Saturday, February 9, 2008

everytime i meet someone who asks me where i'm at now, i tell them
"ngee ann poly, IT"
then normally, they ask
"year 3?"
and i reply
"nope, year 2"
and they give me this weird look and i know what they are thinking
"she's 20 this year, shouldnt she be in year3? maybe she was in secondary5 or something"
and i try hard to ignore. or i explain, if the situation calls for it. but i mostly ignore.
then the next question they ask would typically be
"so where are you planning to go after graduation?"
and i tell the immediately
"if i can (afford) to go to university, i'll go, otherwise, i'll go straight to nie to learn to teach"
and they give me that look, one that i cant deciper.
is it a look of pity or wonder?
i dont know if i can get into university, money-wise and grade-wise. of course i hope i can get there.
then if they ask about university, the question would be
"so what do you plan to do there? continue in IT?"
and i always give the same answer
"nope, definitely not. i'm not sure what i want to do in university too."
and i add in a fake smile, hoping to lighten to mood and to make the person talk about something else. of course, there are some people who dont realise that i want to steer clear away from the message and they continue to probe and ask about other questions.
i mean, no matter how, everything in singapore is a paper-chase. we all try so hard to get to the highest peak. the highest standard we can get. degree, masters, phd and whatsnot. it's just a neverending chase that leads some to insanity..
it's tiring sometimes, to answer questions such as these, when all i do is to ask myself these same questions.
so maybe, the next time someone asks me what i want to do after i graduate, i will tell them
"i aspire to be a rockstar!!! and maybe a part-time tutor if i dont make as much as i want to."
then maybe give a sarcastic smile that leaves them speechless cause no one has said that.
(:

here's something that has been bothering me.
everytime friends ask me out for dinners on specific nights when no one's home with mum, i always try to blow them off, saying i dont want to go out or that i tell them the truth that i dont want to leave my mum alone at home.
and they tell me
"just come out with us la! she's an adult! she can take care of herself"
or when i say i'm buying dinner for her
"she can just go down and get herself her own dinner!"
and they try to persuade me to go out with them. sometimes i give in, but 90% of the time, i dont and i go home..
they say i'm filial, but how much does she know?
does she know that i've blown off so many appointments just to keep her company when shawn's out having fun with friends or off to fence?
does she know?
i dont think so. and sometimes, i'm really reluctant to go home because i know i could have so much more fun with friends, laughing and joking, instead of spending quiet time in front of the television with her.
and all she does is tell people how horrid i've been, not helping much with the housework, not keeping my room REALLY NEAT and stuff like that. i dont see the sense in that!
and the best thing?
i really wanted to keep my room, make it neat. but i was having exams just a day before the festive season, to where do i find time to do my work when all that's in my head is work and problems?

there're so many burdens that i'm carrying that it feels so heavy.. year by year, i hope things work out better. still, things either remain the same, or are worse. leave it to God i know.. but sometimes, they trouble me... and i dont really have people that i want to talk to. not that i dont trust my friends and stuff, but when i'm with them, all i want to do is to just forget these things and just have fun, because they take my mind off problems..

argh. sucky life.
on a lighter note, i want to watch movies. tons of movies.
my plans for the coming holidays
- go out with nicky & nicholas
- go down to ikea to shop a little
- rid my room of useless things
- rent a chalet for me just to relax
- work perhaps?

and that's all for now i guess.. haha! and take tons of pictures..
and here's another. valentine's day is coming.
another stupid day to remind singletons that we're single.
another day for the prices of roses to be jacked up to inappropriate prices.
another day to remind of something.
(shit you)
(:

vanessa