Monday, April 26, 2010

i needed to talk to someone but i think, i havent found someone right to share problems with. i mean, the person i want to talk to is studying for her papers and i dont want to disturb her as yet but i'll meet her after to talk.

we had a gathering on saturday morning at 12am, at choa chu kang cemetery, to witness the grave digging of 2 ancestors.
my great grandmother and my grandmother.
the idea of going to a graveyard at such a time kind of creeped me out.
i prayed really fast and quite repetitively, asking for peace and for His protection.
i think i would have annoyed myself if i were looking from a third person's standpoint. i cant stand repetitive sounds (with the exception of music). like the sound of nails tapping and screeching chairs.
the whole thing was quite an experience, seeing how solid the coffins were, how small sized my ancestors were, the smell of the wet mud and all the water inside the coffins and the skeletons.
they even found a jade bangle my grandmother was wearing when they buried her.
the following morning, we went to the mandai crematory and placed both of them beside my late grandaunt.
the story behind it is that the 3 of them were very close during their younger days. my great grandmother would sit and make all the peanut pastries, while my grandaunt and grandmother helped. in fact, my grandaunt introduced my grandmother to my grandfather.
(my grandfather is my grandaunt's elder brother)
so my uncle told me that after the niche was sealed and the taoist priest has finished saying all the rites and rituals, that he could imagine the 3 of them, all sitting together happily, reunited once more.
i had the same image in mind as well, except i can imagine them thanking my mum and asking us to enjoy the food with them.
my uncle also said something else, that really struck a chord with me.
initially, when we placed my grandaunt's ashes into the niche, they gave us a supposedly bad spot because she was at the bottom. after awhile, my mum had the idea of exhuming greatgrandmother and grandmother's grave because incidentally, there were 2 spaces beside my grandaunt. just 2 spaces. nothing more, nothing less. coincidence, it could be. but i'd like to believe God made it this way for us to rest that little bit easier.
its still hard for me, to look at my grandaunt's picture and smile.
i dont know if its guilt, regret, or if i really truly, purely, miss her. a combination of both?
i was trying to tell shawn about the dream i had, that she came back one night and even before i could finish my first sentence, i started tearing and sobbing until i couldnt carry on.
it still feels so raw.
the loss and everything else.
my dad said he saw her.
my mum said she hit her pillow twice.
and i only dreamt/saw her coming back to tell us she was okay.
i dont know what i want, or need.
i want to see her, but at the same time, i dont know if my mind is ready for something like that.

i cant tell if the dream/illusion was a God-given dream/illusion or something my mind made up because i was so desperate for a confirmation. i still strongly believe that it was so vivid and it felt so real to me.
they say if you think of someone, they wont want to reveal themselves to you.
as a Christian, am i allowed that line of thought.
the lines are so blurred that i dont know what i should or should not accept.

on another note, i think its time i really spent more time with God. i've seen His mercy and grace throughout this entire month. from the slightest thing to the major decisions. serene prayed for a goodnight's sleep for me on thursday night and i indeed slept so peacefully without waking up in the middle of the night, to hear the howling sounds of a stray dog, which i've done so for the past 2 days. i think her prayer was more effective because she had the dog in mind as well, while i prayed God would shut the dog up. haha! she prayed that both the dog and i would get rest. haha!
(:
thank you serene.

i know, God's trying to hold me as i go through this painful experience. i think somehow, something's holding me back. i dont know what is, but i really, truly believe He's breaking me down so i can lean on Him and let Him carry me. i'm still learning, still trying to let go. i want to be where You are.

its still painful even after nearly a year. just 2 more weeks before her first year anniversary.
almost a year since i found her.
almost a year since i said goodbye.
almost a year since i called her.
its almost a year.

vanessa.c