at loggerheads with myself..
i dreamt hongtat and i met up at a dinner.. funny thing is, throughout the entire dream, we didnt look at each other.. all we said were the few
"how are you, hope all is good"
and the rest were just feeling weird.. feelings of just some kind of awkwardness.. i remember trying to ask him about his family but he immediately switched topics..
i know he's out of reach.. he's freaking married for goodness sake..
last night, i got really sick of just being single because wilson, the ex-colleage if you guys remember, asked me about my love life and he went on about how he's a good catch.. rather directly i have to say.. he was saying something about being a taitai and staying home.. so i replied him saying that i have to find a rich husband before i can actually be a taitai and he said
"that's me in 10years time"
and in 10years time, he'll be like what? 39?! yes, he's 10years my senior.. and he's been going on about saying things about both of us when i dont think it's going to happen.. and seeing quite a number of people getting together is rather overwhelming for me.. i know i am over hongtat so there's no question about it.. but the contradiction to the dream is this..
when i fell asleep, i told God how tired i was.. of all the people getting attached.. then i asked that He show me something.. a sign or something.. then there's this dream..
so it bugged me all the way until just now, when i poured it out to elizabeth..
then she said something
"maybe God is trying to tell you that he's not worth it anymore.. the awkwardness and all, if he's the one it shouldnt be like that.."
and you know what? it makes sense.. it makes perfect sense.. He cant possibly show me a face that i've never seen before right? then when the real right one comes along, i wouldnt be surprised and i wouldnt lean on God for assurance and ask Him for help.. all i would do is go up to the guy and say
"God told me in a dream that you're going to be my husband so might as well get it over with"
it cant possibly happen this way right? so i guess God's work is deemed right.. still, there's that nagging feeling about dreaming about hongtat again.. now, it feels all weird to say his name since i havent thought about him in like months.. so when i woke up, realising the dream was.. what i dreamt, i had this sudden feeling that something was coming out so i took my handphone and typed this...
"i dreamt of you my dear friend
how we sat beside each other with no words left to say
the usual 'how are you' werent enought to keep the conversation going so we sat in silence as time passed us by
you couldnt give of the answers i seek and i couldnt get my questions answered because you were too afraid to speak
how did we end up this way that we are friends no more and strangers once again"
he once said we'd still be friends.. but i think that's just all a lie he came up with to make himself feel better and hope that it makes me feel better too.. but nearly all guys suck at keeping promises.. i just wonder why something happen the way they do.. sure there are lessons in life.. but does each lesson have to be that painful?
anyways, on to lighter things.. booked chalet for the class during the september holidays.. 17-19th.. pretty interesting to look forward to if you'd ask me.. time of taking loads of pictures and having.. maybe meet a nice guy to talk to! haha.. like real..
have to get ready for paper next week! need.to.start.mugging...
eeyer!
-shivers-
just the thought of mugging is scaring me.. haha!! ohwells..
and here's picture from today.. had lunch out with the guys and our programming teacher.. she drove us out to eat at little india in her car... 7 of us.. had indian food because muru's a vegetarian this month.. haha.. random pictures.. the 2nd picture! that is not my hand.. the one trying to dig my nose is shuwei.. not me.. i'm not that gross.. haha.. well, at least not today.. haha.. i actually think they are all rather pretty shots.. haha!!! narcissist i tell you! haha!!! alrights then, i think i got to take my leave.. it's going to be midnight in half an hour.. i must try to do quiet time.. haha.. loves! ooh.. before i leave, i think this is a song quite aptly written for me at this time.. ignore the last part about finding the man.. i dont think i'll do that.. maybe find him to get the oc dvds to watch during my holidays.. which will be in a month's time.. woots! holidays holidays holidays!!! gimme gimme gimme.. haha!!!the corrs
forgiven not forgotten
all alone, staring on
watching her life go by
when her days are grey
and her nights are black
different shades of mundnae
and the one eyed furry toy
that lies upon the bed
has often heard her cry
and heard her whisper out a name
long forgiven, but not forgotten
you're forgiven not forgotten
you're forgiven not forgotten
you're forgiven not forgotten
you're not forgotten
a bleeding heart torn apart
left on an icy grave
in the room where they once lay
face to face
nothing could get in their way
but now the memories of the man are haunting her days
and the craving never fades
she's still dreaming of a man
long forgiven, but not forgotten
you're forgiven not forgotten
you're forgiven not forgotten
you're forgiven not forgotten
you're not forgotten
still alone, starin on
wishing her life goodbye
as she goes searching for the man
long forgiven, but not forgotten
you're forgiven not forgotten
you're forgiven not forgotten
you're forgiven not forgotten
you're forgiven not forgotten
you're forgiven not forgotten
you're not forgotten
you're not forgotten
no you're not forgotten
vanessa
