Saturday, March 13, 2010

this week, i went for a funeral.
a secondary school teacher's funeral to be more exact.
i saw the whole set up and those priests and the layout of the food and candles and the coffin.
i should be okay, i tell myself.
i sit down with friends and the chanting and the music came on.
the images of you swirl around and i remember coming down from the house to see everyone around you, mummy tell me to say my last goodbyes as they close the lid.
i remember you from my point of view.
your eyes closed, your hands clasped and placed on your stomach.
is peaceful the right word to say when i've seen you at home, your hands outstretched.
it was a facade i wanted to scream.
this is not right.

i see the family milling around and people coming to pay their respects.
i remember your friends coming too, even people so much younger than you.
i see how you have impacted them that they would come even when they probably never knew who your family were.

i still miss you dearly and i havent found the courage and peace to smile when i think of you.
maybe it's getting better or maybe it doesnt hurt as much when the days are less festive.
i still hope sometimes, to hear you open the door.
to smell the faint smell of cigarettes lingering around the house.

i remember your face so distinctly and still, i'm afraid i might forget.
i fear that day will come when i cant recall how she looks like.
i fear i might forget how she sounds like.
and all i have are memories of her through photos.
and my heart pains at the thought of just losing any part of her from my mind.

the teacher's funeral brought back again, a lot of memories.
chinese new year and i remember the places she would be at home, doing this and doing that.
teacher's funeral and i remember her face and everything about her funeral.
i dont regret going because in that morbid sense, i feel like i'm not losing her in my head because everything's still a little fresh.
the emotions, the images, the sounds.

some say such things happen so fast that they cant really remember things. that everything happened like a whirlwind.
to me, everything was what it was.
there was no fast or slow.
things just happen and i take everything in as the minutes and seconds pass.

is it okay for me to be still so attached to someone who is long gone.
is it normal to miss someone so much.


on to something less depressing...
had dinner with ting, shuwei, elyse, minn, yensoon & edmund. dinner was so fun and we talking about relationships until 1am.
(:
shuwei left early because she lives so far away. if only she moved to toa payoh/bishan/braddell. haha!
(:
i'd like more of these, to feel old and just sit around a table and talk about silly things.

vanessa.c