Monday, August 31, 2009

i'm really tired.
mentally worn out.
suddenly, there's so much anger, resentment and rage.
i just need to avoid that irritating old woman who's stretching my limits so far i think i'm about to split.
why my mum's always shielding her i have no idea.
i stayed home a little longer on sunday because i needed to change and wash the bedsheets and every other thing in between. didnt help that it rained! how is my mum to bathe when she complains its so cold even when the weather's warm, what more on a cold rainy day?
and that sickening woman just had to talk in cantonese, like i dont understand, like i wasnt right beside her and say"
"she should come earlier."
and when my aunt said because it was raining, the sickening person had to say
"why? rain cannot bathe ah."
F F F F F F F
i'm so pissed i cant just be nice.
because its so hard to forgive when she thinks i'm some spoilt child who "sleeps like a dead pig." you say it once and i can say i forgive. second time? i'm sorry but i dont think i can give her the respect she should receive.
it certainly didnt help that my mum didnt even bother standing up for me.
she was the one who agreed to bathe in the evening after dinner but she wanted to rest. so whose bloody fault is it?
why not that sickening woman come over to my house to wash my mum's underwear, take out the bedsheets, change the bedsheets and wash them and then hang them out to dry then also to wash my shoes. then, i go over and bathe my mum.
how about that?!
would work fine wont it?

dammit.
i was so pissed i didnt even bother saying my goodbyes to the both of them.

all my life, all i wanted was for my mum to stand up for me. to tell the people who say nasty things about me to shut the shit up. but on three specific occasions that broke my heart, she didnt.
i find it so hard to forget, to forgive.
whether those people meant what they said or not, i dont care. as long as she doesnt stand up for me, its her fault.
to make a child feel like shit, to know her mum allowed someone else to say her daughter was picked up from a rubbish bin is never right.
to say that she could pretend that she never had this daughter is never right.
to allow someone else call her daughter a dead pig is never right.
who is that sickening woman to call me that when i never slept well for 2 weeks, spending every waking moment at the hospital and coming home to do laundry and trying to make sure everything's in its place.
i'm only 20 going on 21.
i've never been a mum, i've never had so much responsibility, to do so much at such a sudden moment. dont you think i've already done so a lot, to stretch myself this far?
why cant my mum take that stand for me? to tell that piece of crap that i've already done so much? is it not good enough for her? that i havent done enough?

i feel like i'm carrying so much on my shoulders. i know Jesus is always here but i need so much cause i feel so much.
i want someone to tell me that i've done the best that i can and that i'm going to be okay.
i need someone to tell me that my mum was wrong in not standing up for me and they will.
because i have so many things in my head i think i could die.
i couldnt take it this afternoon and just as i lay down to rest, i broke.
i broke and cried out to God.
i missed my grandaunt and wish she was here. i know she'll do a much better job that the sickening woman. i know i'll still be able to take much more when she's taking care of my mum and i know i'll still be able to lead a more normal 20 year old life. i know that she wont blame me for resting more. i know i wont be blame for doing the laundry first then bathing my mum.
how is 10pm late really? how can bathing at 10pm be so late?
i feel so tired.
i feel so worn out.
i feel like i'm about to break.
i feel like i'm about to die.
i feel so much yet i dont know what are the right words to say to make things alright.
if only someone would tell my mum cause i cant say it right when i'm always so emotional when it comes to shit like these..

vanessa.c