Sunday, April 6, 2008

if i've offended anyone, i apologise now, for the past and the future.
emotions are running amok now.
i dont know what i'd do without him.
i'm praying.
i'm trying to worship.
i cant sing of God's grace and mercy while this happens.
the tears just wont stop flowing, i cant find my voice.
i get all choked up watching how people sing about God's love.
i know God loves me, shawn and mum
but i dont know how to praise God in this situation.
i dont understand, comprehend, why this has to happen.
he has his entire life in front of him, ready to show us how great he'd be.
but what do i make of this situation, when the future is so uncertain.
i'd take all the pain and sorrow upon myself because i'd be able to lean on God, knowing that He'd see me through.
but i dont have the courage to tell God
"let this be Your will, i will praise You no matter the outcome"
because in this battle, i dont want to lose.
i dont want to lose, in every sense of the word.

i see people singing praises so easily, knowing that their lives are stable and God is with them.. all is well..
but in my life, i dont see the stability that i once had.
one minute he's all fine and the next thing, he's plagued with this stupid growth. the bloody tumour.
i'm so afraid of telling people that i'm afraid of losing my faith.
i know God is real.
i know He is there.
i know He lives.
but i dont want Him to give me an outcome that i'm not prepared for.

i'm praying.
i'm praying shawn will be strong.
i'm praying it's benign.
i'm praying it's nothing.
i'm praying for mum to be strong.
i'm praying for God's love
i'm praying for God's amazing grace.
i'm praying for God's healing power.
i'm praying for God's mercy.
i'm praying for forgiveness.
i'm praying for peace.
i'm praying for understanding.
i'm praying for wisdom.
i'm praying for comfort.
i'm praying.

but i dont know how to worship.
i want to worship the way i used to. when i can feel God's love, making my raise my hands in confirmation to His grace.
as much as i want to, i just cant bring myself.
i cant even complete a song without sobbing, without crying.
still i'm praying.
because i know my God is real and He loves me and wouldnt want to see me hurt this much.
it's not time.
it's just not right.

pray for me, with me brothers and sisters in Christ.
i dont want to lose..

vanessa