Saturday, December 5, 2009

i caught new moon!!!
i am in love love love..
and i'm very emotional.
extremely emotional.

i want 1 part edward and 2 parts jacob rolled into one. haha!!! there were a couple of damn cheesy parts that just made me laugh and there's the part where taylor lautner took off his shirt.. to die for..
i feel so paedophilic just talking about a younger guy. HAHA!!!
all in all, not too bad i guess? i cannot cannot CANNOT wait for eclipse to come out. HAHA!!! june june june!!! hurry come!!!

on another extremely emotional note, someone called from johor this morning, asking for her. my mum picked up the phone and when i heard her say in cantonese, "she's not here anymore, she wont be coming back, she's dead." i just wanted to cry. i could hear the pain in my mum's voice when she finally said that my grandaunt is no longer here.
things arent getting any easier.
everytime when the days get so dreary, i keep wishing that its just some mistake. i just really want to wake up and see her in her spot in the living room. i want to hear her drag her slippers when she goes out and when she comes home. i want to smell her cigarettes drifting around in the house even though i hate it so much. i want so much to bet with her if it's going to rain tonight or if it's going to be another dry day.
and i was just reminded of the silly betting when ting told me she does the same thing with her mum. i want to reminded of her, though it hurts.
i want to be reminded of her so i can remember her. i dont want to forget that she existed and i dont want to forget the things about her.
i dont like to go down to the supermarket and the coffeeshop downstairs because each time i do, i can picture her sitting there with her coffee and stick of cigarette in her hand. and everytime i have to close my eyes and look another way. i miss her so badly when things are boring, when things are good, when things are bad. because she always knows what to do or say. because she knows what i like and dislike, and she remembers my silliest habits. stuff my parents dont know until she tells them.
and again, i was reminded of it when i was telling my dad that i couldnt shit. and he told me that my grandaunt had told him about me asking for a glass of water when i was younger when i had problems trying to crap.
so many things remind me of her lately.
and it's getting to me.
its getting harder.
its painful.
i cant talk about her without crying.
i cant look at her picture without all these crazy emotions welling up.

this is supposed to get better with time.
this is supposed to be easier with time.
but it isnt.

vanessa.c