Tuesday, September 16, 2008

ah, another day of work.
okay. let me start ranting for now.
basically, it's about 2 cousins.
i'm not so bothered about not talking to them because frankly, i think it's a toxic relationship. i think audrey makes use of people who are nice, condemns those who she doesnt like. and she condemns my other cousins who i share a closer bond with. so seriously? is it not toxic to keep wanting to hang out with someone who doesnt like the other people i hang out with?
carol on the other hand, is older and mature and i guess i do connect with her sometimes when there are issues. but thing is, i dont see quite a lot of things the way she does. and it's so irritating when she confronts me about the issues i have with my mum because again, frankly, it's not her place to interfere in my relationship with my mum because ultimately, whether she chooses to help or not, things will work out between my mum and i.
so someone comes crying to someone else and i get questioned. here's the thing. i'm not very into telling everyone what goes on in my life. but if they choose to tell / complain to everyone about whatever falling out that happens, then its crossing my line. if they are bent on letting adults know, then so be it. then again, they shouldnt expect me to go "oh hey" and be all nice just because the adults tell me i should cherish relationships. honestly, they have to remember that people should cherish relationships that builds you and makes you a better person, not someone who belittle others. and for your information, this didnt start because of the money. the money issue just blew everything up. it was the last straw.
trust them to think it was about the money. they clearly dont know me well enough.
i'm willing to spend money on presents for friends, let alone cousins. so tell me, is it about the money? clearly not. so the problem?
the problem is this.
if you promise to do something, dont just forget about it and then say "13bucks is not important to me". it's like handing in a school assignment. if you forget, apologise, tell your teacher you'll hand it in soon. and you dont bargain with your teacher, the other ways you can hand in the assignment.
then again, should have been my fault. should have let them ordered the things online themselves, let them bear the costs of making late payment.
there i was, getting everything done on time and making sure everything's in order. and to ask them to transfer the funds to me, was such a chore.. and here's the thing. i asked carol 1 question. and she couldnt answer. here's the question
"could all these be averted if you had transferred the funds earlier?"
all she did was avoid and at the end, she said something like "it doesnt matter" or something along those lines. it could have. crystal clear.

well, they should know that it's pretty useless to go to my mum and start telling her things like "its sad" and then hoping that my mum will make me speak to them or anything. unless i have a good reason to start being nice to people who will only make use of others, i dont see why i have to speak to them. i will avoid contact with such people if i can because i dont see the use in being nice to such people if all i'm going to get is to be used. and its a fine line.
i cant tell you the number of times audrey has made use of other people's nice intentions. well, thank goodness carol isnt like that.. maybe there's something better in being the elder one after all.
but then again, i feel bad for noel.. staying over just that once, made me feel like i've been such a uber nice sister to shawn.. oh, shawn had better appreciate it. haha!!!
so, without any contact with audrey, i actually feel, relieved. i can hang out with samantha and nicholas without feeling this guilt, knowing that there's someone who doesnt like them and that i've heard of the nasty things she's said.. but thank goodness i dont have a blabbermouth isnt it.. thank goodness for that!
you know, people shouldnt assume that i was influenced by samantha. because frankly, samantha doesnt really give two hoots about what the family thinks of her. and she doesnt talk about the family when i'm out with her. in fact, we talk about personal things and the catching up with the daily lives..
and i do have my own opinions about things. it's just that i chose to shut up about the things i know.. but when the last straw comes up, thats when i let the steam out.
so with all that's said and done, it is what it is.. whatever it is they want to say, i'd let them because i dont want to care. not that the relationship doesnt mean anything to me, but because our values are different and for that differentiation, i'd prefer not to be all "buddy-buddy". sure i'd say hi when the occasion forces me to do so. other than that, i dont see the need.
honestly, it is sad to see things the way they are. but i'd prefer to keep 4 cousins and lose 1, instead of making myself miserable by keeping 1 and losing 4.

to a certain extent, it was hard, coming up with this post. i struggle with being a Christian. yet i cant help but say i dont like some people for who they are. i find it hard to accept people when they impressions they give me are ones that i do not like.. and it's not the first impressions. the impression that is cultivated over time.. the things they do, the way they carry themselves. they all add up. surely i have mistakes of my own. but since no one points them out to me and i do reflection every once in awhile, i do take note when i get constructive criticism. by constructive, i dont mean things like
"look on the bright side"
because frankly, it's not constructive and it doesnt mean anything unless i am in a sad mood.
well, it definitely beats saying "God loves me the way i am" when i refuse to change isnt it.
as much as i hated to have said the things i did, i felt i had to say it because, i dont want to feel all "damn, i should have said ___ when i had the chance to"
whatever audrey chooses to say on her blog, is her business because i
1. dont have the link
2. dont really want to bother myself
3. dont see the need to anger myself
4. i have other pressing issues in my family that i think this is a waste of time

i have said what i've wanted to say for a long time and here it is, all spelt out. splashed across my blog.
cousins or not, they should respect other cousins for their indifferences and not take advantage just because "we are family".
i'm definitely sorry things are the way they are. yet, i dont feel much remorse. the irony of it isnt it? the irony..

on a side note, meeting up with quite a number of people over this weekend.
bird
shuwei, enshao, niam (whoever else)
hopefully meeting with my dear buddy soon.. poor girl has so much going on in her life. take care buddy! things will turn out right somehow.. maybe there's good in it! you never know.
(:
hopefully meeting with shuwei and peggy next week for high tea.
then there's the 4th oct, enshao's birthday party

ending work on the 10th if i'm not mistaken.
funny thing is i'm not as noisy as i normally am after being in a company for about 2 months. this time, i'm pretty reclusive.

ah, i want to bake.
-.-
darn the broken down oven.

alrights alrights, got to go already! wednesday. 0035 in the morning.

but before i go.
i'm sure things will work out somehow between carol and audrey. but to be as "close" as we once were, i dont think it'll happen.. you know how such things are. it always leaves a scar and it never is the same. ever.

and here's a song i've been addicted to. such haunting voices and beautiful lyrics.

snow patrol ft. martha wainwright
set fire to the third bar

i find the map and draw a straight line
over rivers, farms, and state lines
the distance from 'a' to where you'd be
its only finger-lengths that i see
i touch the place where i'd find your face
my finger in creases of distant dark places

i hang my coat up in the firsr bar
there is no peace that i've found so far
the laughter penetrates my silence
as drunken men find flaws in science

their words mostly noises
ghosts with just voices
your words in my memory
are like music to me

i'm miles from where you are
i lay down on the cold ground
i, i pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

after i have travelled so far
we'd set the fire to the third bar
we'd share each other like an island
until exhaused, close our eyelids
and dreaming, pick up from
the last place we left off
your soft skin is weeping
a joy you cant keep in

i'm miles from where you are
i lay down on the cold ground
and i, i pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

i'm miles from where you are
i lay down on the cold ground
and i, i pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms


vanessa.c