Thursday, February 11, 2010

the past few days has been dreary because i am reminded of her. i see funerals and everything floods back. contrary to what some people testify to, i can remember everything. the vivid colours of the casket, the way she looked when she lay in it, the way she looked when i touched her cold cheek. i remember seeing her dentures on the floor and i still have this feeling she was struggling. that she threw it out to try to get my attention and i wasnt there for her.

i dont care what people tell me, about my grandaunt knowing i was in the house with her when she passed on, because i still believe she was calling for me but i was too ignorant to go down downstairs.

this guilt feeling doesnt go away. it doesnt make things better. things arent getting better. they're still as painful. maybe time wont heal this pain. because i'll never know if she was angry at me, if she was struggling, if she was trying to call for me.

because i still want to tell her i'm sorry. sorry for the things i did wrong, and sorry for the things i never did. because deep down, no matter how hard i try, i think, i still love her.

and it cuts me so deep when i wasnt filial to her and i threw my stupid shitty fits. because i regret so many things and i know i'm never going to have the chance to make it up to her.


and now, i wish my grandfather died. i wish that all the time at her funeral. i wish he died in her stead. he was never much for a grandfather to begin with, when he gave my cousin hell when she was only a young teenager. for always wanting to satisfy his stupid sexual desires. for always only having money on his mind. yes. i think, i hate him.
he didnt even ask to visit my mum when she had her operation. what sort of shit father is that?

as a normal person, i find it so terribly hard to love him. as a Christian, i've failed in my commandment to love. why couldnt he have passed on instead of my grandaunt?
if her death is a lesson to cherish him, i'll tell you i'm not learning it.

i love my other grandaunt because i know she cares for me even though she was so annoying in the beginning when she was taking care of my mum.
but ask me to care for my grandfather and i tell you its quite impossible. i hate his guts.


i miss her so badly when the house is quiet and all i hear is the wind blowing.
i miss her everytime i step into the house and see the empty space where she always lies.
i miss seeing her things around the house; her packet of cigarettes, her orange-reddish specks of a glasses, her metal cup and all the spots of water where her hand touches. i miss so many things and i remember so many things.

can i have her back God?
even for a day.
please.

vanessa.c