Sunday, September 19, 2010

i was going through my old harddisk just awhile ago and i chanced upon pictures of my late grandaunt.
on my screen, the small picture thumbnails of her made me hesitate in opening them. i looked at them for awhile and then decided to double-click on it.
her smiling face opened up memories all over again.
a wave of sensation ran down my arms and i'm still fighting tears that threaten to come.
15th of may.
i still cant look at the picture i have of her for more than 10seconds without remembering what she'd be doing at this moment during the day or night. she'd be having coffee in the morning at the coffeeshop downstairs then do the same again at 6pm then come back up at 9pm to watch tv. in between, she'd sleep or sit in the balcony and smoke her cigarettes and read her newspapers.

i miss her so badly again and it hurts so bad. i want this to end. i want the pain to stop, the longing to end. i just want her back. i still do.
i look in the darkness at night and hope to see something. a sudden shadow, a white mist. whatever. its not healthy and its not right. i try to stop myself sometimes but that area where she last lay just draws me.

i look at my other grandaunt and i'm afraid of losing her too. she looks so much like my late grandaunt. they're alike in so many ways and they both have nicknames for me. i find myself wanting to take care of her, somewhat trying to make up for the time i didnt share with my late grandaunt. it struck a nerve with me when i look at my 3rd grandaunt in the hospital bed, hooked up with all the tubes after her heart bypass surgery and when she slept, i wanted to cry. images of my late grandaunt just started flashing right in front of my head and i wanted to hold her hand.
as my 3rd grandaunt drifted in and out of sleep, she kept gesturing me to go home and rest.
and thinking back, sitting here in my room, i recall how my late grandaunt told us all the same things. go home and rest, go and eat something, make sure not to be hungry.
everything they do, are so similar and i feel all these guilt and pain.

i wonder constantly, where she is. will i see her when my time is up on this earth. i believe in a loving and merciful God, yet at the same time, i know He abhors sin and is pure.
i'm afraid of eternity.
i'm afraid i wont be able to see the people i love, standing and glorifying God with me.
my God is loving and the things that has happened, make me believe that. i just want that confirmation that she will stand at His feet and join me in eternity, clothed in splendor, praising His name forever.

i miss her and still long for her.
memories of her still live fresh and they still arent ones i can remember and smile to. how long does the grieving process take dear God. how long.

vanessa.c