Tuesday, July 20, 2010

i remember.
i remember the 15th of may.
the morning, when i touched her cheek.
when i called with my shivering hands.

suddenly everything comes back.
i feel like i'm re-living everything again especially when my paternal grandma has been close to death.
she went into the icu on sunday night when her heart dropped to zero. my aunt told my dad that grandma said to her, "i'm going already, i'm going already."
i see the image in my head, of her saying the exact words with someone looking on and i wish i was there for my grandaunt.
i wish i could have been there as she breathed her last. i'd rather be plagued with nightmares of her and let her go knowing i was beside her when she left.
now, all i want is to dream of her again.
i remember her face, her eyes, the position of her hands and body and everything.

i remember the dream that felt so real, when she came back and she told my mum, to tell shawn and i that she was fine.
the lines between reality and hallucination were so blurred.
i cant remember if i was dreaming or if i really saw her at the door of my room looking on us. how she came so close to my bed.

i remember so many things and i have so many unanswered questions. so many questions that knaw at my conscience, my brain, my everything.'
i miss her.
i still do.
i always will.

vanessa.c