Monday, May 25, 2009

i wrote a poem but found it too difficult to complete,
every sentence that i form makes me weak.
i couldnt find the right words to say,
to make you come my way.

life has been okay when i dont give the matter much thought.
but each time i see the empty space, i feel the void in my heart.
i know all these things will happen one day but i just didnt expect to see death face to face this soon.
it feels harder for me when i have so many things i wanted to tell her.
i had so many promptings, telling me to talk to her but i dismissed everyone of them.
i have so many regrets and i'm still not over the loss.
every day when it's 1230 in the afternoon, i remember her face and the entire day.
everything flew by me so fast and yet, so slow at the same time.
i remember the medics, the police, the family members, the doctor, the crying.
it just floods back and like movies, as cliched as it sounds, the entire day plays back like a spoilt recorder. it just goes on and on, repeating the same things over and over again.
i never imagined myself at a funeral of a loved one. i have given it thought but never expected the day to come this soon.
i wished she would be here to see my 21st birthday, shawn's 21st birthday, see her great-grandniece/nephew, see more weddings and everything else in between.
everything just floats around in my head and i have so many things that i dont know where to really start.
although i honestly wished someone else whom i have in mind, should have died in my grandaunt's place.
she was like the grandmother i never knew.
taking care of shawn and i all these while.
yes, i still miss her dearly and painfully as i wonder where she is.
i thought i heard the sound of her snoring on saturday night.
i pray for peace and His saving grace and mercy.

i thank you to those too, who have been there for me through my trying times and especially elizabeth who was put through 2 or 3 nights of my crying and mourning, and for talking to me about things that i am very appreciative of. for the book and constant text messages on alternate days.
for shuwei, for frances, for serene and jane, for ting, for minn, for huifen, for darren and sengwai, for cornelius, joel, gabriel, for aaron.
words alone cannot express how grateful i am for the support and encouragement and even if it was just your presence. thank you.

vanessa.c