Tuesday, March 18, 2008
it's funny how life is sometimes isnt it?
just when you think you're done with something, it just pops up in front of you over and over.. the things we've done, the things we've said, the things we've experienced.
when all you wished for, was to put that matter away from your mind. not even the back of your head.. you want it gone. disappeared. forgotten.
yet time and time again, after you think it might be put away for good, something happens and you're sucked in, reminded, tortured, for these things that you wished never happened.
i have moments like these.. once i think something is gone for good, or at least almost gone, something reminds me.. it bites me right at the centre of who i am.
i know what they say.. things like the person you were, makes you who you are now.
i believe that. things in the past changes us, making us better (or worse)
the experiences we've had allows us to learn, to grow, to be better.
(let's just be optimisstic now)
i'm reminded nearly every week, of hongtat. the past, the pain, the joy, the everything i've gone through.
people ask me about relationships. more of like if i am attached and stuff.
and after awhile of talking, i tell them i'm not looking for anyone right now, but if God puts someone in my life, a Christian, i guess i'm ok with it.
then people ask. "must be Christian?"
and i say "yeah"
then they tell me i should open up and just date.
then i tell them the different views and beliefs the guy and i would have and stuff.
then i add "of course i know that non-Christian guys can be good too. but i have my reasons"
its difficult sometimes, as a Christian, to live up to expectations and when you do something differently, people look at you, and sometimes, all you wished is for yourself to be just normal, to do everything the non-Christians do.. date everyone you wished to date and whatsnot.
but as much as i wished i could date a non-Christian, who i can chat with, even about chairs, i know, i would try to avoid that situation as much as my heart can take it..
yeah, i have this friend who i can chat with about nice arm-rest chairs, about the weather and the future that each of us want to have when we grow up.. and even about a woman's charm.
(:
it's been long since i smiled so happily, but yes, my values will keep my heart at bay..
i do stress though, that although i believe that Christians should date/get married with Christians, there is always an exception. but that's God's perogative. not mine.. i believe, as long as the Christian introduces the partner to the religion and something good happens, i guess it's ok. but i strongly believe, and stand by the fact that marriage should be Christian with Christian.
and getting back to the topic that i was writing about, i guess for me, everytime my past comes back, i use them as a way of showing how God has been in my life, changing me for the better as i grow closer to Him rather than just believing and not practising what i believe, in my daily life. and it makes a difference to me i guess, that the steps i take helps me grow closer to God instead of telling people "yeah, i know what i did was wrong" and end of sentence. it's more like "yeah, i know what i did was wrong, but now, looking back i've learnt things and from there, i've grown and am closer to God"
of course different people have different ways of drawing closer to God. mine's just the way it is..
i guess too, that there are other reasons why such things keeps coming back.
maybe they serve as a reminder to us, to make sure we dont make the same mistakes.
maybe they are just there to help us grow as they keep coming back and when we look at it at the different stages of our life, we see the problem differently and will thus have different views.
or the cynical part of us will just view as "it's just there to torture us"
haha.. oh isnt it true..
life, is unpredictable
life, is lovely
life, is painful
life, is extraordinary
life, is weird
life, is amazing
in short, life, is love.
and love?
love, is God.
(:
and before i go, here's a song. a Christian female band i found through the show hannah montana.
everlife
save me
lookin a lot like i just got trampled on
feelin a lot like i just cant get up off the ground
no i cant get up
i was worryin about how this thing would turn out
wondering how i could make everything go own my way
its gotta be that way
funny how you hold so tight
the more it slips away
the closer that you look, it's all a blur
i need a new today
wont You,
save me
from me the selfishness that keeps me far from You
hold me
til i know i hear You say
You're not looking for perfection
just a willingless is fine
You will always have my attention
You just wanna hear me say
save me
how did i get here stuck in the middle
i wanna do right
but its easier to think about only me
it could only be
can i wake up from this life that i'm livin
tell me again that it's all forgiven
what You see in me
funny how you try to hold so tight
the more it slips away
the closer that you look
it's all a blur
i need a new today
wont You
save me
from the selfishness that keeps me far from You
hold me
til i know i hear You say
You're not looking for perfection
just a willingness is fine
You will always have my attention
You just wanna hear me say
save me
and in the song of hoobastank's the reason
"i'm not a perfect person
there are many things i wish i didnt do
but i continue learning
...
i've found a reason for me
to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you"
and my reason, is God.
(:
vanessa
