Thursday, April 26, 2007
okay, here i am to vent a little more because i need to let some steam off..
i know this something you wouldnt expect me to, being a Christian and all but i am still human and i had what you have.. something called 'feelings'
so relating to the exchanges we had, remember the part before we ended? the one about him going to 'kill him' if my future boyfriend or whatever would break my heart. i wanted to tell him,
"you might as well kill yourself"
which is what a couple of other people said too.. i mean seriously.. he tell me i deserve more and when someone else does something which he has done times over, he's going to kill that guy who did it only once.. does it make sense to you? it doesnt right?
i feel a little revengeful right now although i know i shouldnt.. not that i'm going to do anything to him or something.. i just want to show up with someone who looks better, treats me like a real man should and not like a boy did.. which is DIRECTLY refering to him.. you get what i mean? then when i stepped back and thought about what i just did, i realised, i think, i am just jealous and just spiteful..
geez!
what is wrong with me?
do i really deserve someone better?
ahh.. somehow, in some way, hongtat made me feel a little worthless although i do know that i am worth so much more in so many other ways.. he made me feel ugly although i know i am beautiful because all God's creation is beautiful.. he just made me feel so.. extra..
like a calafare or something..
and i couldnt believe that i myself had actually given him a choice.. the choice for my heart.. and he picked another.. i actually let him have a choice?! what on earth was going on in my mind? i shouldnt have to vie for his attention.. i shouldnt have to vie for anyone's attention at all.. no one should have to!!! love is meant for all and when you are attached, there shouldnt be a need to vie for attention because he should give you his attention and you should give him yours..
eh.. why am i getting angry at myself?
-.-
madness..
something is ticking away in my head and i need to find the cause of it and unroot it as soon as possible because it's driving me nuts..
i had so much to give and i was prepared to give.. and he flipped it upside down and made me feel like what i have isnt enough..
still, i cant bring myself to actually dislike him so much that i would be willing to forget him because he freaking broke my heart umpteen times..
ARGH!!!
why am i so soft-hearted?
darn..
this entire thing sucks.. and i just want someone to love and to love me for me.. and just me only..
it's a little tough, looking at my girlfriends get attached and very much in love.. and here i am, single but still quite happy..
(:
yes i am okay.. i'm not crying over someone who doesnt really bother about my feelings and treats me like a spare.. i'm just upset that i was treated that way..
i'm really okay..
(:
anyways, here's a song before i go and then head into the weekends..
sarah mclachlan
stupid
night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady me now
for i am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all i can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes
how stupid could i be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one i see
love has made me a fool
set me on fire and watched me as i floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
creating an oasis
that dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you
how stupid could i be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one i see
everything changes
everything falls apart
i cant stand to feel myself losing control
in the deep of my sense i know
how stupid could i be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one i see
i know he isnt the only one i see now, but it was in the past and i still think of him, sometimes trying to stop myself from going further and instead concentrate on things that matter more to me right now.. still, there are the times when i wonder what could have been and wonder what i've done wrongly.. this feeling sucks but i am getting over him
(:
vanessa
