Sunday, December 26, 2010

hello carol!
yeah its definitely good indeed! i just need to figure out what i should study now. haha! and we should meet up before shawn leaves! think i shall plan a small get-together!

i recently joined a couple of female friends for a bible study/book club about biblical relationships for women.
i had issues that i couldnt tell and i felt like i couldnt belong because i have these barriers that i wasnt ready to let go and wasnt ready to share. i've built up this mindset where i feel that i cant depend on guys to give me security and i should and can be independant. i dont necessarily need to submit to men unless they have a specific authority over me. if we are on the same level, i dont see a driving force to make me want to an assistant/helper to him.
i realised immediately, that these issues that i am facing, stemmed from the past and present relationships i have with guys/men.
i can honestly tell you now, i havent met a guy who has given a solid sense of security; that i know i can depend on him whatever the circumstances may be.
i know and i believe if given the chance, i am and able to support the guy i really respect. i know i am suspectible of failure but i know i will make the effort.

as i've read and come to realise, women are made to be helpers to men. i accept that fact, when both parties are in a committed (attached/married) relationship. i just cant accept that fact when i am faced with men who have betrayed my trust and still find that love for them to be supportive.

it's really amazing, honestly, since the elder's talk in church today was about forgiveness. i cant say if i have found it in my heart to forgive because i dont know how i should feel when i forgive someone. can i still have that memory? can i feel anger and resentment when that issue comes up? what if that person has not apologised, can i forgive without being asked to? alright, i know i can forgive even if the person does not ask but everyday i am faced with this decision to be a good Christian; to forgive and show the love Christ has bestowed on me. i struggle everytime and on most occasions, i fail. still i try.

just talking about relationships today with a guy, made me affirm my speculations that one of the reasons why i havent been able to settle for any guy is due to my belief that somehow, someway, i will be disappointed.

so until i find someone who is able to give me that real sense of security, i think i'll just be hanging around God. haha!

vanessa.c