that, i dont think i would disagree. not that i REALLY need therapy, but i guess an outlet wouldnt be that would it?

sometimes i feel i'm too young to be shouldering all these. then, there are times when i feel i am old enough to handle bigger things in life.

when is it time, for someone to take care of me, to tell me i've done good. but of course, i dont think i can trust guys to handle my heart much anymore. i've been burnt one too many times and its honestly tiring to keep hoping that one day, some men will make good themselves so i can have faith in them again.

i am after all, damaged goods and no one wants something damaged do they?

vanessa.c

Thursday, January 6, 2011

i just have to write this down before i sleep!
on the train, heading home from dinner with shuwei, qiqi & michael, i stood at the connecting section of the cabins and then at the somerset stop, this guy came in, standing slightly below my height. i looked at this shoes, tried to peek at his belt and then looked at his bag. not bad, not bad. within the same colour range. then i noticed that he was carrying an umbrella.
not just any umbrella mind you! the kind i really REALLY like! the transparent with the white lining at the edges! then i saw his shirt. quite unique, i for one, have not seen a shirt cloth like his. then i looked up and saw his face! woots!
(:
not a bad way to start the journey home eh?
then there were these 2 guys whom i cant tell where they're from but definitely not locals. everytime the train's air conditioning blasted at my face, their cologne smell would just snake its way into my nose. my goodness was it nice. its not those predictable hunky cologne smell. in fact, it smelt like an expensive baby lotion! so that was good!

i notice too, that the nice shirt guy was glancing my way everytime we started to move from the previous train station. haha!! in my brain, i was smiling away like an idiot. haha!!
then when i got to toa payoh, i turned slightly towards the door and the 2 nice smelling guys looked at me and smiled, gesturing to see if i was going to alight. i smiled back and nodded and they immediately smiled back and moved so i could find my way out of the not-so-crowded train.
then the nice shirt guy looked at me and when i was about to pass him, he looked at me and i immediately smiled back as he moved to give me space.
(:

i was telling shuwei how i would have given him my number if he had just asked for it! haha!! he's not too short actually. i could marry him in white flats! HAHA!!!
okay. a little bad. but it was nice to be treated with such, hmm.. class? HAHA!

oh wells!
got to run to bed for now. i'll be back after my bangkok trip!
lots of love

vanessa.c

Sunday, December 26, 2010

hello carol!
yeah its definitely good indeed! i just need to figure out what i should study now. haha! and we should meet up before shawn leaves! think i shall plan a small get-together!

i recently joined a couple of female friends for a bible study/book club about biblical relationships for women.
i had issues that i couldnt tell and i felt like i couldnt belong because i have these barriers that i wasnt ready to let go and wasnt ready to share. i've built up this mindset where i feel that i cant depend on guys to give me security and i should and can be independant. i dont necessarily need to submit to men unless they have a specific authority over me. if we are on the same level, i dont see a driving force to make me want to an assistant/helper to him.
i realised immediately, that these issues that i am facing, stemmed from the past and present relationships i have with guys/men.
i can honestly tell you now, i havent met a guy who has given a solid sense of security; that i know i can depend on him whatever the circumstances may be.
i know and i believe if given the chance, i am and able to support the guy i really respect. i know i am suspectible of failure but i know i will make the effort.

as i've read and come to realise, women are made to be helpers to men. i accept that fact, when both parties are in a committed (attached/married) relationship. i just cant accept that fact when i am faced with men who have betrayed my trust and still find that love for them to be supportive.

it's really amazing, honestly, since the elder's talk in church today was about forgiveness. i cant say if i have found it in my heart to forgive because i dont know how i should feel when i forgive someone. can i still have that memory? can i feel anger and resentment when that issue comes up? what if that person has not apologised, can i forgive without being asked to? alright, i know i can forgive even if the person does not ask but everyday i am faced with this decision to be a good Christian; to forgive and show the love Christ has bestowed on me. i struggle everytime and on most occasions, i fail. still i try.

just talking about relationships today with a guy, made me affirm my speculations that one of the reasons why i havent been able to settle for any guy is due to my belief that somehow, someway, i will be disappointed.

so until i find someone who is able to give me that real sense of security, i think i'll just be hanging around God. haha!

vanessa.c

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

to a certain extent, i think the idea of shawn going overseas hasnt really sunk in to it's full capacity. haha!!!
it just crossed my mind the other day when we had a gathering of 4 families from my dad's side over games at mind cafe and dinner, when jonathan asked me how it would be when shawn leaves for such a long period of time. then i realised, you know, its really going to make the house so much bigger, emptier and quieter. the idea of sending him off at the airport is going be crazy! i cant imagine him gone for nearly a year! i better start saving like mad so he can come back whenever he has breaks. haha!

Christmas is just 2 days away!
planned a gift-exchange for work and a "wish-exchange" to place on the baubles and hang on the Christmas tree at the reception desk! i'm even trying to get everyone to dress in the festive colours! hopefully it doesnt fall flat in my face!
i wish i had more fun with the planning with fun people.
a Christmas party next year anyone?!
i'm actually even thinking of asking the bosses to let us wear chinese new year clothes for the coming festivity. haha!!! and i will turn up in my big big baggy oriental top! haha! well, that's some time away.

anyways, a short post before i dive into a busy half week ahead. haha!!! i'll try and see if i can get pictures on after this weekend! (:

lots of love!
vanessa.c

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

i am compelled to give thanks this week, for the things going well in my life.
and yuanzhi, i'm not always emo okay! haha! i just happen to ramble on about my darker/sadder emotions online as compared to making my friends miserable!

i was given the assurance this week during a chat with my boss, that they are willing to sponsor my part-time studies should i choose to pick one up.
i am amazed at how the simple work i do everyday, do not go unnoticed by the superiors at work and they appreciate the things i do.
sometimes, when i feel so bummed about going to work, i remember that i'm working to help keep God's world in order in my own little way and that drives me to stand on the squeezy train every morning with all these random people who are working in the same world.

i've told a number of people about the kindness of my bosses and they admit that they have never heard/seldom heard of administrative personnel, getting such recognition and allowances., to the point of trying to make me stay.
obviously it works both ways where they do not need to train someone else to take my place from scratch. then again, they might have been able to hire someone for a lesser pay.
so i am grateful and i am reminded to give thanks when a good friend told me how he felt God's favour has really been on me.
(:

vanessa.c

Monday, December 6, 2010

she knows she's not a genius.
she knows with every single cell in her body, that she's not one to get a masters or even a degree for that matter.
she probably wont be any one big in society, not going to make much difference to people's lives, not going to make an impact anywhere.
never earn the big bucks to buy expensive goods.
never look as good as most people.
not as nice and good natured as she'd want to be.
she'll never be a role model or perfect for anyone.
she's just never good enough.

and she doesnt need reminders.
she doesnt need to be reminded that she's stupid
she doesnt need to be told she's lousy
she doesnt need to be hinted that she's not going to make it anywhere.

she knows.
and it hurts when the people she loves, makes all these passing remarks so casually because, she's just not that strong enough.

she knows.
i know.

vanessa.c