Sunday, March 28, 2010

saturday passed me by so quickly.
went down to the cemetery to visit my great grandmother and grandmother's grave. we're going down again on the 24th for the exhumation of the graves.
we visited quite a number of relatives, from lim chu kang to mandai.
i've never seen so many headstones ever in person and it really opens your eyes to a whole new world that we city dwellers have never seen. it never occured to me that singapore could have so many people who have gone. as in, i know many people died but it doesnt hit you as hard as when you see all these graves. those with pictures and those without.
i was at my great grandmother's grave when it struck me, how different heaven and hell can be.
i felt the hot sun on my right arm and the cool morning breeze on my shaded left arm. we all know these 2 places are very different and again, a personal experience really makes the difference, makes the impact.

the last stop we made was at my grandaunt's niche.
i saw it coming.
somehow, i was unprepared.
i see her picture and i remember how she looked like when i found her.
i know the pictures doesnt do her justice because the prominent mole is gone, the deep set wrinkles all photoshop-ed away.
i remember how she looked like when she was laughing.
i remember everything.
and again, i broke.
in a way, i found it easier. not because i'm getting over her death but for the few friends who knew what i did when i needed comfort during the festive period.
it helped, knowing God knows and me having faith that He will make everything beautiful in His time; even if it means i'm hanging on to a thin singular thread of faith. i know He knows and He will keep me.

i still have issues with my so-called grandfather and there's still so much hate and anger towards him. i could go on and on about how mean he was but forget it, i'll leave it as it is. i cant try to be nice when he's all that he is. everything's about money.

it kills me everytime i remember the small things. i walk in the routes she walks around the house and touch the things she once touched. i never want to clean the remote control because its the one thing that no one bothers to clean and i know she always holds it in her hands. its like, holding the one thing that has traces of her.
its frustrating to know i'm doing all these things to hold on to memories of her but at the same time, i dont want to stop doing it.
i'm really afraid i'll forget her voice.
i'm really afraid i'll forget the things she'll say and the way she reacts.
when one of my aunt jokingly called my grandaunt by name instead of the usual 'aunt' status, i can hear my grandaunt laugh and slap my aunt on her back and answer 'oy' back.
when my other grandaunt talked to her and told her that we're here to visit her, i can imagine my grandaunt looking at all of us and asking us how we are and if we have eaten and asking us to partake with her. the images of the things she would do are so vivid, it's almost like i know she's doing it to everyone of us and i'm not imagining it at all.

it's going to be a year since she's left and i still remember everything like it happened just this morning. it's one more reason to hate may.
everything in may is not good.
graduation was in may and i had to leave a bunch of good friends to go our separate ways.
someone's birthday is in may and i find it hard to forget it, the way i remember my family member's birthdays.
and now, i have to go through may with her anniversary.
i cant even bring myself to say the word.
it's filled with so much finality that if i say it, i would forget her.

when will heartaches ever end?
i'd like to believe in God's love, grace and mercy.
at the same time, i am aware of the consequences of the other choices.
i wish, i had all the answers.
then again, there wouldnt be faith anymore would it.

i'll hold on to the dreams i had of her, having faith that God's speaking to me the way He used to when i never really wanted to or could listen to Him.

mercyme
something about You

still there's something about You
that keeps me in pursuit of who You are
i will spend my days finding ways to praise
the glory and the grace of who You are

vanessa.c