Wednesday, December 23, 2009

this Christmas feels like any other, except that i'm missing someone.
i was having lunch at work when i decided to go into facebook. i saw aicheng's comment and i feel her pain.
i went to visit my aunt today after work and she was telling me about one of her days at work.
it happened to be a dreary day after getting scolded by an unruly customer. i think it was also a special day on the chinese calendar and she remembered my grandaunt and she just wanted to cry.
i saw the tears that she hid behind her smiling exterior and i wanted to tell her i miss my grandaunt so badly too.
i miss my gupo so much it feels like she was gone yesterday.
sometimes, i think i hear her.
sometimes, when i turn off the lights before heading up, i look around the places where i usually see her, hoping that maybe, somehow, she'll be there. perhaps a figment of my imagination would suffice. i keep thinking i'll see an outline of her, a white mist or something. i just want something there that tells me she was here before, that she existed.
because everything is changing and i'm so scared i'll forget her. i miss her voice so much. her sisters resemble her so greatly yet at the same time, they are so distinctly different. they have so many similarities in their character and yet i dont see my gupo in their eyes. yet again, i see her in them. its so contradicting and so baffling.

my first Christmas without the grandaunt who took care of me while i was young, who held me, who cooked for me, who knew so many things about me, who loved me.
its still so painful and i cant keep on telling myself i'll be okay when i know i'm not.
because i miss her everyday and it's not getting better.
the tears fall harder, faster, stronger.
i cant think of her and smile.
i dont handle goodbyes well.
i cant do goodbyes.

vanessa.c