Monday, July 21, 2008

currently listening to: lifehouse - whatever it takes

so here's a new feature i'd try to stick to. i see it among so many other blogs and thought it'd be really fun to see what i was listening to. haha!!!so this entry is actually typed beforehand, on notepad before it was actually posted on blogger.
dont ask me why i am doing this. i personally, have no idea. haha! the randomness.

all of a sudden, looking at so many online spree shops, i have this immense, crazy, sudden urge to go shopping.. just give me the money and the time. haha.. an immense urge to buy skirts, dresses and simple tops. oh! and colourful make-up. i want a rainbow of colours. an entire spectrum of colours if i could. haha!

so i think minn and i are pretty much set for bangkok in december. her friends from uni and most probaby, her boyfriend and his friends.and i'm going to be so so lonely!!!but that doesnt really matter. i am a social butterfly!
-rolls eyes-
right. haha!!!

so anyways, sundays are always pretty good, short chats with some of the guys in class and grace too. havent really gone for bible study and it's kind of sad somehow. i know i should be doing more.
the funny thing about me is every time i say i dont spend enough time with God, i dont exactly, make things happen. i dont read the bible every night or every morning, the way i used to.
yet, every time i start fearing, feeling afraid, i start going on and on, praying and praying.. of course, these are the times that i wonder, "will God listen? will He answer? does He hate me for going to Him only when i need?"
yet time and time again, He's proven Himself worthy to be called my God. for always being there, for always keeping me safe.
personally, i admire the people who have the determination and the drive, to want to seek God's word, to find meaning within the things He has said. for the drive to want to know God more, for the amount of faith they have in Him, i admire them. why? because i dont know if i could. i look at the words that i read, and all i see, are the things that i see. no deeper meaning, no special hidden secrets He's going to reveal.
of course, there are the straightforward signs, of how much God loves us no matter what wrong we've done, and how He has forgiven all of us. that, makes me cry. when worship songs seem like as if God is talking to me, through these songs that someone else's hand has written. it never fails to scare and amaze me, to make me feel like God's really there, all the time, watching over me.

i know at certain levels, i can trust that He's going to watch over me. but when it comes to the things closer to the heart, the struggle to let God have control is just constantly there. now doesnt this sound oh-so familiar.. i guess it's going to always be a struggle, always a stumbling block, always a hindering problem, to get closer to God.
i guess i REALLY need to learn to set aside time to know God more, and let the drive take its own course, to move faster and faster, the same way racers get the thrills. always increasing, never decreasing.

anyways, attachment's coming to an end pretty soon!a little excited, a little sad. time sure flies aye.

on a side note, it's nice to hear him call my name, as always.
(:

vanessa