Wednesday, May 20, 2009

i want to see her again
i want to see her sleeping and snoring
i want to hear her voice and laughter again
i want to hear her slippers
i want to hear her keys knocking against each other as she walks
i want to hear her wash her hands using excessive amounts of water
i want to hold her warm hands

i hope she's not lonely
i hope she's not cold without her pink checkered jacket
i hope she has a nice comb for her curly hair
i hope she doesnt have to take any more medications
i hope she doesnt have to wear her dentures anymore
i hope her knees are not giving her problems

i want to tell her i'm sorry for all the things i've not done and for the things i've done
i want to tell her i miss her badly everyday
i want to tell her i need her here now to tell me everything will be okay
i want to tell her i will always remember to bring a jacket when i'm going out sleeveless
i want to tell her i will always make sure i'm decently dressed
i want to tell her i always cared for her but never showed because i was angry at her for always smoking and harming herself and that i didnt like the smell
i want to tell her i will always remember the love she has shown me throughout my life
i want to tell her i will always remember the way she stood up for me even when i was wrong
i want to tell her i will always remember her

i want to know she's with You
i want to know she's dressed in white
i want to know she's in no pain
i want to know she's watching over all of us
i want to know she's smiling having seen You

she doesnt look like her picture.
i remember her mole on her cheek.
i remember the way she reads the newspapers.
i remember the way she wipes her face when its wet.
i remember the way she walks around the house, the route she takes.
i remember the way she eats food, always slurping, always using chopsticks.
i remember the way she likes to look for things to munch in the middle of the day and night.
i remember the way she shivers when she's cold.
i remember the way she always likes to complain about everything.
i remember the way she looks at me.
i remember the way she walks down the stairs.
i remember a lot of things about her.
and i dont want to forget.

i hope you're okay and in heaven with God, with Jesus.
i hope you accepted God when we weren't there.
i hope heaven is as beautiful as you dreamt it.
i hope you've forgiven me.

i wish i knew you were going.
i should have seen it coming.
i should have known.
i'm sorry for not being there for you.
i'm sorry for being such an asshole.
i'm sorry for so many things.

i know you would forgive me
but i want to hear from you.

i miss you so badly.
why didnt you wait?
we all miss you and hope you come visit and tell us how beautiful heaven is, how bright God is, how the angelic voices welcomed you into His presence.

i will always miss, remember and cherish your presence and love.

vanessa.c