Sunday, October 21, 2007

do you feel like at some times, you just dont feel good enough to do something? you know you can do it but you just dont feel good enough for it..
currently, i'm there.. i just dont feel like i'm good enough for church or something.. it's almost like, i'm not holy enough.. not saying that i'm feeling holy when i go to church every other week.. i just.. feel like i have this barrier that's just making me feel so wrong like i'm just not the worth.. just not holy ENOUGH to go to church. it's just that thing, and yeah, it sucks quite bad..
suddenly, i feel like moving out, staying on my own.. then i dont have face certain people at home.. the certain person right now is mum because she's bloody going through menopause (or so i assume) and she's just throwing everything on me.
so what if i cant give her grades. so what if i'm not 0.1% as good as shawn. so what?!
not that it really matters to her anyway..
oh no! she does!
lower grades = bad reputation for a mummy
a not so good looking daughter = bad reputation compared to a fit son
everything's just never good enough... it just isnt..
if i dont do something she holds it against me. then she'll go round telling people saying how shitty a daughter i have been to her instead of being like shawn who does this and that and whatever he has done..
and if i do something, i NEVER recognised for it. okay, fine, only once.. but it was so subtle i could have overseen it.. it's so tiring after awhile for me.. to keep up doing the things i do behind the scenes kind of thing.. i'm sick of lying for her, for dad, for shawn.
because all i try is to stop this bloody family from separating... cover this up, cover that up.. so when anything goes wrong, i'm technically the one to blame for bloody lying.. all these things are shit work because no one bothers to cover up for anyone.. everyone's finding fault with someone especially the stupid grown-ups.. how mature can they get?

i know this issue of mothers and daughters have been going on for like, forever or something but guess what? if she wants to start it i cant be bothered anymore, to stop it. because EVERYTIME, i'm the one who pretends i'm sorry and try to talk to her. since she doesnt want to have a relationship with me, i'll just accept it and see what happens.. and guess what?
SHIT HAPPENS.

vanessa