Wednesday, January 7, 2009

the time of the month has arrived, very conveniently, today when i remembered to put the special "package" into my bag.
(:
it was quite a bit of a shocker since i half expected it to arrive next week because i havent really gone through the usual "5 minute hunger pangs".. and i literally eat a lot when it's arriving.. i guess it's a good thing since i'm trying to save money. haha!!!
somehow, on the way back, while listening to death cab for cutie's "brothers on a hotel bed", i suddenly just wanted to cry. i think it's the rush of hormones working but still, it kind of affected me in a manner that i havent felt so for quite some time.
i suddenly thought of that past and i thought of forgiveness.
yes, just forgiveness in general.
i found myself in a position, to be unable to forgive, that robbed me of my sleep just last night. i thought of people who have offended me and i found myself wishing something bad would happen to them. dont worry, none of them are friends and relatives. just random people that i meet along the way who are nameless faces in the mass of people that we pass by everyday.. i found my brain going round and round, wishing i had done this and that to embarrass the persons. then, when i realised i couldnt fall asleep, i just had to ask God to give me the peace of mind, to give me the heart to forgive those people for He had forgiven me of the things that werent so pleasing to Him.
it's hard to admit that i too, was in the wrong. before i could seriously ask God to give me the gift of forgiveness, i argued that it wasnt my fault and found myself in a deeper state of awake-ness.. my mind was running and running.. there was really no end to my selfish debate and finally, i gave up.
i raised my white flag and told Him i was ready to give up this fight.. i was ready to admit my mistakes. after which, i honestly, fell asleep quite peacefully and was probably in the middle of some thoughts. haha!

i realised through the many nights when i found myself unable to sleep, that i talked to God and asked Him for forgiveness for the wrong things that i've done in the day. and its not like
when i cant sleep, i ask for forgiveness.
but it's more like
i know i've done something wrong in the day and cant fall asleep at night then i ask for forgiveness.
it's like, my conscious/the Holy Spirit residing in me just wont let me go to bed! its just that scary sometimes..

forgiveness i feel, is quite a.. hmm.. from a higher calling? has a higher calling?
even i (not saying that i'm any better than anyone), have problems forgiving.. i mean, if it's some minor thing, i wont be so anal and go all bitchy about it.. if things affect me in a bigger way, i find it such a pain to be in that spot, to try to forgive. to just say "its okay, i forgive you"
then sometimes, i stress, sometimes, i remember that God forgave us of our sins without anything in return, but to just believe in Him and to listen to Him.

i know some of you might think that i'm trying to "sell" my religion here. i guess, in a way, i am.. with no ill intentions, i really wish everyone finds their rightful place on earth. i hope they find their purpose in life as messy as it is. i dont know why some people choose not to believe in a God, but i hope they do someday.
i'd like to believe that there is a god, who watches over us all the days of our lives, always doing things that, in the end, is for our good.
i know, there's no way that i can prove to you that my god exists without divine intervention. i cant give you statues and say that He looks like this and that.. i just know somehow, that He is real.. i look back on my past and i know He's been molding me.. for the moments of spiritual high, the closeness, the impeccable trust, i know He's there.
for the special moments that i call miracles, i know some of you guys might argue that it's pure coincidence..
dont we all have names for the similar things.. (:

so, its already wednesday night, and the chinese new year is coming in a couple of weeks. hopefully, every thing's going to be better from this year.
and i did realise that i never really did round up 2008. maybe, i'll try to write something special. haha!!!

death cab for cutie
brothers on a hotel bed

you may tire of me
as our december sun is setting
because i'm not who i used to be
no longer easy on the eyes
but these wrinkles masterfully disguise
the youthful boy below

who turned your way and saw
something he was not looking for
both a beginning and an end
but now he lives inside
someone he does not recognise
when he catches his reflection on accident

on the back of a motorbike
with your arms outstretched, trying to take flight
leaving everything behind
but even at our swiftest speed
we couldnt break from the concrete
and the city where we still reside

and i have learned
that even landlocked lovers yearn
for the sea like navy men
because now we say goodnight
from our own separate sides
like brothers on a hotel bed
like brothers on a hotel bed
like brothers on a hotel bed
like brothers on a hotel bed

you may tire of me
as our december sun is setting
because i'm not who i used to be


just in case you want to know about the meaning of the song, here's the link! (:
brothers on a hotel bed song meaning

vanessa.c