Saturday, October 10, 2009

i've been reading postsecret for quite some time already. the thing that always gets me are the postcards about losing someone, loving someone, missing someone and thinking of someone. mostly, about love. i read them, get emotional, and it just reminds me of so many things.
the past few weeks, prior to my birthday celebration on saturday and including this week, my late grandaunt has been on my mind every single day.
you'd expect that things are better and that i'll just smile when i am reminded of her. yet, it doesnt happen. once she's in my mind, i find myself wishing so badly she's back here with me. i remember the way she looked when i found her, the day when the casket was incinerated. i remember everything so vividly i cannot help but cry.
my mum warned me the day before, it would be something that i'll never forget. i never really knew how badly it would be etched at the front of my mind, of the pain in my heart. why does death happen. why cant everyone live their lives forever, staying the way they are, at their best, forever. forever in their prime, never to fade. no need for new population, no need for advanced technology.
i just never knew and never expected something like this, to always be on my mind. i promised my aunt a span of 6 months to grieve. but it's nearly the end of the 5th and here i am, remembering everything about her. i am reminded of the sounds of her slippers when she's walking along the corridor, the words she'd use when she's angry, the way she'd laugh, and the way she looks. i cant bring myself to let go somehow i think. i dont know why i cant let it come to terms. i dont know what's keeping me from finding peace.
i miss her so badly.
i should have been there when she was leaving, when she needed help.
i should have done so many things but i didnt.
and this is probably the price i'm paying.

i just wish, she was here you know.
to make everything normal again.

vanessa.c