Monday, June 15, 2009

even with all the dictionaries at my fingertips
the appropriate words will never come my way
for You always leave me with nothing left to say

i havent been sleeping well for the past week for i dont know what reason.
i've been reading this book given to me by bird called when God and grief meet.
i read the stories inside and the snippets of bible verses and i cry before i sleep. comforting words that come from people who have been there and been through it all. still, they're dealing with the physical loss while i'm thinking also about the spiritual loss.
i dont know what happens after life and what happens in the afterlife without God.
i'm afraid i wont see her in heaven.

i liked the part where the author talks about how we dont get over the pain, but we get through the pain.
i mean, as of now, it still hurts my heart when i think of her and the tears still come, but it's not as painful as when it first started.
the other day when we went to the mandai crematorium and columbarium, i saw her picture and i didnt react much. i thought it was all getting better. i really did. however, when we were about to leave, my mum told me to tell my grandaunt that we were leaving, i completely lost it and it all came out as i placed the flower beside the picture of her. it almost felt like as if she was right there with us. i still feel the pain just thinking of it.
for the week after she left, i kept looking around in case i might see her at home.
then, the other day, i read the bible and i realised, it couldnt happen. its either heaven or hell and there's no in between. it definitely pains me so know that there's no way to hear her or feel her presence while i'm still alive.
though i wonder about spirits and all the paranormal stuff.

well, i believe that God will make all things beautiful in His own time.

vanessa.c