Monday, March 26, 2007

so i spent the day at home, and a couple hours outside.. didnt sleep well last night because mum was coughing so much.. i'm not complaining that i was disturbed by mum's incessant coughing, dont get me wrong.. it meant more like i'm worried about it, worried that it might be pneumonia and she'd have to be hospitalised.. and i'd have to take the role of being mummy, planning every day, what things that has to be done and such.. i'm not ready for such a role.. i still want to be taken care of, i dont want to have to wake up every morning, get shawn out of bed, make breakfast, clean the house and such and then visit mum at the hospital and then figure out what to do while there, then leave mummy alone throughout the night while i go home and continue more chores.. it's so tiring and having been through it a couple of times, i dont want this to happen again, it may be a little selfish to think that i want mummy home so she can take care of the household stuff.. but then again, i dont want to see her suffer with all the needles in her hand and stuff.. it's so painful to see her so tired and so not her.. she cant shout at us, she cant stand up for too long, she cant even walk longer distances.. even the stairs up to our bedroom is such a taxing thing for her lungs..
went for an x-ray today and i'm praying and hoping so hard that there wont be pneumonia.. people actually die from such things..
i want and need my mummy there for me, through my first boyfriend, through my marriage, through my first kids, through everything in my life.. i need her so badly that i think i'd die too if she were gone.. how am i to imagine life without her?
i feel so helpless looking at her as she falls asleep, just to wake up awhile later coughing... what can i do? i cant do anything and that sucks so bad..

so there's work tomorrow and the timing's changed to 0800 in the morning instead of the night shift.. which is bad because mummy will have to settle her own lunch.. and i dont want her walking to the coffeeshop downstairs in case she faints.. stupid agency..

alrights.. all my plans will probably be on hold until mummy gets better.. take care people..
loves..

vanessa