Saturday, October 16, 2010

with a match made in heaven this coming saturday, i paused to think of God's grace and love to His children.
an ex-colleague finally finding his other half after so many years, are getting married in salvation army. both in a band of their own and leading godly lives, join in holy matrimony.

i realised something in common with so many Christian couples; i find them putting God first in their lives, trusting and having that faith that God is good and that He will provide. after that transition, God-providing, they find this person who is their match. i'm not implying that they dont have to iron out their differences when conflict arises. i'm saying that they complement each other and they remember to put God above everything else.

i never really knew why i wanted to settle down with a Christian man until recently when i attended a meeting with a cousin who's getting married.
in summary of the many thoughts i've had, i know and strongly insist that God recognises my union with a man that He approves of and not just because i think i'm in love.

i watch a union of 2 hearts last year and i cannot help but feel drawn to them, to look up to them as a model couple. the husband, a man so gentle and warm, the woman, after God's own heart, growing together and learning to be a better person to each other and to those around them. i watch as she reflects and contemplates on her role as a wife to her husband, to submit, respect and honour him and i find hope in love on earth. its a beautiful thing, when God gives His stamp of approval.
a simple vow of lifelong commitment before Him and that is all that required of us. no need for kids jumping on bed, no need for stepping into the house at an auspicious time. just putting Him above everything else.

i believe i have chosen to honour Him, when i reject nice guys who arent Christian.
i struggled awhile, wondering so hard if i was weak in faith when my decision waivered over someone. i wondered if my thoughts of accepting him made me a weak Christian but a cell leader gave me an insight into God's mind. the fact i had thoughts like that, made me remember that i had a obligation. an obligation to God. i was not weak. i was fighting a temptation to follow my heart. and God made it easier for me to let go when other facts of life occured.

a long chat with a friend over texting also made me realise how much i've changed in my faith.
being an atheist, he kept insisting that we should take control of our lives and (in my case) go for the guy that catches my eye.
the first thing that came to mind was that the guy that i want, is very likely someone not good for me. trust me on this, my experiences speak for themselves (not that i have many to speak of, or practically none. okay, maybe just one). so he went on about how i can pick the guy, then change him.
it still didnt make much sense to me.
the changing thing could happen both ways.
he can change me into something that i dont want to be, or i can change him into something that he doesnt want to be, and where would that lead us. exactly. nowhere.
then i said instead of either of us going the entire way, God will lead us to our meeting point. we'll meet each other halfway.
i dont know how that would work out but i'm sure it will in due course.

in recent weeks, i realised i've mellowed out. a result of God's touch i believe. from learning to pray and finding God in my daily living and even knowing that He really has everything planned out.
i still struggle from time to time with issues in life, relationships and everything else in between. but i guess with the thought that i know what i'm doing wrong, helps me to correct myself.
i just love to remind myself about how much i've changed since my days when i was just a sunday Christian. how i've staved myself off vulgarities although it does slip when i'm not at the best of moods. how i've been trying my best to a better person and if i have nothing nice to say, to keep my mouth shut (i still struggle!). how i've finally been able to pray and call on the Lord as my heavenly Father.

my heart is heavy as i get ready to attend a wedding this weekend. we're no longer as close as we were before, and although we try, it's a little hard to feel the same way we used to. i've tried avoiding as much contact as i can to hold my tongue but the trials keep coming and i'm still praying for patience and forgiveness for even thinking of trying to find words to rebuke and/or bring them down.
as i look through the itinerary and see all the steps needed to take just for the bride to marry into the family, i hope and pray she has not forgotten the first love and hope at the same time, that she has actually found that love that begun even before we were formed. for without God, we will not have known love for He is love.

as always, there are so many thoughts going through my head. i have to force myself to quieten down, place my heart and hands down before God and pray. at the same time, reminding myself that i believe in a God so real that everything is planned to drive me more, to set aside time since He has given me eternity, to love for one such as i.

vanessa.c