Wednesday, May 6, 2009

ah yes, its finally here. funny how it starts at night instead of the morning. periods. tsk.
i think it's going to rain tonight though i havent smelt rain. then again, i havent smelt rain in a long while. and i miss it terribly.

tomorrow.. i'll be baking! hopefully things come out really nice. haha!!! qiqi's coming over despite her exam period. that crazy girl. we'll be doing cupcakes with tons of icing. major sweet tooth, the both of us. major.
if things come out nice, anyone wants?!
(:
either way, will probably leave a couple for a few friends. then again, if it comes out weird, then.. maybe not. haha!!!

i just started doing craft stuff just two days ago and it takes up a whole lot of my time and i'm quite thankful for that since i have nothing to do and it help keeps my mind of other things.
i've just completed a photo frame and i havent uploaded it to my laptop yet but i'll do so soon! probably have to do a little more touch-ups to perfect it a little more.

dont we all want love really?
the beggar on the street
the lady at the cashier
the sea of faces you pass on your way to somewhere
no matter how old we are, where we are, we all need and want love.
and life, does get sad without love.

i dont know where this is going but all i know is that i'm feeling so... i dont know how to put it.
i feel the love from my friends, occasionally my family and i have been feeling a little left out in the spiritual department. i think i need to reconnect again. i'm always moving away, always backsliding, always forgetting. and i know i have tons of experiences in my life, to know that my God exists in my life, to know that He's real. yet, there are times when i question myself. then, i get this immese self-loathing, that i've done something wrong by allowing me to think this way. is there something wrong with me? or could this be normal.
in my struggle, i know i always find my way back to Him. but i dont want to struggle so much and be so afraid of losing my faith. because i cant live without knowing that my life ends once it ends and there is no eternal consequences and everything that happens here is what it is and for no rhyme or reason.
i dont want to tell people i believe in God and yet have nothing to prove.
i want to know the facts and have answers.
yet, i know i will never have all the answers but a relationship that i may never always understand.

i'd like to think that i'll be married one day, to have a nice career, have kids, have my parents and brother with me all through the days of my life, to watch the milestones of life.
i still am afraid of the future but i'll take it a day at a time, knowing i have God to help me through.

i'll hold out my hand and in it my heart
i'll surrender my mind and thoughts

vanessa.c