Monday, February 23, 2009

as i contemplate on what i wanted to write earlier this day, i was struck by a song i was listening to.

no more trying to run away from
tired of being afraid of
what i can't control
the hardest part i'm always told
is letting go

safe and sound
knowing that You're big enough to
wrap around my heart completely
safe and sound
just knowing that You know me

which is taken from mercyme's "safe and sound"

recalling my previous post, i realised i havent been trusting much lately. i havent been spending time with God, being caught up with school work and everything else that shouldnt matter much to me.
i questioned the strength of my faith today when i was spending time with frances and shuwei, wondering where the solid rock of my faith had gone. was i less faithful, was i backsliding, was i less trusting.
i didnt want to be at the place where i was lost and just waiting for something to happen and yet, i wasnt doing anything that could have kept me going up.
and while i thought about all these questions, i realised i needed to connect with God again, after so long. i played the Christian music playlist and just couldnt stop moving my lips to the songs. somehow, i think i have this innate feeling so wanting to reconnect with Him everytime i'm close to moving farther away. i wanted to just feel comforted again, knowing that i am watched over.
i'm trying to make time once again, to set aside time in my every days to spend a part of them with Him to just feel the peace i once had.

it scares me sometimes, when i pray and wonder if He hears me.
i should know that He always listens but there are times when i feel so small and guilty for the things that i've done wrong that i dont want to talk to God just because of that guilt and making me feel unworthy of His attention. but i know that no matter what, He's always there.

i'm still learning to let go and let God do His work in my life. i know i've been holding back, wanting to make things go my way instead, wanting to take things into my own small hands. by holding back, i can feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and i know it will be soon that i will bend, i will break. so, i am still trying to give God this part of my life to Him, knowing that He is in control, always.

its funny, i realised, i cant put what i want to say into words when i'm talking about my religion. i can be all sarcastic when the horrid passerby came along but when i'm talking about this, i just cant find the words. its just a feeling that makes me want to write and somehow, nothing comes out the way it should. it's supposed to be more colourful and with a whole lot more emotion. funny isnt it. it sure is.

mercyme
something about You

where, where do i begin
how do i say whats on my heart with paper and a pen
how, how can i describe
the God of all the universe and make it rhyme
i just wonder if its worth
painting You with so few words
oh, with so few words

still, there's something about You
that keeps me in pursuit of who You are
i will spend my days finding ways to praise
the glory and the grace of who You are

why, why do i even try
if i could speak the tongue of every man i'm still tongue-tied
what can i say about You
when everything i have wont do
oh, it will not do

still, there's something about You
that keeps me in pursuit of who You are
i will spend my days finding ways to praise
the glory and the grace of who You are

as long as life runs through my veins
i will live to praise Your name
and if a hundred years i live
i wont even scratch, i wont even scratch the surface

still, there's something about You
that keeps me in pursuit of who You are
i will spend my days finding ways to praise
the glory and the grace of who You are


vanessa.c