Wednesday, June 3, 2009

slowly but surely, things are getting better.
my heart still tenses up and my nose aches while my tears still form at the back of my eye, when i think of her.
another funeral is taking place downstairs.
a neighbour's funeral in april
my grandaunt in may
another one in june
it's such a cruel fact that we have to live with; losing people we love to death.
i believe that death is a beginning to another life in eternity.
i've been trying to comfort myself the past couple of weeks, trying to know what God has in store for me.
there are things that i choose to hope for.
its hard to talk about death so casually when in all its reality, it something that hits us so suddenly.
there were so many things that happened during the funeral that broke my heart, that tore right into my soul.
when they cleaned her body, when they chose her favourite blouse, when the monks did all the chanting, when my mum called me to call out to her one last time before they closed the casket.
when i stood beside the casket at 3am in the morning with my cousin, saying how much we wanted to tell her things and missing her.
when they carried the casket to the van, when they put her in front at mandai, where we lay our flowers, when we saw the casket move into the furnace.
its so hard to talk about it yet i dont want to not talk about it because i know, it's not going to get any better if i dont say. because my heart still hurts like mad and i cannot control the tears that are constantly coming out as i remember all the things. because i know its not going to go away and no matter how much i try to not think about it, it's going to haunt me.
i try to believe that at some point, God will give us His loving kindness and mercy.
i'm still trying to rest in His presence during this time but i find it hard to let go, to let His arms hold me as closely as He could. but i know, He's always here, always waiting for me to fall into His arms.

slowly, but surely, i'll find it less painful to talk about my grandaunt.
the images are still clear in my head, all the things that happened. its so vivid its quite scary.
i havent dreamt of her and i hope i do one day, God permit.
things will get better... so they say.

vanessa.c