Tuesday, September 14, 2010

i've been growing spiritually, and opening up to a friend i've come to respect deeply.
to think the pulpit on sunday included something about having a senior lady to take younger ladies under her wings to nurture and help guide them along the godly path.

i've probably only been this consistent in my walk with God during the weeks leading up to my operation.. which is, thinking back, nearly 5 years back.
i've been trying to keep my thoughts and emotionsin check and i realised i've been praying more often and talking to God in between thoughts and free time.
in all honesty, i know this will lead up to something good.

i still struggle everyday, with conflicts within myself, wondering how i should go about communicating with people i dont necessarily want to communicate with because they dont share the same values that i cherish and who just dont practice what they preach. they hurt people with words which they themselves might never say to that person's face and so much other more.
i struggle with loving people who i felt have cut me deep, but i try, i try to forgive as i have been forgiven.
but we shall not dwell on that!

all these chinese festive seasons make me miss my grandaunt so much more than i normally do. i still find it hard to look at a picture of her and not think of the things that she do and say.. oddly, i miss the smell of stale cigarettes around the house. i miss seeing all her things around the house. her lighters that she always keeps on the kitchen wall's ledge. the boxes of medication she leaves on the dining table. suddenly, i just miss her alot all over again.

i've been thinking about something alot.
one day, if my dad leaves us for someone else, will i still be able to bring myself to call him "dad". will i still support him when he grows old and there's no one else there.
then the craziest thing happened.
sunday's pulpit message talked about how as children we should respect our parents and care of them when they grow old.
that, has put my thoughts to rest. at first, i questioned why would God want me to do something like that. then it dawned on me that we are examples of our faith.

things will get harder yet at the same time, i trust and have the faith that i am watched over and i know He would not withhold what's good according to His promises.
and that, i rest in His presence.

vanessa.c