Saturday, May 15, 2010

the entire day.
i kept recalling what we did just last year.
when the medics came.
when the police came.
when our relatives came and all the crying i hear from my room.
when the undertakers came.
when audrey told my grandaunt that she was going to clean her.
when the undertakers carried her down.
when they were sealing the coffin.
when the older generation were going through her belongings.
when they placed her necessities in front of the alter table.

and this was only the first day.
but it doesnt make it any different.
everything came back.
i havent shed any tears today and i dont know if that's good.
i havent gone to the part where we had to really say our goodbyes.
i havent gone to the part where we all placed our flowers on her coffin as we walked around.
i havent gone to the part where i remember how it was, seeing the coffin go into the wooden doors.
i havent gone to those and i know if i delve in just that little bit deeper, it would nullify my previous statement of not shedding any tears.
i dont know if i'm surpressing my emotions or if i've really gotten through it. i'll never get over it, that i am certain.
it still hurts even after a year.
it doesnt feel that long.
everything still feels so fresh.
i know i have issues i have yet to deal with regarding my grandaunt. issues that i will never be able to resolve in this life on earth. issues that i want to talk to her about.
i want to hear her again. i want to say i'm sorry. i want to buy her lunch, the way i wanted to the sunday before she left.
i have so many regrets that i dont think i'll be able to get through her passing.

my mum asked me once if i actually saw my grandaunt breathe her last.
i wished i had.
i wished i had the burden to carry, to haunt me, to know at least, maybe, i know i was there beside her when she left.

i remember the part where i see her, her eyes open and mouth ajar.
her cold cheeks.
i remember running up to get my phone.
i remember my shaking hands trying to find a number to call.
i remember calling 999 and finding the heart to say my grandaunt is dead.
i remember calling my mum and dad.
i remember waiting.
i remember everything.
and now, my nose hurts, my eyes sting.
just because i can remember.

vanessa.c