vanessa.c

2012-01-30T00:41:00.002+08:00

it has been crazy in my life with regards to relationships... not going into much detail for now as its nearing 1am..

i just wonder at how my life has been and i ask the same question over and over again;

when is it my turn God? when is it my turn to fall in love with someone who would feel the same for me? am i that undeserving? is this love that i am yearning for, that elusive to me? will i ever get the chance to experience that love.. will i ever get the chance to be taken care of by the guy whom i have feelings for (and him, me). is it possible that i may never the chance, a shot, the experience of such a beautiful thing in life?

i've been through so much crap with only a few guys and i still dont deserve a proper man to love and cherish me? i must be doing something so wrong to merit such things..

its depressing each time and it gets worse.. i wonder how much more crap can take from guys before i drive myself mad wondering if that guy for me is out there or if he will ever turn up.. or maybe im just that undeserving and just too damaged to ever fall in love..

vanessa.c

2012-01-02T22:38:00.002+08:00

it doesnt feel like there's a difference. the new year is just another day. like as if someone had forgotten to send me the party invite. or maybe i had forgotten about the party.

2011 has been fine, nothing much to brag about, nothing much to complain about. my feelings have always been in the in-between.

its like what i have told someone before in the context of relationships.

"always someone, never the one"

so until i become significantly important to a particular guy to whom is significantly important to me, i guess its going to be my motto in relationships. i think it serves me well.

towards the end of the year, i thought i was going to step into an open relationship, but as usual, although my guard has always been up, he just made me realise how true my convictions were when it comes to relationships; for me at least. always that close. just that little more, but never going past that line. my guards have served me well and my heart is still in its place, the same few scars, nothing new, and i am thankful for that.

i've been bitter towards Christmas, wondering why i never manage to find someone who feels for me, the same way i would for him and girls who i find odd and peculiar are the ones getting attached and hitched. i am still a tad bit bitter, questioning when my turn is going arrive or if it is ever going to arrive at my doorstep. i question my character, my capability, my ability, my looks, my attitude, my dressing, my everything. i must be doing something wrong to attract all the wrong guys and pushing all the right/nice ones away. or am i just never going to be attached, destined for singlehood for the rest of my life (it better be short if so).

as much as i want to find love and be attached, i look at examples and i wonder if guys can even be trusted. how conflicting. yes it sucks.

as i enter the 2012, i came up with a few resolutions!

i cant remember my 2011 but will get down to digging them up sometime soon to see what has been achieved. haha!!!

1. go clubbing for the first time

2. make a dress for myself by myself

3. take up ballroom dancing

4. find a boyfriend

5. finally read the bible religiously

(pun not intended)

just these 4 simple ones.

but maybe point 4 will be a tad difficult since i just cut my hair really short. haha!!! i figured since i'm not attracting anyone, might as well do something i want and go short. we'll one day see if its true that guys like their girls to have long hair. haha!!

anyways! here's to another year (whether you were invited to the party or not), may it bring you more joy and may your resolutions be fulfilled.

vanessa.c

2011-12-11T01:07:00.002+08:00

i havent felt so depressed and sad over an exam paper in such a long time.

my first paper was on friday afternoon and i went in thinking i was fully prepared for the questions. i remember the official steps taken and logic behind stuff. but oh no... they choose to come up with all these funny scenarios and have so many similar answers that i couldnt really tell the difference!!! there were quite a number of questions that had me stuck for a long time. i used up every single minute of the whole 2 hours doing all 50 questions. that, isnt good.. right?

i felt so demoralised and depressed that even the prospect of eating my marutama eggs werent that enticing.. but it did help lift the mood a tad bit.

i went to bed on saturday morning at 12.30am, thinking that i should set my alarm for 7am to start studying for my 2nd paper. i took 2 hours to fall asleep and when i did, the next thing i knew, i woke up! like i never really did sleep! i woke up at nearly 6am! the sky was dark, the weird bird was making its annoying sounds and i was wide awake! 1.5 hours BEFORE my scheduled time!

i just needed to get it off my chest and i posted on facebook. haha! thank goodness i have my bbff to comfort me and yuanzhi for making me feel less depressed about being the only one i know awake at such a ungodly hour..

i havent taken an exam since i left poly. which makes it... nearly 4 years? or is it 3? whichever it is...

anyways! i spent the entire saturday mopping around the house, walking in and out of the kitchen eating chocolates and seaweed.. haha! not something i should be proud of since i SHOULD be studying.. went for a facial thing with mum, aunt and cousin, after which, decided to go to my cousin's new condo!!!

definitely didnt regret the decision to make the trip down. saw the really beautiful house with all the bay windows (a selling point in my opinion), with the balcony facing the pool and the fountain at the entrance.. dont even get me started on the pool!!! wait. no. poolS!!! HAHA!!! water aerobics and water pressure massages, steam bath, oh-so classy bbq pits.. ohman! and the doors of the apartments look like they belong to hotels!!!

someone marry me and get me a unit there please!!! HAHA!!!

we went to another apartment facing the bedok reservoir and both of us were standing there admiring the view then i just had to add something funny/disturbing. haha!! think all the news in recent months about bedok reservoir and you'll probably be right. haha!!! either way, the view was super pretty and i think they will probably never need to install air conditioning in their apartment. it was so cooling!!!

we walked around the compound, sat by(at) the poolside and talked about stuff and then headed for drinks at tampines.

chatted even more about family and the related.. i honestly love cousin-talk.. we need more of such things..

decided to plan a Christmas dinner for the family too! super exciting!!! and my december is now practically full. haha!!!

wed - paper & dinner with shuwei

saturday - teppanyaki dinner with shuwei & mike & mum & shawn

OHMYGOODNESS!!! YES MY BROTHER IS BACK!!! (:

i have gatherings to plan and my Christmas day is packed too!

lunch with paternal cousins

dinner with maternal cousins and families

i probably have other appointments that i have yet to fix like...

elizabeth

yuanzhi

ting

hmm.. i cant remember who else at the moment but boy am i going to be busy busy busy!!!

anyways! i think i should go to bed already! need the sleep. all the pimples and dark rings are forming.. so ugly.. haha!

i'll blog more when my papers end! maybe even with pictures! (:

much love!

vanessa.c

2011-11-21T02:09:00.003+08:00

at 2am i am awake... not something new in recent days but for different reasons these couple of days.

relationships scare me, so i've come to realise. i thought of marriage and this guy's face that i would have to wake to everyday of my life and my heart just started thumping away.. for all the wrong reasons actually! of course i want to get attached, settle down maybe have a kid or two, but just the thought of facing that single face everyday before i slumber and when i wake just makes me so afraid.. afraid that the choice i made in marrying that poor guy might be a wrong choice that i would have to live with until death do us part. dont that scare people?!

i've also cone to realise how in all my past relationship (or the lackthereof) with guys in my life, i've always been someone to them, but never the one.. if you ask me, of course i'd feel sad and useless considering how romantic relationship never work out for me..

yet i was reminded in church how much i mean to God and i felt an instant joy..

anyways, more next time when my eyes arent closibg on me.,

vanessa.c

2011-11-05T16:51:00.003+08:00

its been so long as always...

i havent been up to much in recent months, just meeting people and all.

i've been touched by my dear cousin who somehow managed to realise i was feeling a little down in the dumps earlier this week. i dont know what came over me but i just felt so low and i didnt want to tell anyone about anything because i didnt know what was wrong.

so through the few sms-es conversations we had, she just told me that she felt my aura was grey.. haha! i thought it concealed it well enough, so imagine my shock when she asked.. it was a pleasant surprise though! (:

i've been feeling much better in recent days with all the chatter from my dear bbff and qiqi's constant nudges on whatsapp along with yuanzhi's narcissistic jokes. haha!

did i also mention that i now have an iphone?! haha!!! i finally have jumped onto the bandwagon! i still miss my nokia though.. ): i still love how i get to press keypad buttons.. haha!!!

anyways, got to run! updates when my exams are over! mid dec mid dec! haha!

vanessa.c

2011-07-23T11:39:00.003+08:00

attending my paternal grandma's funeral reminds me of my late grandaunt.
its weird how i was thinking of my grandaunt then my grandma loses her battle with life and passes on.

i was reminded just how fragile life is when one moment she was struggling and the next, she's gone.
you just lose the ability to think properly and its hard to stay still. but unlike movies, i remember everything. i remember every single detail.

although i'm not close to my late grandma, i still do have an attachment to her. just that simple adoration that one has when you respect an elder. i remember as we walked around the casket to say our last goodbyes, how everyone was crying at grandaunt's side.

a dear friend reminded me how death teaches us a lesson; to cherish the ones we love while they're still with us on earth. i replied her, saying how painful this lesson is.

sad things aside, i've never realised how grand my family was until the funeral. the adults were saying how when my great-grandmother passed on, my grandfather's business associates and friends and family all came down and the procession was so large they had to hire mobile traffic police. it has got to be true when all the adults, (9 siblings concur) say the same thing.
i've never seen so many people at a funeral at a sitting and realised how a big shot my grandfather was when he was around.
there were so many people who came and the adults were showing them whose child each one of us belonged to. so many of the adults were going on about how they saw us when we were small tots and how much we've grown since. it was quite awkward since we kids didnt know who all these people were. haha.
it was really a sight. a whole lot of drama entails as well, with all the money involved for the stupidest reasons.
anyways, i got to go. get ready for the day ahead.
i dread when we get to the crematorium tomorrow. all the memories.

vanessa.c

2011-07-13T21:51:00.003+08:00

it's been sometime hasnt it.

not much has changed but here are some news to keep this blog a little alive.

i've started my lessons, taking acca up as a part-time studies. i'm already into my 3rd set of classes this coming friday. (:
my brain hasnt felt this fried in such a long time and its both exasperating and exhilarating at the same time. i've never thought myself as someone who would be learning accounting ever, and look at where i am. haha! though it definitely remains to be seen, if i would even pass my papers. haha!!! hopefully i'll be able to get at least a degree from this!
oh! i have my best friend ting taking the classes with me so that's a really great help! she HAS to motivate me to pass my papers. haha!!! at least she helps keep me awake when it gets a little tough. plus she's very good with her maths. haha!!! (:

i got my mum an iphone awhile back and i've been addicted to it. haha!!! i want one! but i shall be patient and wait for the new one!

i've also been really busy at work, with new staff coming in and so many interns milling around. that's beside the point really. haha! my colleagues have been really nice to be working around with actually! so that makes working less dreary, and that is really something noteworth isnt it! (:

i remembered last night, my late grandaunt.
i wish i dreamed of her.
she's starting to feel like a distant memory and i dont want that to happen. i dont want to turn into those ocd people who starts keeping everything that means something which then turns into hoarding, but i see some of it happening.
i still have a wad of cloth that she used to make her shirts sitting in my cupboard. i didnt want
to see it burn.
i have her set of keys that are no longer usable with the new locks at home.
there's a bar of soap that she bought, sitting in the toilet drawer. no one uses or will ever use, but i dont want to throw it.
i miss seeing her ashtray around, the horrid black plastic-tyre ash tray with all the burn marks. sometimes, i thought i'd see her transparent lighters on the kitchen window ledge.
i still miss her.
all the small things that used to irritate the crap out of me, are the things i miss, now that she's gone.
i wish i could hear her loud stomping on the staircase when she comes down. all her wet footprints around the house and when she steps out of the house to go down to the coffeeshop for her cup of coffee and daily gossip.
i've hardly been down to the coffeeshop and shopnsave since she's gone... i find it so hard to look at the tables and know i wont be able to see her there.
i still want to tell her i'm sorry. i always do.

vanessa.c

2011-05-16T23:08:00.002+08:00

so much has changed since i posted in march.
my personality has changed and i know i'm not the same person.
i'm quick to anger and i've been more vocal about expressing my distaste.
i think i'm becoming more guy-ish in that sense.

i think i know the cause to all these mad behaviour. i think its my defense mechanism. whether that is true, remains unknown to me. i just need to tone it down a little.

i know how important is it for a family to have a strong male figure to lead. without a prominent male in my house, i find that i have to step up to the plate.

how is it that i dont have the good fortune of meeting decent guys and letting them change my view of men.

or maybe i just attract the scums. which, makes me one as well?
damaged goods will always be damaged goods.
no amount of scotch-tape, super adhesive glue, or whatever else will make it work. i'm probably going to be too practical to ever get attached.

and i hate it when i get this low.

vanessa.c

2011-05-15T23:04:00.002+08:00

15th may 2011

you have been on mind since the start of the day at the strike of 12.
its been a quick 3 years since you left.
i still imagine you around the house, looking at us when we pass the living room, when we open the fridge door.
i sometimes hope to see you at the seat at the balcony, smoking away at night. i still walk quietly towards the kitchen in the night when there's no one around, hoping you'd be there if i dont scare you away.
i imagine seeing your silhouette in the living room too you know?

i still miss you deeply and i'm not ready to talk about you without tearing up my soul. i have so much regrets that i cant forgive myself for. i cant let go until i hear you tell me you've forgiven me.

all the talk about death and life makes today even more dreary... i still wait for the Lord's answer, to the questions i have.

missing you hasnt been any easier. when does it get better?

vanessa.c

2011-03-13T00:13:00.002+08:00

i havent felt this stressed in such awhile.
with so many changes happening at one go, i just couldnt take it.
i like things to be systematic and i take time to create a flow to the things i do. i dont like the disruptions to the flows i create.
i dont want to be this way, but i find safety and comfort in routine.
i dont mean to be anal but that's just a madness i have that i cant rid myself of.
but they dont understand. they think i'm being selfish and i have no patience at all.
and as it turns out, friends are the ones with the listening ears. what a crazy fact isnt it.

i dont deal with changes very well but they dont know and they dont want to ask. so the whole world's going to know that i'm this anal person who only thinks for herself. yay that.

vanessa.c

2011-02-01T22:13:00.002+08:00

i miss shawn and mummy so bad.
):
i called them just now and found out the guitar that was bought using the money left to shawn when my late grandaunt passed on, had broken. even with the hardcase, the handlers made the guitar neck crack. honestly how difficult is it to handle such fragile things with care?
when i heard him talk about it, i could feel the pain in his voice and it just made me cry. it didnt help also when mummy talked to me and she was saying how she misses me and how she's going to miss shawn when she leaves.
i just want them both back here. i really do.
):
why dont they have a good vet course here.

i get so upset when i see the sms mummy and shawn sent just before they left singapore and i just cry.
i dont know what else to say! i want these few years to pass really quickly. ):

vanessa.c

2011-01-31T00:19:00.001+08:00

i dont want him to go.
)':

vanessa.c

2011-01-25T21:51:00.002+08:00

its really nice, to see my close friend get attached with a guy who's so caring. i've been talking to her about that guy for a long time and once i spotted some spark flying, i got into the action and a little talking, they are finally together! (:
it just warms my heart to see her attached to someone like him and seeing how he's always so careful around her, taking care of her and making sure she's okay. (:
like i've said before, i chop my stamp of approval!

also, thank you for seeing and understanding me when no one did! you know how much i really appreciate your love my dearest vit a.! (:
i send my love to you too! (:

onto another topic that has been on my mind for quite some time but finally someone came to talk to me about it.
i was told recently that most people my age are saving money for holidays and most of their time is spent finding themselves. in a way, being slightly selfish perhaps? or just enjoying themselves before they start working and doing all the supposedly 'adult' things.
i came home after that talk and for a few days, i thought about it.
i thought about why i am doing the things i do for my brother and my mum. i thought about my future, about who i was.
then i realised, there is no need for me to find myself. i am who i am and i've agreed to take on the burden of saving my money for my brother's future, helping my mum with the expenses and at the same time, saving for my future, whatever it beholds; holidays to neighbouring countries, further education etc.
i dont know if the bible says anything about it but as an older sister to shawn and the eldest daughter to my mum, i feel obliged to do so and i do so willingly, not because i was told to.

i guess in a way, i have found myself. here is my placing in life and it might change one day, it might not.
i am who i am because i am shaped by my past, but continually moulded by God to who i will be in the future. i dont think i have to do this or that to find what is beneath this skin although a nice break every once in awhile would definitely be good.

out of the talk, she casually/jokingly mentioned that i needed therapy. haha! now that, i dont think i would disagree. not that i REALLY need therapy, but i guess an outlet wouldnt be that would it?

sometimes i feel i'm too young to be shouldering all these. then, there are times when i feel i am old enough to handle bigger things in life.

when is it time, for someone to take care of me, to tell me i've done good. but of course, i dont think i can trust guys to handle my heart much anymore. i've been burnt one too many times and its honestly tiring to keep hoping that one day, some men will make good themselves so i can have faith in them again.

i am after all, damaged goods and no one wants something damaged do they?

vanessa.c

2011-01-06T00:06:00.002+08:00

i just have to write this down before i sleep!
on the train, heading home from dinner with shuwei, qiqi & michael, i stood at the connecting section of the cabins and then at the somerset stop, this guy came in, standing slightly below my height. i looked at this shoes, tried to peek at his belt and then looked at his bag. not bad, not bad. within the same colour range. then i noticed that he was carrying an umbrella.
not just any umbrella mind you! the kind i really REALLY like! the transparent with the white lining at the edges! then i saw his shirt. quite unique, i for one, have not seen a shirt cloth like his. then i looked up and saw his face! woots!
(:
not a bad way to start the journey home eh?
then there were these 2 guys whom i cant tell where they're from but definitely not locals. everytime the train's air conditioning blasted at my face, their cologne smell would just snake its way into my nose. my goodness was it nice. its not those predictable hunky cologne smell. in fact, it smelt like an expensive baby lotion! so that was good!

i notice too, that the nice shirt guy was glancing my way everytime we started to move from the previous train station. haha!! in my brain, i was smiling away like an idiot. haha!!
then when i got to toa payoh, i turned slightly towards the door and the 2 nice smelling guys looked at me and smiled, gesturing to see if i was going to alight. i smiled back and nodded and they immediately smiled back and moved so i could find my way out of the not-so-crowded train.
then the nice shirt guy looked at me and when i was about to pass him, he looked at me and i immediately smiled back as he moved to give me space.
(:

i was telling shuwei how i would have given him my number if he had just asked for it! haha!! he's not too short actually. i could marry him in white flats! HAHA!!!
okay. a little bad. but it was nice to be treated with such, hmm.. class? HAHA!

oh wells!
got to run to bed for now. i'll be back after my bangkok trip!
lots of love

vanessa.c

2010-12-26T16:10:00.002+08:00

hello carol!
yeah its definitely good indeed! i just need to figure out what i should study now. haha! and we should meet up before shawn leaves! think i shall plan a small get-together!

i recently joined a couple of female friends for a bible study/book club about biblical relationships for women.
i had issues that i couldnt tell and i felt like i couldnt belong because i have these barriers that i wasnt ready to let go and wasnt ready to share. i've built up this mindset where i feel that i cant depend on guys to give me security and i should and can be independant. i dont necessarily need to submit to men unless they have a specific authority over me. if we are on the same level, i dont see a driving force to make me want to an assistant/helper to him.
i realised immediately, that these issues that i am facing, stemmed from the past and present relationships i have with guys/men.
i can honestly tell you now, i havent met a guy who has given a solid sense of security; that i know i can depend on him whatever the circumstances may be.
i know and i believe if given the chance, i am and able to support the guy i really respect. i know i am suspectible of failure but i know i will make the effort.

as i've read and come to realise, women are made to be helpers to men. i accept that fact, when both parties are in a committed (attached/married) relationship. i just cant accept that fact when i am faced with men who have betrayed my trust and still find that love for them to be supportive.

it's really amazing, honestly, since the elder's talk in church today was about forgiveness. i cant say if i have found it in my heart to forgive because i dont know how i should feel when i forgive someone. can i still have that memory? can i feel anger and resentment when that issue comes up? what if that person has not apologised, can i forgive without being asked to? alright, i know i can forgive even if the person does not ask but everyday i am faced with this decision to be a good Christian; to forgive and show the love Christ has bestowed on me. i struggle everytime and on most occasions, i fail. still i try.

just talking about relationships today with a guy, made me affirm my speculations that one of the reasons why i havent been able to settle for any guy is due to my belief that somehow, someway, i will be disappointed.

so until i find someone who is able to give me that real sense of security, i think i'll just be hanging around God. haha!

vanessa.c

2010-12-22T23:10:00.002+08:00

to a certain extent, i think the idea of shawn going overseas hasnt really sunk in to it's full capacity. haha!!!
it just crossed my mind the other day when we had a gathering of 4 families from my dad's side over games at mind cafe and dinner, when jonathan asked me how it would be when shawn leaves for such a long period of time. then i realised, you know, its really going to make the house so much bigger, emptier and quieter. the idea of sending him off at the airport is going be crazy! i cant imagine him gone for nearly a year! i better start saving like mad so he can come back whenever he has breaks. haha!

Christmas is just 2 days away!
planned a gift-exchange for work and a "wish-exchange" to place on the baubles and hang on the Christmas tree at the reception desk! i'm even trying to get everyone to dress in the festive colours! hopefully it doesnt fall flat in my face!
i wish i had more fun with the planning with fun people.
a Christmas party next year anyone?!
i'm actually even thinking of asking the bosses to let us wear chinese new year clothes for the coming festivity. haha!!! and i will turn up in my big big baggy oriental top! haha! well, that's some time away.

anyways, a short post before i dive into a busy half week ahead. haha!!! i'll try and see if i can get pictures on after this weekend! (:

lots of love!
vanessa.c

2010-12-15T22:51:00.002+08:00

i am compelled to give thanks this week, for the things going well in my life.
and yuanzhi, i'm not always emo okay! haha! i just happen to ramble on about my darker/sadder emotions online as compared to making my friends miserable!

i was given the assurance this week during a chat with my boss, that they are willing to sponsor my part-time studies should i choose to pick one up.
i am amazed at how the simple work i do everyday, do not go unnoticed by the superiors at work and they appreciate the things i do.
sometimes, when i feel so bummed about going to work, i remember that i'm working to help keep God's world in order in my own little way and that drives me to stand on the squeezy train every morning with all these random people who are working in the same world.

i've told a number of people about the kindness of my bosses and they admit that they have never heard/seldom heard of administrative personnel, getting such recognition and allowances., to the point of trying to make me stay.
obviously it works both ways where they do not need to train someone else to take my place from scratch. then again, they might have been able to hire someone for a lesser pay.
so i am grateful and i am reminded to give thanks when a good friend told me how he felt God's favour has really been on me.
(:

vanessa.c

2010-12-06T22:54:00.002+08:00

she knows she's not a genius.
she knows with every single cell in her body, that she's not one to get a masters or even a degree for that matter.
she probably wont be any one big in society, not going to make much difference to people's lives, not going to make an impact anywhere.
never earn the big bucks to buy expensive goods.
never look as good as most people.
not as nice and good natured as she'd want to be.
she'll never be a role model or perfect for anyone.
she's just never good enough.

and she doesnt need reminders.
she doesnt need to be reminded that she's stupid
she doesnt need to be told she's lousy
she doesnt need to be hinted that she's not going to make it anywhere.

she knows.
and it hurts when the people she loves, makes all these passing remarks so casually because, she's just not that strong enough.

she knows.
i know.

vanessa.c

2010-12-05T22:31:00.002+08:00

its 13months since i started working! i'm still amazed at how quick time flies.
well, cliches are cliches for a reason right? haha!!!

i've really got so much in my mind that i really dont know what i should talk about.
i was reminded by a dear friend, that how keeping a blog helps us to jot down the things that happens, allowing us to one day "dig up" our interesting pasts when we're old and wrinkly. haha!!! it definitely makes sense to me, since i've changed so many blogs since i first started. i think i started with a lord of the rings themed layout with my oh-so ravishing elf legolas. haha!!! then i cant remember what it was but i remember one with a ballet shoe! i havent touched my layouts in a really long time since i've left my IT poly days. haha!!! i think i might be a little afraid of looking at all the html codes! i shall aspire to look into it one day in the coming year! haha!

i've been enjoying work, nearly all of my colleagues are really a joy to work with and my bosses have taken a liking to me for being hardworking and doing my job well. i actually really have to thank God really, for giving me such good bosses, making my character and habits this way for me to excel in my work and for placing me in this job. i definitely believe it isnt just pure coincidence that practically all of my working experiences has been quite great actually! so i have to give thanks for that.
(:

i feel so cluttered.. i REALLY need to set aside time on weekends to throw things away!!! or just rearrange things in my room!
oh, which reminds me of something i can blog about!
my brother, shawn, has been accepted in an australian university, to study a course he has always wanted to since he was a kid. like, kid KID. like, primary school kid, kid. haha!
it's a whopping 6-year course in perth and we're excited that he's been accepted for a direct entry into veterinary studies!
the only thing that is stopping him now, is financial problems. at AUD45k/year, for 5 years, it's definitely something that would stop most middle-class families in singapore isnt it?
my mum has been able to find enough to help finance shawn's first 3 years and we're now hoping to find enough guarantors for the 4th and 5th year study loan from a bank. for the last year, we're probably going to try hard to save up and i've already committed nearly half of his one year's fees based on my current salary's saving over the next 5 years to him.
i think and believe i'm ready to commit my next couple of years to work really hard, in whatever way i can to help ease my mum's burden and let him study. i'm not trying to say how good i am as a sister because i believe most siblings would do the same if they have the love for their family the way i do for mine.

which then leads me to my next topic!
my aunt was telling me how, if possible, to get shawn to settle for the course the local universities have offered to him, to ease both my mum's and my burden. she explained that i would have to think for myself, when i get married and all.
i was taken aback when she mentioned marriage, because i dont think i have that in mind although i know i want to one day.
i thought about it and realised, i'd rather see my brother do something he really has the passion for, then decide selfishly, to make him settle for something less that doesnt give him the drive to work just so i can satisfy myself. it also made me realise, if i commit my next years to working and saving for him, i'll be 28 when he returns back and probably not married. maybe even single. now who would want a single 28-year-old woman who doesnt have much to her name. even in this society, i dont think there's a man out there who would fork out money to pay for marriage and to support his wife fully in a financially cash-strapped world. i dont even think i have the money to get married! HAHA!!! maybe just one wedding dress to last the whole wedding day and that's the limit.

i am putting my faith in God, believing that He will help me work things out with the best in mind. presenting my requests to be attached one day, to get married, to provide for shawn and my mum, to still be able to serve Him and remember His goodness.

so here's to a new week!

vanessa.c

2010-11-29T23:23:00.002+08:00

i feel like i've aged a lot.
i feel like as if in my short span of 22 years, i've been through 40.
it's thrilling, knowing i've so much life experience (and more to come), and at the same time, i feel quite sorry. haha!!! its not a bad thing really. more wisdom to handle things perhaps? or maybe i'm just an old soul (slightly younger than old, old). haha!!!

there are times when i feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, there are times when i feel like i can just lie and watch the world go by without a care in the world.
i still have troubles sometimes, placing my trust and having that faith that God will bring me through whatever troubles i have.

we always bring that mentality, that we need to do some thing pleasing to get approval and love from someone else. when we go through something bad, we're quick to assume that it's karma; that we deserve this bad thing that we are going through because of something bad we've done before.
i've learnt, that from my standpoint as a Christian, that suffering isnt because God works like karma; that bites you in the ass when you're not looking.
instead, suffering/hardship is a form of discipline, a sign of love.
it doesnt make much sense at the moment, but if we take into account that our parents scold and beat us, moulding us into the good people we are today, that is disciplining us and one way of showing love. if they do not love us, why would they bother teaching us right from wrong.
so i've come to the realisation that for each trial i go through, i know He's watching over me, refining me, for i am His child and He is the lover of my soul.

vanessa.c

2010-11-27T23:21:00.002+08:00

aww thanks yuanzhi & minn!
(:

i didnt realise my venting would generate responds!! positive responds at that! i feel the love..
(:
i guess it feels like everyone's getting attached and hitched and i'm here wondering what's wrong with me. haha!!!
but i'm getting over it i think..

i've been feeling better these couple of days with work and other things to distract me and stuff. did i also mention that my bosses are going overseas for about a week?! i dont see myself being very free or anything, but just the notion of having "no-government" is super exciting. haha!! i think i'm under the influence of television drama shows. haha!!! its not like its any different from other work days!

i honestly want to get rid of a lot of things in my room!!!
garh.
i just need to find more reasons to throw them rather than keep them.
i have some special items in a red box i keep in my closet and it is taking up more space than i think it should.
when do we decide that it's time to let things go?
when we decide to throw the things that anchor the memories or when we decide to throw away the memories then realise there's no use for the things and thus resulting in them being thrown away?
well, it definitely could work both ways aye?
i think, as for now, i'd keep the silly red box. one day, when its time, i'll know..

i want more dresses with pretty flower prints! and sexy skirts and that special zara pants to make me feel like i'm on the top of the world.. haha!! until then, i shall work to keep my closet and room very neat and free from crazy clothes.. haha!!! i have such a bad tendancy to buy things especially if they're on sale! yuck yuck! bad habit to have.. although, i do believe i'm getting better at that. haha!!! i shall strive harder to achieve a better wardrobe! haha!

anyways, i think i should get going for now.. i have so many things i want to write here but i just cant find the words to pen everything down somehow. so frustrating really.

vanessa.c

2010-11-21T22:40:00.002+08:00

i was asked a question today. something not out of the ordinary though. with everything going around, i guess it was normal to be asked.
"are you dating?"
obviously the answer was a straight no. haha!!
then the next was
"ever attached?"
again, no.

then we got into a short one-way talk about how people should start dating young otherwise we'd end up getting married very much later in life.
there has been much talk about getting attached, finding the right one, characteristics and how to get there.
i dont know about you guys but people always assume i'm being picky and they tell me meaingless stories about some walk in the park and picking flowers, always hoping that the next one will be better.
yet somehow, they dont seem to get the fact that getting attached is not just "a walk in the park". guys are not like flowers because they can choose too. its not like i can go around and pick a guy and say "hmm, you look nice. lets go out of this garden and live happily ever after."
it doesnt work that way right?
i can like a person, but that guy might not like me the way i do.
on the other hand, a guy might like me, but i might not like him the way he wants me to.
we're talking about humans here! not unresponsive flowers that cater to your deep flower-longing whims! that's just a bad story to tell.
also! it's not like guys are throwing themselves at me, waiting for me to choose them! how does that make sense when i dont have guys to choose from, whom i feel a physical attraction to?
i cant also, just go out with any guy who asks me out and then "see how". i have in mind what sort of person i want to be with and those are the prerequisites. i'm not going to reject a guy just because he doesnt have nicely shaped eyebrows or something as silly as that. obviously, very obviously, i need to feel a certain attraction to someone first before agreeing to go out with him right?

you know, i've given all these much thought. and i realised, i think, i might never get attached. i'm ocd, weird, odd, quite crazy, not very girly and the list goes on.
i dont think there's someone out there for me, that would be able to help/support me in my life when i'm this messed up. not someone in this singaporean society i think. i dont know what the future holds, but if i have to be single for the rest of my life, i think i just might shoot myself although i'm somewhat prepared for that.

blah!!! i think i'm just in need of sleep at this moment. how dreary sunday nights make me.. boo!

vanessa.c

2010-11-20T21:22:00.002+08:00

i havent been here for the longest time!!!
i have so many things going on at the moment that i'm just so tired to do anything when i get back from work everyday. i dont even want to go out on weekends if i had a choice.. with the exception of church that is.. didnt help that i had the longest migraines in my entire 22 years! every day for 2 weeks, i just wanted to go home and it sort of made me dread going to work.

life hasnt changed much from my point of view.
more things spinning around in my brain and all.
oh! new music has definitely been making it's rounds!!!
the latest earworm is by katharine mcphee & zachary levi.. the song's called terrified and it's a terribly good song!!! it has been on replay on my ipod and on my itunes! i never knew zachary levi sang! his voice sounds so soothing and deeply manly. haha!!! deeply manly. the song does feature katharine's voice much more though, which is good, but i wish they featured him more!!!

i've actually been sleeping a lot recently! not good i'd say but what the heck. haha!!!

ahh! i still need to clear my room!!! i still need to find things to get rid off!!! cleanse the junk!!
i have so much going in my head!!! crap crap crap!!!

i was telling bird recently, how i thought that i would never get attached. its such a dreadful feeling to have!
):
everyone seems to be getting attached and it sort of makes me wonder what's wrong with me.
small boobs?
small eyes?
flabby stomach?
so in general, not pretty enough.
not pretty enough for the kind of guys i like.
blah!!!

drop dead!!!

vanessa.c

2010-10-23T23:51:00.002+08:00

and jason remembers me with the "rocks"! haha! inside joke, i'm sorry! (:
still looking like the same guy with crazier hair, except this time, he's in a suit and all glam-up for his wedding.
a couple of sudden unplanned moments that totally made the congregation laugh, like making jason sing "the moon represents my heart" (chinese song), asking him about his feelings just before the bride was about to walk out.
it was really cool seeing him finally getting married, after wandering around since i last saw him. i realised too, with Christian couples, that when they get together, it doesnt take them long to get married. its like, they know its meant to be and with every step they take, they'll have God as their shepherd, guiding them.

sometimes when we talk about getting married and living together, forever, till death do us part, we tend to forget that we still have to live. we live in a little bubble that tricks us into thinking that marriages will work out on their own. i've learnt, to make marriages work, ironing out all these problems are so vital. understanding each other and respecting. i could go on and on about such things but i shall save it for another time!

i think, i really like you.
for a long time, i've taken a liking to you.

anyways! got to run, church in a couple of hours! (:

vanessa.c

2010-10-22T23:15:00.002+08:00

to cut or not to cut?
the haze is making me feel so sickly!

anyways! one less single cousin since last sunday! now she's mrs tong.
i liked when she mentioned God in her thank-you "speech", that she remembers her first love and the One will always be there for her no matter what comes her way. doesnt hurt with the Christian solemnizer too, taking verses out of the Bible and reminding us that it was sunday as well.
next stop, danny in church! haha!!!
hey, prayers do work! (:

the other thing that remains in my memory, is the picture of carol and my late grandaunt together. i wanted to thank carol for remembering our grandaunt on her big day, but i realised i never could find strength to thank her.. i watched as the picture slipped in from a corner and my entire table was hushed for that period.. i guess we all remember how much she was in our lives and a picture of her was enough to make the memories of her felt.. so in case carol ever reads this, thank you for remembering Gupo.

i have been a lot more reflective since i started the prayer study with serene.
i've been thinking about so many things that even when i have nothing to do physically, i feel so tired. even as i try to pray, i find my mind drifting.. as with everything else, i've been trying to work on it.

another wedding tomorrow!
feeling slightly sleepy, very tired and actually, make that quite sleepy. haha!

a friend asked me once, how much has changed since last year, and i thought of it for awhile and i realised, many things have changed. for the good, for the bad, many things changed.
i'm definitely wiser, growing in God and obviously some more things.
with age, i realised too, i've been burdened with more thoughts, more eventful events in my life.
i know i told many people, when they asked, what has changed, i'd say nothing much.
but in a way too, nothing much has changed.
every year, we are that much wiser, that much more burdensome with worldly issues.
so in that way, nothing has changed because that change is a constant. (cliched i know). haha!

i think i need my rest soon. or maybe its just the haze that it making my thoughts so boring.. i should try being a little less reflective for awhile now. haha!

on an ending note, Glee is just too good.. too good.
(:

vanessa.c

2010-10-16T01:59:00.004+08:00

with a match made in heaven this coming saturday, i paused to think of God's grace and love to His children.
an ex-colleague finally finding his other half after so many years, are getting married in salvation army. both in a band of their own and leading godly lives, join in holy matrimony.

i realised something in common with so many Christian couples; i find them putting God first in their lives, trusting and having that faith that God is good and that He will provide. after that transition, God-providing, they find this person who is their match. i'm not implying that they dont have to iron out their differences when conflict arises. i'm saying that they complement each other and they remember to put God above everything else.

i never really knew why i wanted to settle down with a Christian man until recently when i attended a meeting with a cousin who's getting married.
in summary of the many thoughts i've had, i know and strongly insist that God recognises my union with a man that He approves of and not just because i think i'm in love.

i watch a union of 2 hearts last year and i cannot help but feel drawn to them, to look up to them as a model couple. the husband, a man so gentle and warm, the woman, after God's own heart, growing together and learning to be a better person to each other and to those around them. i watch as she reflects and contemplates on her role as a wife to her husband, to submit, respect and honour him and i find hope in love on earth. its a beautiful thing, when God gives His stamp of approval.
a simple vow of lifelong commitment before Him and that is all that required of us. no need for kids jumping on bed, no need for stepping into the house at an auspicious time. just putting Him above everything else.

i believe i have chosen to honour Him, when i reject nice guys who arent Christian.
i struggled awhile, wondering so hard if i was weak in faith when my decision waivered over someone. i wondered if my thoughts of accepting him made me a weak Christian but a cell leader gave me an insight into God's mind. the fact i had thoughts like that, made me remember that i had a obligation. an obligation to God. i was not weak. i was fighting a temptation to follow my heart. and God made it easier for me to let go when other facts of life occured.

a long chat with a friend over texting also made me realise how much i've changed in my faith.
being an atheist, he kept insisting that we should take control of our lives and (in my case) go for the guy that catches my eye.
the first thing that came to mind was that the guy that i want, is very likely someone not good for me. trust me on this, my experiences speak for themselves (not that i have many to speak of, or practically none. okay, maybe just one). so he went on about how i can pick the guy, then change him.
it still didnt make much sense to me.
the changing thing could happen both ways.
he can change me into something that i dont want to be, or i can change him into something that he doesnt want to be, and where would that lead us. exactly. nowhere.
then i said instead of either of us going the entire way, God will lead us to our meeting point. we'll meet each other halfway.
i dont know how that would work out but i'm sure it will in due course.

in recent weeks, i realised i've mellowed out. a result of God's touch i believe. from learning to pray and finding God in my daily living and even knowing that He really has everything planned out.
i still struggle from time to time with issues in life, relationships and everything else in between. but i guess with the thought that i know what i'm doing wrong, helps me to correct myself.
i just love to remind myself about how much i've changed since my days when i was just a sunday Christian. how i've staved myself off vulgarities although it does slip when i'm not at the best of moods. how i've been trying my best to a better person and if i have nothing nice to say, to keep my mouth shut (i still struggle!). how i've finally been able to pray and call on the Lord as my heavenly Father.

my heart is heavy as i get ready to attend a wedding this weekend. we're no longer as close as we were before, and although we try, it's a little hard to feel the same way we used to. i've tried avoiding as much contact as i can to hold my tongue but the trials keep coming and i'm still praying for patience and forgiveness for even thinking of trying to find words to rebuke and/or bring them down.
as i look through the itinerary and see all the steps needed to take just for the bride to marry into the family, i hope and pray she has not forgotten the first love and hope at the same time, that she has actually found that love that begun even before we were formed. for without God, we will not have known love for He is love.

as always, there are so many thoughts going through my head. i have to force myself to quieten down, place my heart and hands down before God and pray. at the same time, reminding myself that i believe in a God so real that everything is planned to drive me more, to set aside time since He has given me eternity, to love for one such as i.

vanessa.c

2010-09-19T22:18:00.003+08:00

i was going through my old harddisk just awhile ago and i chanced upon pictures of my late grandaunt.
on my screen, the small picture thumbnails of her made me hesitate in opening them. i looked at them for awhile and then decided to double-click on it.
her smiling face opened up memories all over again.
a wave of sensation ran down my arms and i'm still fighting tears that threaten to come.
15th of may.
i still cant look at the picture i have of her for more than 10seconds without remembering what she'd be doing at this moment during the day or night. she'd be having coffee in the morning at the coffeeshop downstairs then do the same again at 6pm then come back up at 9pm to watch tv. in between, she'd sleep or sit in the balcony and smoke her cigarettes and read her newspapers.

i miss her so badly again and it hurts so bad. i want this to end. i want the pain to stop, the longing to end. i just want her back. i still do.
i look in the darkness at night and hope to see something. a sudden shadow, a white mist. whatever. its not healthy and its not right. i try to stop myself sometimes but that area where she last lay just draws me.

i look at my other grandaunt and i'm afraid of losing her too. she looks so much like my late grandaunt. they're alike in so many ways and they both have nicknames for me. i find myself wanting to take care of her, somewhat trying to make up for the time i didnt share with my late grandaunt. it struck a nerve with me when i look at my 3rd grandaunt in the hospital bed, hooked up with all the tubes after her heart bypass surgery and when she slept, i wanted to cry. images of my late grandaunt just started flashing right in front of my head and i wanted to hold her hand.
as my 3rd grandaunt drifted in and out of sleep, she kept gesturing me to go home and rest.
and thinking back, sitting here in my room, i recall how my late grandaunt told us all the same things. go home and rest, go and eat something, make sure not to be hungry.
everything they do, are so similar and i feel all these guilt and pain.

i wonder constantly, where she is. will i see her when my time is up on this earth. i believe in a loving and merciful God, yet at the same time, i know He abhors sin and is pure.
i'm afraid of eternity.
i'm afraid i wont be able to see the people i love, standing and glorifying God with me.
my God is loving and the things that has happened, make me believe that. i just want that confirmation that she will stand at His feet and join me in eternity, clothed in splendor, praising His name forever.

i miss her and still long for her.
memories of her still live fresh and they still arent ones i can remember and smile to. how long does the grieving process take dear God. how long.

vanessa.c

2010-09-15T22:20:00.002+08:00

you know how sometimes, in movies or in books, they say how suddenly, you look at someone and somehow, they've grown so much older overnight?

i got a taste of that.

i saw how much my dad has grown older.

then again, i dont see him much so i guess that's one of the factors..

i really like working where i am right now you know.

i get to do up powerpoint presentations, be all ocd about alignment in the microsoft word documents.

i was even asked to join my boss for dinner today! haha! she's really nice, quite chatty too. haha!!! she'll tell me all about her experiences, what the job's about and about life itself.

i stayed back today because we have a very important client coming in tomorrow evening and she's got to do a presentation on the company so i got enlisted to help. partly because no one else was free and partly because... smirks.. i'm good at what i do!

haha!!! so proud of myself for paying attention in class during my poly days. haha!!!

oh! which also reminds me that i have to go in earlier to work.

and guess what! i left work at 8pm! haha!!! the 3rd last to go!

-insert smug face-

haha!!! and i must say, my artistic presentation skills have definitely improved since i started out! woots to that! i would have posted a print screen of my work if the stuff werent private and confidential. haha!!! then again, they're all really simple.. comes with practice!

on an ending note, i've been listening to Christian songs in the morning and on the way home from work. everytime i listen, i feel this sense of thankfulness as i listen to the lyrics of the song and i am thankful for the things He has given.

on the last ending note, haha!!! caro emerald is really good! her song "back it up" is something i really groove to. actually, ne-yo's not too bad.. okay, he's quite good. haha!!! he's like the classy version of hip hop with suits and ties and smart looking hats and shoes and belts that match. woots to that! yes, we all should have shoes and belts and bags and hats that match each other!!! that's one of the first things i look when i see a guy in formal wear. it looks so put together! which reminds me of this odd kid on the bus with his brown and white woven leather belt and his black shoes. every time i see him, i want to go over and tell him to change his belt. oh shoot me.

amazingly, it really makes a huge difference when colours match, pants are of the right length, ties land just above the belt and the shirt is fitting. getting 3 of these 4 things right make "almost a man". haha!!! getting all of it right makes a man!

and and!!! i've seen this guy with a great fitting shirt and his cuffs!!! his cuffs have his name sewn on it! i used to remember his name actually. i must get me one of those one day. HAHA!!! this way no one can steal my shirt! not that anyone does, but still. haha!!

alrights! that was supposed to be the ending note. haha! till the next time, lots of love and blessed week!

vanessa.c

2010-09-14T22:25:00.002+08:00

i've been growing spiritually, and opening up to a friend i've come to respect deeply.
to think the pulpit on sunday included something about having a senior lady to take younger ladies under her wings to nurture and help guide them along the godly path.

i've probably only been this consistent in my walk with God during the weeks leading up to my operation.. which is, thinking back, nearly 5 years back.
i've been trying to keep my thoughts and emotionsin check and i realised i've been praying more often and talking to God in between thoughts and free time.
in all honesty, i know this will lead up to something good.

i still struggle everyday, with conflicts within myself, wondering how i should go about communicating with people i dont necessarily want to communicate with because they dont share the same values that i cherish and who just dont practice what they preach. they hurt people with words which they themselves might never say to that person's face and so much other more.
i struggle with loving people who i felt have cut me deep, but i try, i try to forgive as i have been forgiven.
but we shall not dwell on that!

all these chinese festive seasons make me miss my grandaunt so much more than i normally do. i still find it hard to look at a picture of her and not think of the things that she do and say.. oddly, i miss the smell of stale cigarettes around the house. i miss seeing all her things around the house. her lighters that she always keeps on the kitchen wall's ledge. the boxes of medication she leaves on the dining table. suddenly, i just miss her alot all over again.

i've been thinking about something alot.
one day, if my dad leaves us for someone else, will i still be able to bring myself to call him "dad". will i still support him when he grows old and there's no one else there.
then the craziest thing happened.
sunday's pulpit message talked about how as children we should respect our parents and care of them when they grow old.
that, has put my thoughts to rest. at first, i questioned why would God want me to do something like that. then it dawned on me that we are examples of our faith.

things will get harder yet at the same time, i trust and have the faith that i am watched over and i know He would not withhold what's good according to His promises.
and that, i rest in His presence.

vanessa.c

2010-09-11T01:24:00.003+08:00

i dreamt of someone last night, after a brief thought of him came during the course of the evening.
the dream was complete with colours, distinct faces, conversations that i actually remember and it all happened in running sequence.
most of my dreams are non-sequential and tend to happen very randomly at places that i dont exactly remember. most of them are foggy although i can sometimes remember how it goes.

i am amazed at myself, that my conscience and beliefs are so deeply rooted that they even make me make the right choices and speak the right words in my dreams.
his friend was complaining about how his life was so miserable and how regretful he was for making that choice. i then told them that i would never break up a marriage. i was calm throughout the entire dream, walking with them around a chinese garden/park with paper lanterns and my dear buddy was there trying to cut out paper patterns. haha! her face and character was so distinct that i woke up totally amused! i dreamt she was trying to cut them desperately and when it was ruined, she just didnt want to do another one and got so fed up. haha! i believe she'd do the same in real life too.

i was reminded of him, when i met a friend whom i havent seen in some years and it struck me that they both had some sort of odd resemblence.. and that was pretty much the only time he came into my mind.

after all that is said and done, of course i wish someday we can sit down and still see eye to eye and have a proper conversation. just like any normal friends can do.

then again, i dont expect much out from guys anymore so what the heck eh?

have i told you guys how much i am in love with david choi?! haha!!
alrights! got to go for now. long day ahead!
more some time soon. (:

vanessa.c

2010-09-04T23:33:00.002+08:00

i now have my speakers right in front of me instead at the corners of the table. haha! and it definitely sounds different. very different indeed.

i have all intentions of getting a camera and i shall make that decision tomorrow!
samsung PL150 or ST600!!! i am at loggerheads about which to get. touch screen or not?

and i still havent figured out what to do with my room. i mean, not that i'm making major adjustments, but i just want to rearrange the things in my room. no furniture movements, just moving the items around. i always, only do that. haha!! dont like change much i think..

its so nice to watch a particular friend fall for someone.. and i'm sure she knows who she is.. haha! i like the way they move around each other and how comfortable they are with each other's presence.. i like the way he treats her really nice and always watching out for her without too accommodating and letting her loose and overbearing.. like i've said before umpteen times, i'll say it again.
i approve and i give a big bolded red stamp of APPROVED.
(:
doesnt hurt that he looks good too eh?
haha!

i've been feeling slightly happy too actually.. not that anything big has happened, just the idea of someone who has thought of you in the morning is really sweet and very heartwarming..

sitting here in front of my desktop, thinking of what else i can say, i just realised, i can say i've been through quite a bit in these 22 years of my life. wait. ah yes, 22.
i cant open up much, although i know i do. the details all vague and technically, you cant even call them details. outline, gist of it.
i am just really thankful for the special people in my life for always understanding when i'm not in the mood to hang out, or asking them out at odd hours of the night. for always listening and helping me see things from a different perspective. for indulging me when i just want to hang out and complain about the crazy things in my life.
for the special people keeping me in their prayers too and always encouraging me when i need that push.

i dont believe they'll ever get to reading this, but i just thought i should thank them.

elizabeth,
shuwei,
ting,
serene,
yuanzhi.

for qiqi too, for always annoying me with all her shohei talk. haha!!! (:
yes, i still love you no matter how shohei-ish you go on me.

life hasnt been very smooth sailing but i am well taken care of. God has made provisions and i am well.

vanessa.c

2010-08-29T21:56:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wish i had the memory of a goldfish.
3 seconds isnt it?
just for those 3 short seconds of my life, i will wallow in the dept of those dark secrets each time i know, then they'll disappear from my memories. how wonderful would that be isnt it.

life, just feels slightly dreadful.
a friend told me how he feels sorry for me, for feeling so much resentment in this short span of life i have lived.
i really want to agree with him. i really do. still i know there are more who have worse experiences as compared to me.
of course i'm not going to go all noble and say there isnt any resentment/anger and whatever else i can think of now. i'm just trying the best i can, to be thankful of the things that i have going for me.

i remember a time, awhile back, i was just looking out the window from my living room and i just felt this urge to just drop.
i didnt want to wake up in the morning and work was, just work.

its hard to find God in all these situations. it really is. i'm just trying to pray and trust in Him, having that faith that one day it'll be okay.
i dont know how to be a Christian sometimes. my human nature takes over and all i want to do is just hate and hate and nothing else.
it sucks. and that's being very simplistic about the entire thing.

i havent been blogging much i know, and i'm so sorry!
i've been out and about quite a bit actually!
seen david choi at the esplanade for this 45mins showcase and i'm going all melty for him and his music.. haha!!!
finally tried max brenner's and the fullerton's chocolate buffet spread.
took quite a number of pictures and uploaded them to facebook! i should get myself a camera one of these coming months shouldnt i? yeah i think i should.
and i'm going to thailand next year, in january too!
haha! i think its honestly going to be a yearly trip just to shop my heart out.

i've been thinking a lot in recent months as well. thinking about my future and everything.
to study full-time, part-time.
to drop my job now and do a year's of contract teaching.
find another job.
so many things in my mind.
but i find comfort knowing that i'll be taken care of.
for if He clothes the lilies that grow in the field, what more would He do for me.
(:

well, on an ending note, i really need to clear out my room AGAIN! haha! i know! everytime i blog, i seem to be trying to clear my room. i think its a neverending thing with me. haha!!! i find quite a bit of a joy to find things to throw away.
if lesser things equates to lessening my burden, then i think i'm well on my way to have less burdens aye?! HAHA!!!
what a sad joke to make. bahh!
some time soon.. (:

vanessa.c

2010-07-20T22:35:00.003+08:00

i remember.
i remember the 15th of may.
the morning, when i touched her cheek.
when i called with my shivering hands.

suddenly everything comes back.
i feel like i'm re-living everything again especially when my paternal grandma has been close to death.
she went into the icu on sunday night when her heart dropped to zero. my aunt told my dad that grandma said to her, "i'm going already, i'm going already."
i see the image in my head, of her saying the exact words with someone looking on and i wish i was there for my grandaunt.
i wish i could have been there as she breathed her last. i'd rather be plagued with nightmares of her and let her go knowing i was beside her when she left.
now, all i want is to dream of her again.
i remember her face, her eyes, the position of her hands and body and everything.

i remember the dream that felt so real, when she came back and she told my mum, to tell shawn and i that she was fine.
the lines between reality and hallucination were so blurred.
i cant remember if i was dreaming or if i really saw her at the door of my room looking on us. how she came so close to my bed.

i remember so many things and i have so many unanswered questions. so many questions that knaw at my conscience, my brain, my everything.'
i miss her.
i still do.
i always will.

vanessa.c

2010-07-14T21:56:00.003+08:00

it has been some time since my last post i realised.
(:

things are good, nothing new.
just completed one part of the book i've been going through with serene and i cant wait for the next one! and we're hitting on prayers next!

i dont remember anything about sunday's pulpit message except this:
"when you are in love, you want the world to know"
so the question was if the world knows i am in love.
in love with my first love.
do you know, my dear readers?
the person my heart desires.
i do want the world to know i am in love.
in love with Jesus.

i need and want to tell the world but i just cant do it somehow.
i know something's holding me back.

ok! need to go crap. haha!!! more soon!
(:

vanessa.c

2010-06-24T22:13:00.004+08:00

dinner with wilson was really fun.
but i realised he was trying to get into my head because he kept doing so many little things.
example, notice my single eye-lid.
another example, notice my teeth are straight.
and! he kept leaning forward every once in awhile to make a point when he asked questions about me.
haha!!! and guess what, i saw through it all!
-smirks-
but i realised also, even though i know the tricks, i still let myself get sucked in. haha!!!
BUT! i can tell you, i had a great time being "pampered" with compliments; as i always do. haha!!! i could have stayed on the entire night if i wasnt so tired. haha!!!
i wasnt fishing for compliments, but i think he was trying to get me all blushing. haha!! which i think, worked. of course i was basking in all its glory. haha!!!
its been awhile since someone tried winning my interest.
and yes, i could go on all day about all the compliments.. then again, maybe i shall go on a little more.
HAHA!!
he! said i was a "girl-guy girl" or "guy-girl girl". i didnt really get it until he said that i'm the sort that wouldnt go on and on about something and then feel happy about spilling everything out. like the guy's input would matter, and that i'm the sort of girl guys would go for.
but OBVIOUSLY, that isnt true since i dont have a queue of guys waiting for their turn.
so i'll just soak in all the goodness. HAHA!!!
and!!! haha!! he made fun of this couple that was seated quite opposite us! he realised that the girl keeps looking over at me and he was exclaiming how the girl was jealous that i was laughing away so heartily while she was smiling away, trying to pretend how her boyfriend was also so funny. HAHA!!!
he was super hilarious!
(:
and his eyes were so intense!!! i really couldnt keep looking at him for long. darn those double eyelids. haha!!!

on to another thing!
i had a dream last night!!!
about a really sexy guy!
(:
it was too interesting! that oh-so-sexy muscles!!! i wish i could run my hands all over him forever! haha!
madness.

ah shit. i'm becoming way too fat. yucks!
ooh! i sat beside a nice smelling, not bad looking guy on the way home today!
(:
i have been blessed with eye candy. haha!!!

but how i wish that someone would just ask me out, one on one.
):
i guess i'll settle for eye candy for now. haha!!!

alrights! i think i need to go bathe and sleep early! too many pimples!!!
love! (:

glee
taking chances

dont know much about your life
dont know much about your world
but dont want to be alone tonight
on this planet they call earth

you dont know about my past and
i dont have a future figured out
and maybe this is going too fast
and maybe its not meant to last

but what do you say to taking chances
what do you say to jumping off the edge
never knowing if there's solid ground below
or hand to hold, or hell to pay
what do you say
what do you say

i just want to start again
and maybe you could show me how to try
and maybe you could take me in
somewhere underneath your skin

what do you say to taking chances
what do you say to jumping off the edge

never knowing if there's solid ground below
or hand to hold, or hell t o pay
what do you say
what do you say

and i had my heart beaten down
but i always come back for more
there's nothing like love to pull you up
when you're laying down on the floor there
so talk to me, talk to me
like lovers do
yeah walk with me, walk with me
like lovers do
like lovers do

what do you say to taking chances,
what do you say to jumping off the edge
never knowing if there's solid ground below
or hand to hold, or hell to pay
what do you say
what do you say

dont know much about your life
and i dont know much about your world

vanessa.c

2010-06-22T21:45:00.002+08:00

for the past 2 days, on the way home, i've met very interesting guys.
yesterday (monday), i decided to take the train home quite reluctantly.
on the train back, i stood in front of the door that was not open. beside me, leaning against the glass panel, was this cute geeky looking guy and i didnt pay much attention to him but i knew he was looking at my side profile. not long after, at the dhoby ghuat entrance, this other really good looking guy came and stood in front of me. woohoo! smooth skin, tanned to the right shade and his height was very good.. yet, he didnt look in any direction throughout the entire trip! stuck-up is quite the right word to use in this situation. at the corner of my eye, i realised geeky guy was stealing glances and i couldnt take it anymore so i looked at him.
haha!!!
the next thing you knew, he looked away at the moving walls behind me. so i looked back in front of the good looking guy then turned my head once more towards geeky guy and guess what!
i smiled at him!
he stared at me for awhile then i think he finally realised i was smiling at him then he smiled back.
(:
oh yes i was smiling all the way home. haha!!! such cute stuff!!!

and today! while waiting for my ban mian at toapayohcentral, this tall guy sat down at the table in front of me and i know he was looking at me because our eyes met!
it happened a few times but he never got round to keeping our eyes met long enough for me to smile back.

let's think positive and say i was looking not bad when it happened, rather than wonder if my fat stomach was showing. haha!!!

and someone asked me out today!
(:
not me alone, but i guess the thought that he would ask me before asking anyone else is a hint of something more?
but let's not go too far yeah?
haha!!! still, i was really surprised by his sudden sms in the middle of the day.
i really felt like that secondary school girl who saw the guy she liked.
(:
haha!!!
i was smiling the entire time i was getting lunch at work!
if only it really meant something else..

anyways!!! got a busy week planned ahead!
meeting wilson for dinner on thursday and a couple of the primary school friends on sunday for lunch. better remind myself to ask serene to meet me on saturday if she can make it. dear oh dear me.
very busy indeed.

i'll really try to update more often, random or not.
loves!!!

vanessa.c

2010-06-21T22:45:00.002+08:00

i hate you!
i hate your guts
i hate your lies
i hate when you always make it seem like you're in the right when you're not.
i hate it when you try to rationalise your stupid actions because you think someone else did it to you.
i hate so many more things about you that i cant even find the damn words to say.

2010-06-13T22:42:00.004+08:00

i know it has been some time since i made any proper posts.
but there hasnt much happening that deserves much air-time on my blog.

something that i think does deserve some recognition is the fact i'm reading through a book with serene.
now i am accountable to someone in my walk with God, to knowing Him more.
through talking with serene about the book, we got to share about the problems we face in our personal lives and the struggles we have even at this point of time.
it was liberating, to share my problems with a fellow Christian, who can see things from a different perspective. i remember telling elizabeth about my problems and when she shared hers. there's this comfort in knowing someone of the same faith understands and can give you advice, or even just listen..
i know some people have a mindset that Christians are practically perfect. or have to be perfect in that sense.
and it's so difficult to live up to that image when we are as fallen as anyone is. we are as human as the next person to you on the bus, train, anywhere.

but serene and i were talking, about how Jesus changes someone when they allow Him into their lives.
let's start somewhere close. let start from me.

we all have our pasts. the good, the bad, the ugly.
i was slightly on the bad-ass side in secondary school, so angsty and filled with quite bit of hate. everything was never good enough.
sunday mornings were the only time i was good. sometimes, not.
but the period before i went for my operation and since then, i've noticed changes.
there are many things about me that has changed.

i honestly believe, when someone really and truly knows God, their habits, characters, mindset and everything else that makes a person, will fine-tune itself, to seeking God and striving to be like Him. to be Christ-like. making a conscious effort is a way to start and from what i've heard and read, it's always going back to the Bible.

life has been pretty good so far i believe.
(:

went to jurong point last week to try on the bridesmaid dresses for carol's wedding and it's a pretty dress! not something i would have picked out on my own but it looks good!
my roadtrip to malaysia has been changed, to flying there and back because we realised driving up will cost us so much more. so i guess that's something to look forward to!

love on the other hand, has been a little cold towards me. haha!!!
it's always the case with me.
i like this guy, but this guy doesnt feel the same way.
this other guys likes me, but i dont feel the same way.
nothing ever changes. i think i'm a little skeptical to talk about love now. haha!! not that i dont believe in love! i still do! i really do.
but i guess i havent spoken about it in such a long time that i dont know where i should begin. i definitely hope to talk about it some time in the near future, of how beautiful everything is when love between 2 people exists.

speaking of love, i miss my grandaunt. i dont have the aching pain now but i dont know if it's because i've been so caught up with everything in my life to actually think of her. still, i guess that's good right?

on an ending note!!!
i miss my ting ting!!! ting!!! if you see this, can you reply our sms-es?!! amanda and i have been trying to reach you!!!
):
we miss you so much so please?! reply us soon!!! you're going to pay a heavy price when you get back! and i mean, pay a heavy price, literally!

alrights! i think this is all i have for now. this blog feels so dead when i've got nothing to say. oh my dear readers, please dont give up on me! (:

vanessa.c

2010-05-28T00:50:00.002+08:00

it has been some time hasnt it.
and its a holiday.

the week has been crazy with neverending work that just keeps piling and piling!
thank goodness i didnt meet with anyone yesterday because i left work at 10pm.
phew! what a feat. haha!

sitting down in front the computer, i realised, this week hasnt been all that.
i realised, i way too far away from God.
everything's really dull.
it's depressing to a certain extent.
bah!

vanessa.c

2010-05-15T22:09:00.002+08:00

the entire day.
i kept recalling what we did just last year.
when the medics came.
when the police came.
when our relatives came and all the crying i hear from my room.
when the undertakers came.
when audrey told my grandaunt that she was going to clean her.
when the undertakers carried her down.
when they were sealing the coffin.
when the older generation were going through her belongings.
when they placed her necessities in front of the alter table.

and this was only the first day.
but it doesnt make it any different.
everything came back.
i havent shed any tears today and i dont know if that's good.
i havent gone to the part where we had to really say our goodbyes.
i havent gone to the part where we all placed our flowers on her coffin as we walked around.
i havent gone to the part where i remember how it was, seeing the coffin go into the wooden doors.
i havent gone to those and i know if i delve in just that little bit deeper, it would nullify my previous statement of not shedding any tears.
i dont know if i'm surpressing my emotions or if i've really gotten through it. i'll never get over it, that i am certain.
it still hurts even after a year.
it doesnt feel that long.
everything still feels so fresh.
i know i have issues i have yet to deal with regarding my grandaunt. issues that i will never be able to resolve in this life on earth. issues that i want to talk to her about.
i want to hear her again. i want to say i'm sorry. i want to buy her lunch, the way i wanted to the sunday before she left.
i have so many regrets that i dont think i'll be able to get through her passing.

my mum asked me once if i actually saw my grandaunt breathe her last.
i wished i had.
i wished i had the burden to carry, to haunt me, to know at least, maybe, i know i was there beside her when she left.

i remember the part where i see her, her eyes open and mouth ajar.
her cold cheeks.
i remember running up to get my phone.
i remember my shaking hands trying to find a number to call.
i remember calling 999 and finding the heart to say my grandaunt is dead.
i remember calling my mum and dad.
i remember waiting.
i remember everything.
and now, my nose hurts, my eyes sting.
just because i can remember.

vanessa.c

2010-05-14T23:17:00.002+08:00

its almost there.
just a couple more hours.

and i'm missing her even more.

vanessa.c

2010-05-12T23:59:00.002+08:00

it's nearly a year since she's been gone and sometimes, i feel it getting better.
for the most part, i still cant let go.

i get past days sometimes, so busy until the thought of her is pushed to the back of my head. getting through the door isnt as hard as it used to, but when i feel so drained and all i want to do is just sleep, i can imagine her when i open the door.

and i believe its time i fall asleep.

saturday saturday, the 15th of may.
what a day it will be,
when we remember our loved one
who went away just too soon.

vanessa.c

2010-05-08T14:57:00.002+08:00

for a long time, i've been thinking.

how i'd get attached, do all sorts of funny couple things, get married, settle down, have kids, grow old, then one day, leave this earth.

but i realised (for a long time), that life, is actually much more complicated. sure we cut all the stuff we dont want to hear about like fights, finance problems and ultimately death. yet at the same time, the realist part in me realises that there's just too much more.

we always say how character is so much more important than looks, but do we really apply it in our lives?

i was trying out a pair of jeans yesterday while shopping with shuwei and i realised so many flaws on my skin. way too many flaws that i've never taken any notice of before. i stared at them for awhile and i thought to myself, i'll never get past this.

i'll never be able to get past the fact that i dont have good skin, flat stomach/great looking abs, thick flowing hair, double eye-lids, slim legs, pretty nails, white teeth, uneven boobs and everything else in between. i'll look at myself in the mirror and know that they'll always be there no matter how nice my clothes are.

its different from saying i'm comfortable in my own skin.

i am okay with all these imperfections, i really am.

yet i know i'll always be flawed in someone else's eyes.

i know i'll never be able to get attached without feeling like i'm never good enough.

we're psycho-ed into thinking everyone's body is perfect without flaws. no cellulite, no stretch-marks, no pimples.

so now everytime we see someone really good, we have this mindset that he/she is perfect. perfect skin, perfect everything. then suddenly, you see a flaw and everything falls apart.

maybe, when the person is right, the flaws wont matter as much?

and some people make getting attached sound so easy. haha!!!

alrights. got to go for now.

loves

vanessa.c

2010-05-03T22:17:00.002+08:00

i remember talking to matthew choo once, on facebook, about the reason why we are here on earth for.
i made a comment, not realising how true it would be.
i told him, i think, one of the many purposes that i am here for, is to help others.
how so?
i experience it first, then someone else will experience something similiar and i will try my best to be their help and remind them of how good God is.
another incident happened over the weekend and now, i'm pretty sure its one of my calling.
i'm afraid because there are so many things to experience in life.

as a working adult now, i can actually comprehend how difficult life can be. the need to save for rainy days, insurance, daily necessities and everything else in between.
its tiring sometimes, to wonder how to work out the finances.

okay! enough of sad stuff for now.

wednesday's company dinner night and i'm pretty excited about it!
my first ever company dinner!
(:
dinner at mandarin oriental's melt the world cafe!
super exciting because i LOVE the food there. give me prawns and desserts and sashimi and i'll be a very happy vanessa! haha!

OOH!!! something really cute happened today at work!
i was typing at the typewriter at the receptionist area when the courier guy came. he's this really friendly malay guy who love making small talk. its really enjoyable when he comes, even if its for 10 seconds!
he asked me why i was outside typing today and i told him because the typewriter's outside.
then i asked him where i should sign and he told me anywhere and said "and leave your number also"
i laughed and he laughed too, afterwhich, he said just joking and bid me good day.
(:
its really nice, even if its just a joke, to say something nice to make someone smile and have a impression that they are appreciated, even if its fake.
haha!!!
more of nice malay courier guy please!!!
which also reminds me. the dhl courier guy is really nice also! he always greets when he comes. woohoo to nice guys!

alrights. i think i got to go bathe and sleep early! i need to lose them eye bags!

lots of love, love, love
vanessa

2010-04-27T23:06:00.003+08:00

i dreamt last night, about her.
and how she left us again.
i woke up to find myself crying and my heart aching and it really felt like it happened just a couple of hours before.
why God, why.

i was reminded of her anniversary even at work.
i was reading an account and there it was, 15 may 2009.
it came right out at me and i had to control myself.

i hate how i let these things get to me.
yet at the same time, i know, this is one of the many ways i will remind myself of her.

vanessa.c

2010-04-26T22:55:00.002+08:00

for the most part of my life, after reaching my first high point, experiencing God's love, peace and mercy, i've always been able to look back and understand why i've been through the things that i've been through.

taking my o levels again,

going through the operation,

the heart ache of missing someone i will never have,

and so many others in between.

i can tell you without a doubt, that i believe quite strongly, i am made to help people through experiencing the hardships myself.

but i havent been able to find solace for this hurdle.

for something i have no answers to. for something that i will never know until He comes.

everytime during worship, i hear a song about how God treats each tear i cry with such importance, i want to breakdown.

to a certain extent, i think i can feel Him touching my soul, stretching out His hand to reach me. to tell me He really cares, to tell me He wants to hold me and tell me everything will be okay.

i think i know whats holding me back.

its all these questions about God that we dont have answers to.

the questions that could make or break my relationship with Him.

yet i have enough experiences in my life to know how real He is to me, to sustain my faith.

so i'm still holding on.

vanessa.c

2010-04-26T00:05:00.002+08:00

i needed to talk to someone but i think, i havent found someone right to share problems with. i mean, the person i want to talk to is studying for her papers and i dont want to disturb her as yet but i'll meet her after to talk.

we had a gathering on saturday morning at 12am, at choa chu kang cemetery, to witness the grave digging of 2 ancestors.
my great grandmother and my grandmother.
the idea of going to a graveyard at such a time kind of creeped me out.
i prayed really fast and quite repetitively, asking for peace and for His protection.
i think i would have annoyed myself if i were looking from a third person's standpoint. i cant stand repetitive sounds (with the exception of music). like the sound of nails tapping and screeching chairs.
the whole thing was quite an experience, seeing how solid the coffins were, how small sized my ancestors were, the smell of the wet mud and all the water inside the coffins and the skeletons.
they even found a jade bangle my grandmother was wearing when they buried her.
the following morning, we went to the mandai crematory and placed both of them beside my late grandaunt.
the story behind it is that the 3 of them were very close during their younger days. my great grandmother would sit and make all the peanut pastries, while my grandaunt and grandmother helped. in fact, my grandaunt introduced my grandmother to my grandfather.
(my grandfather is my grandaunt's elder brother)
so my uncle told me that after the niche was sealed and the taoist priest has finished saying all the rites and rituals, that he could imagine the 3 of them, all sitting together happily, reunited once more.
i had the same image in mind as well, except i can imagine them thanking my mum and asking us to enjoy the food with them.
my uncle also said something else, that really struck a chord with me.
initially, when we placed my grandaunt's ashes into the niche, they gave us a supposedly bad spot because she was at the bottom. after awhile, my mum had the idea of exhuming greatgrandmother and grandmother's grave because incidentally, there were 2 spaces beside my grandaunt. just 2 spaces. nothing more, nothing less. coincidence, it could be. but i'd like to believe God made it this way for us to rest that little bit easier.
its still hard for me, to look at my grandaunt's picture and smile.
i dont know if its guilt, regret, or if i really truly, purely, miss her. a combination of both?
i was trying to tell shawn about the dream i had, that she came back one night and even before i could finish my first sentence, i started tearing and sobbing until i couldnt carry on.
it still feels so raw.
the loss and everything else.
my dad said he saw her.
my mum said she hit her pillow twice.
and i only dreamt/saw her coming back to tell us she was okay.
i dont know what i want, or need.
i want to see her, but at the same time, i dont know if my mind is ready for something like that.

i cant tell if the dream/illusion was a God-given dream/illusion or something my mind made up because i was so desperate for a confirmation. i still strongly believe that it was so vivid and it felt so real to me.
they say if you think of someone, they wont want to reveal themselves to you.
as a Christian, am i allowed that line of thought.
the lines are so blurred that i dont know what i should or should not accept.

on another note, i think its time i really spent more time with God. i've seen His mercy and grace throughout this entire month. from the slightest thing to the major decisions. serene prayed for a goodnight's sleep for me on thursday night and i indeed slept so peacefully without waking up in the middle of the night, to hear the howling sounds of a stray dog, which i've done so for the past 2 days. i think her prayer was more effective because she had the dog in mind as well, while i prayed God would shut the dog up. haha! she prayed that both the dog and i would get rest. haha!
(:
thank you serene.

i know, God's trying to hold me as i go through this painful experience. i think somehow, something's holding me back. i dont know what is, but i really, truly believe He's breaking me down so i can lean on Him and let Him carry me. i'm still learning, still trying to let go. i want to be where You are.

its still painful even after nearly a year. just 2 more weeks before her first year anniversary.
almost a year since i found her.
almost a year since i said goodbye.
almost a year since i called her.
its almost a year.

vanessa.c

2010-04-17T19:09:00.002+08:00

isnt she good enough
for someone who would stay
doesnt she deserve some
oh just some loving today

vanessa.c

2010-04-15T23:23:00.002+08:00

its exactly 11 months since she's left and i am reminded of her last few days with us at home today.

i hate it. i hate every second it, of being alive here and not knowing where she is.
i want to believe that she's in heaven.
and i want, need, plead, for that confirmation because it's killing me from the inside.

last week was crazy with a big decision i made at work.
i can divulge much but i can honestly tell you that it's really by God's grace that i have this job, and be able to pay for the things that i consume and save.

i havent got much to talk about since there's nothing much happening in my life.
its quite sad but i'm coping!
(:
on a happier note, a trip to malaysia is in the works!
exciting stuff!
but we cant decide if we want to drive up or take the plane up. driving will probably be more fun but plane saves us more time. HAHA!

i'm feeling way fat!
ah. alrights. got to go for now otherwise my migraines are going to kill me tomorrow at work and i have too many things to do to sit there and feel like crap.
loves!!!

vanessa.c

2010-03-28T18:37:00.002+08:00

saturday passed me by so quickly.
went down to the cemetery to visit my great grandmother and grandmother's grave. we're going down again on the 24th for the exhumation of the graves.
we visited quite a number of relatives, from lim chu kang to mandai.
i've never seen so many headstones ever in person and it really opens your eyes to a whole new world that we city dwellers have never seen. it never occured to me that singapore could have so many people who have gone. as in, i know many people died but it doesnt hit you as hard as when you see all these graves. those with pictures and those without.
i was at my great grandmother's grave when it struck me, how different heaven and hell can be.
i felt the hot sun on my right arm and the cool morning breeze on my shaded left arm. we all know these 2 places are very different and again, a personal experience really makes the difference, makes the impact.

the last stop we made was at my grandaunt's niche.
i saw it coming.
somehow, i was unprepared.
i see her picture and i remember how she looked like when i found her.
i know the pictures doesnt do her justice because the prominent mole is gone, the deep set wrinkles all photoshop-ed away.
i remember how she looked like when she was laughing.
i remember everything.
and again, i broke.
in a way, i found it easier. not because i'm getting over her death but for the few friends who knew what i did when i needed comfort during the festive period.
it helped, knowing God knows and me having faith that He will make everything beautiful in His time; even if it means i'm hanging on to a thin singular thread of faith. i know He knows and He will keep me.

i still have issues with my so-called grandfather and there's still so much hate and anger towards him. i could go on and on about how mean he was but forget it, i'll leave it as it is. i cant try to be nice when he's all that he is. everything's about money.

it kills me everytime i remember the small things. i walk in the routes she walks around the house and touch the things she once touched. i never want to clean the remote control because its the one thing that no one bothers to clean and i know she always holds it in her hands. its like, holding the one thing that has traces of her.
its frustrating to know i'm doing all these things to hold on to memories of her but at the same time, i dont want to stop doing it.
i'm really afraid i'll forget her voice.
i'm really afraid i'll forget the things she'll say and the way she reacts.
when one of my aunt jokingly called my grandaunt by name instead of the usual 'aunt' status, i can hear my grandaunt laugh and slap my aunt on her back and answer 'oy' back.
when my other grandaunt talked to her and told her that we're here to visit her, i can imagine my grandaunt looking at all of us and asking us how we are and if we have eaten and asking us to partake with her. the images of the things she would do are so vivid, it's almost like i know she's doing it to everyone of us and i'm not imagining it at all.

it's going to be a year since she's left and i still remember everything like it happened just this morning. it's one more reason to hate may.
everything in may is not good.
graduation was in may and i had to leave a bunch of good friends to go our separate ways.
someone's birthday is in may and i find it hard to forget it, the way i remember my family member's birthdays.
and now, i have to go through may with her anniversary.
i cant even bring myself to say the word.
it's filled with so much finality that if i say it, i would forget her.

when will heartaches ever end?
i'd like to believe in God's love, grace and mercy.
at the same time, i am aware of the consequences of the other choices.
i wish, i had all the answers.
then again, there wouldnt be faith anymore would it.

i'll hold on to the dreams i had of her, having faith that God's speaking to me the way He used to when i never really wanted to or could listen to Him.

mercyme
something about You

still there's something about You
that keeps me in pursuit of who You are
i will spend my days finding ways to praise
the glory and the grace of who You are

vanessa.c

2010-03-17T23:27:00.002+08:00

in a world of pain and suffering
i look for You
for Your presence
Your peace
Your touch
Your love
Your joy
in short, all i'm looking for is You.
help me.
help me God, help me.

vanessa.c

2010-03-13T21:12:00.002+08:00

this week, i went for a funeral.
a secondary school teacher's funeral to be more exact.
i saw the whole set up and those priests and the layout of the food and candles and the coffin.
i should be okay, i tell myself.
i sit down with friends and the chanting and the music came on.
the images of you swirl around and i remember coming down from the house to see everyone around you, mummy tell me to say my last goodbyes as they close the lid.
i remember you from my point of view.
your eyes closed, your hands clasped and placed on your stomach.
is peaceful the right word to say when i've seen you at home, your hands outstretched.
it was a facade i wanted to scream.
this is not right.

i see the family milling around and people coming to pay their respects.
i remember your friends coming too, even people so much younger than you.
i see how you have impacted them that they would come even when they probably never knew who your family were.

i still miss you dearly and i havent found the courage and peace to smile when i think of you.
maybe it's getting better or maybe it doesnt hurt as much when the days are less festive.
i still hope sometimes, to hear you open the door.
to smell the faint smell of cigarettes lingering around the house.

i remember your face so distinctly and still, i'm afraid i might forget.
i fear that day will come when i cant recall how she looks like.
i fear i might forget how she sounds like.
and all i have are memories of her through photos.
and my heart pains at the thought of just losing any part of her from my mind.

the teacher's funeral brought back again, a lot of memories.
chinese new year and i remember the places she would be at home, doing this and doing that.
teacher's funeral and i remember her face and everything about her funeral.
i dont regret going because in that morbid sense, i feel like i'm not losing her in my head because everything's still a little fresh.
the emotions, the images, the sounds.

some say such things happen so fast that they cant really remember things. that everything happened like a whirlwind.
to me, everything was what it was.
there was no fast or slow.
things just happen and i take everything in as the minutes and seconds pass.

is it okay for me to be still so attached to someone who is long gone.
is it normal to miss someone so much.

on to something less depressing...
had dinner with ting, shuwei, elyse, minn, yensoon & edmund. dinner was so fun and we talking about relationships until 1am.
(:
shuwei left early because she lives so far away. if only she moved to toa payoh/bishan/braddell. haha!
(:
i'd like more of these, to feel old and just sit around a table and talk about silly things.

vanessa.c

2010-02-28T00:02:00.002+08:00

i think, i'm scarred.
either that or i'm just screwed for life when it comes to relationships.
yeah. either one.

i felt like as the printing machine in history was photocoping my past and putting it in my current file.
the guy knew the right things to say and i was falling right in.
fall fall fall.
then.
i realised, it's not going to work out.
i tell him and that's it.
end of it.
i felt like such an idiot.

i put my religion first and i get all these guys who i try not to fall for because i choose to put religion first.
i know, it's the right thing.
but when is it going to be worth it?
when will all these short pain end?
of course it's annoying even though i'd hate to admit it.

he reminded me of someone else.
i even smiled when he typed my name out on msn and in text messages.
i even smiled like a total goon on the train when he sent me a message.
it really felt good.
i havent felt this way in such a long while.
now that i've drawn the line to protect my heart and his, i know it's not going to be quite the same.

did i also mention about someone who asked me to watch a romantic movie, the day before valentine's day, then tell me i'm his "gal pal". yes, in his own words.
i'm not exactly crazy about him but goodness gracious me!
i wont mention names but it might be quite easy to guess.

to a certain extent, i think, i'm afraid to fall in love.
i find it hard to believe a couple can stay together, forever, till death do they part.
of course i see old couples holding hands and i honestly feel so happy for them.
but i look around and i see also, jerks who wreck marriages and the people who permit them to do so.
i want to believe there is true love. but its hard that way when nearly everything in the world shows me otherwise. sure i know there's work to be done. still. there's something about love that makes me so skeptical.

or maybe i'm too cynical for love.
yeah. that just may be it.

vanessa.c

2010-02-22T23:35:00.002+08:00

for all the things i've been through, i think i'm strong enough to keep things together when i'm required to.
yet deep down, i know things arent just what they seem.
i know, someone knows everything. every single detail of my life.
at times, its scary because He knows every single mistake whether known or unknown to the people around me.
other times, i'm glad because i know my actions will glorify Him.

sunday's message was really crazy.
i didnt have time to digest all that information but i was caught up in all my thoughts of life after death and how God chooses.

i'm still scared of what the future holds and the answers that i seek.

vanessa.c

2010-02-15T21:29:00.002+08:00

you're missing out on whatever celebrations we have this year.
you're missing out on the laughter, the gatherings, the teasing and food.
would you come back for a moment just so i can see you again.
why should the world keep turning when you're gone.
why should the world keep turning when anyone's gone.
things arent the same.
things will never be the same.
so why it seem like everyone forgot you were here.
why does everyone seem to be having fun.
could we even celebrate.
you are gone and i dont want to celebrate anything.
even birthdays arent complete.
every celebration is meaningless.
i want to call your name again.
i want to hear you call my name again.
i still hear your footsteps in my head.
i keep trying to find you in the dark, in the living room and out on the balcony.
but you are never there. not even a shadow.
i thought i heard you snore the other time.
can you tell me where you are so i know where to look for you.
my heart aches for you and my tears still fall.
can you see it, can you feel it.
time doesnt heal, and it hasnt been any easier.
i still cant find the strength to smile when i think of you.
there is so much pain as i remember everything.
it wrecks my head and my heart and i cant breathe.
i have your keys in my room and i left them where you can find it easily.
if you are back, please, take it.
take it and come home.
i dont want to see you in pictures because they arent enough for me.
are you lonely and cold where you are
please know you're always on my mind everyday.
i wish i could be where you are.
because i miss you so badly.
because nothing's the same without you.
nothing at all.

vanessa.c

2010-02-11T22:53:00.002+08:00

the past few days has been dreary because i am reminded of her. i see funerals and everything floods back. contrary to what some people testify to, i can remember everything. the vivid colours of the casket, the way she looked when she lay in it, the way she looked when i touched her cold cheek. i remember seeing her dentures on the floor and i still have this feeling she was struggling. that she threw it out to try to get my attention and i wasnt there for her.

i dont care what people tell me, about my grandaunt knowing i was in the house with her when she passed on, because i still believe she was calling for me but i was too ignorant to go down downstairs.

this guilt feeling doesnt go away. it doesnt make things better. things arent getting better. they're still as painful. maybe time wont heal this pain. because i'll never know if she was angry at me, if she was struggling, if she was trying to call for me.

because i still want to tell her i'm sorry. sorry for the things i did wrong, and sorry for the things i never did. because deep down, no matter how hard i try, i think, i still love her.

and it cuts me so deep when i wasnt filial to her and i threw my stupid shitty fits. because i regret so many things and i know i'm never going to have the chance to make it up to her.

and now, i wish my grandfather died. i wish that all the time at her funeral. i wish he died in her stead. he was never much for a grandfather to begin with, when he gave my cousin hell when she was only a young teenager. for always wanting to satisfy his stupid sexual desires. for always only having money on his mind. yes. i think, i hate him.
he didnt even ask to visit my mum when she had her operation. what sort of shit father is that?

as a normal person, i find it so terribly hard to love him. as a Christian, i've failed in my commandment to love. why couldnt he have passed on instead of my grandaunt?
if her death is a lesson to cherish him, i'll tell you i'm not learning it.

i love my other grandaunt because i know she cares for me even though she was so annoying in the beginning when she was taking care of my mum.
but ask me to care for my grandfather and i tell you its quite impossible. i hate his guts.

i miss her so badly when the house is quiet and all i hear is the wind blowing.
i miss her everytime i step into the house and see the empty space where she always lies.
i miss seeing her things around the house; her packet of cigarettes, her orange-reddish specks of a glasses, her metal cup and all the spots of water where her hand touches. i miss so many things and i remember so many things.

can i have her back God?
even for a day.
please.

vanessa.c

2010-01-31T19:14:00.001+08:00

ahh! why cant he ask me out!
please do?

bahh.
i think. my period's here and its so annoying because i am fat. all the water retention. oh wells. slightly bigger boobs does make things a little brighter. haha!
(:

the gathering with the small group of poly classmates was really fun with a ride from the awesome enshao with his crazy thrilling driving. he tailgated another car and my hands went absolutely wet. as well as my feet. i havent sat in such a car in such a long time! obviously i was scared out of my wits but the excitement was really thrilling. haha!!! oh and the music that comes with the mad driving just added to the mood. HAHA! it's really interesting since i never really took a liking to trance music, but the ones he listens to are really addictive!
i think trance is fine with me but i draw the line at techno. it's way too repetitive for me. bahh.

the next gathering i have is with the primary school classmates. hmm, just the few of them actually so yeah. going straight after work.

i have so many things to do and so many people to meet i havent got time to clean my room!!! ahh! shoot me! doesnt help that i dont like to move around when i have my period. i just want to sit down and not move at all. haha!
):

i am actually all set for chinese new year! i've got tons of new clothes to wear and i'm just waiting for the chinese new year days to be over so i can wear them! HAHA!

this year, the only exciting thing that i'm looking forward to is my cousin's carol's wedding.
bridesmaid to be! and one occasion to really dress up pretty!
(:
now that's exciting!

can someone let me do up their room? please?! anyone willing to spend small money at ikea for me to do their room? please?! i'd do it for free!
):
i have so many inspirations!
i think i know how i want my house to look like in the future.

general
walls will all be white.
each room has a specific colour. blue, pink, yellow, green, brown.
the colours in each room will range from the dark to the lightest.
everything will be simplistic and non-cluttered.
even if there is clutter, it'll be an organised clutter.

kitchen
the kitchenwares will be multi-coloured and be tinted glass and white porcelain.
a well organised kitchen where i can label all the clear glass containers.

in each room
a white cupboard in each room filled with books of the room's colour.
floral items in each room to make each day cheery be it bedsheet or real flowers that are grown by the windowsill.
a place on the wall filled with framed pictures of family and friends and maybe sceneries.

toilets
colour-themed as well, except its tiles of course.
towels, toothbrushes everything.

i'm just smiling away like an idiot thinking about all these possibilities. it's such a crazy thing really. but it just makes me so happy.
(:

i think i'm going insane.
haha! okay. i'm ready to tell my monday secret.
(:
i've been attending lessons on mondays after work. these lessons are tempopary, just 8 lessons and as of now, sunday, i've completed 4.
i got shoes just for this lesson.
(:
and i've been learning salsa dancing.

HAHA!!!
it's been really fun coordinating my hands and legs. the last time i danced properly was probably in primary school with ballet and chinese dance. haha!
i think, i shall head on to ballroom dancing after this!
or maybe try something fun like belly dancing or exotic dancing. HAHA!!!
i must be mad.

anyways! i should get going and see if i can clear ANY part of my room. haha!
(:

on a side note, because i'm a tad bit lazy to post the lyrics here are a few of my earworm selections!

paul mccartney - dance tonight
jason castro - let's fall in love again
james brown - people get up and drive your funky soul
kina grannis & david choi - my time with you

all these are such epic songs!!! i am in love.
till the next time!
loves!

vanessa.c

2010-01-30T10:21:00.003+08:00

one more week to chinese new year and i still haven started cleaning out my room properly!!!
-sulks-
i still need more space. haha! more boxes!
actually. i think. i need one more room. HAHA!!!
(:
and i realised i have a lot of bags.
should i sell them?!
okay, even if i wanted to sell, where can i do that?! online? that sounds easier said than done right? ohman! help me.
):
HAHA!
and i am extremely bloated as of now. so fat fat!!! but i'm just way too lazy to make myself swim or run or do anything related to straining myself. ohman. i'm quite screwed. i need to start being more of a workaholic! work work! okay, maybe cleanaholic. HAHA!!!
OKAY!!!!
it should be more dedicated!
yes. dedicated is the right word.

oh! i have to say something! the other day, daphne forced me to do some really random valentine's day quiz of some sort. its just one of those random applications where you just click and they tabulate the results for you.
so apparently, this one helps you to choose your dates.
i did it and the first two guys on my list are already attached.
i dont want to list names because its quite embarrassing if they found out. just five guys. haha! i really wonder how they get that list!

oh! justin.
(:
he's been sending all these random
hey:)
text messages on random days and it makes me just smile everytime i see his name pop up on my screen.
last night was one of them days. he was out with his friend at orchard having starbucks at 1am.
teehee!
when i got his sms, i immediately sms-ed daphne. haha!!!
we chatted for awhile until i fell asleep. ohman. and he was really sweet about it, wishing me the sweetest dreams.
(:
melt melt melt!!!
oh if only i knew if he was serious or just being really nice as he usually is.

alrights! think i've ranted quite a bit for now. HAHA! i need to start cleaning out! and maybe bake today. nice weather!
(:

loves!!!

vanessa.c

2010-01-17T22:06:00.002+08:00

what do you do when you like this guy but you know somehow, it's not going to work out?
because i still remember when he first called me by my name. its not like i've been crushing on this guy for these years. its just that every time i see him, i just want to keep looking at him and the things he do, the way he speaks and just his actions in general. i'm just attracted to him. just that. no proper rhyme or reason.
i like to hear him speak with that special lisp.
i like to watch him do his hair thing.
there are many things that i notice about him but he probably doesnt know.
how annoying.

chinese new year is so near already aye.
and i have no lack of new clothes to wear! i'm just waiting for chinese new year to come so i can start wearing them! haha! i have quite a number of tops to work with! haha!!! very nice.
anyways! nothing much except that i'm going to stay home on weekends to clear my room for chinese new year! why weekends? because i'm so tired after work that i just want to sleep. HAHA! i'll definitely take pictures of my room and wardrobe! woohoo!
(:

vanessa.c

2010-01-09T20:33:00.002+08:00

i think the picture on the left is due for a change wouldnt you agree?
(:

i have been looking at my wardrobe for the entire week, wondering how i'm going to get things organised and trying to look for clothes to give away or throw but i just cant find any!!! i know there're clothes that i probably cant fit properly but i just love them so much to allow them to be removed from the hangers! HAHA!
i'm quite crazy really.
i can imagine them crying out my name and asking me why i dont want them anymore. HAHA!!! how crazy am i? i hope i dont become a hoarder or something! or maybe i'm on my way to being one! now that's quite scary.

anyways, this week has been really crazy with my migraines coming everyday at around 3pm. i have absolutely no idea why it happens at such a time but getting it at work has been downright crazy. doesnt help that one of my colleagues is such a multiple-faced irritating person that i just want go over and whack her.
BAHH
such nasty stuff really!

oh! i just got my hair cut today and its so ugly!!! my fringe is way short and i cant stand short fringe because it bugs the crap out of me. i shall desperately try to keep pulling my fringe in a useless and sad bid to make it grow fast. HAHA!!!

you know, i read a past blog entry on my old blog and i was reminded of things.
i dont feel that much anymore honestly.
if i see him on the streets, i think i'd just go "hey! long time!"
and that would be the end of it.
or maybe i'd be "look at me now without you!" and laugh it out after walking away from meeting him. i think i'd be doing that. and that makes me very happy indeed!
(:
i dont know if this is a facade because i havent seen him in a really long time and there's no contact. i dont think i have any animosity towards him but i think i might just blame him for making me lose faith in guys in general. to make me really want to just date Christian guys even if the non-Christian ones are really good.
tsk. guys in general.

ooh! i actually got a blister on my middle finger from just sharpening my colour pencils! i havent done the old school sharpening method since, well, primary school! i got such a tiny thrill from just looking at the colour pencils becoming sharp one by one. HAHA!

you know, i dont think i can keep my monday secret for long. haha!!! i just have to keep it just a bit longer!!! ahhh!!! its such a cool thing to be able to do this with no strings attached. just for fun and experimentation. no competition, no exams. just pure enjoyment! i shall divulge it soon! not like this coming week but maybe after next week! unless i forget or i cant control my mouth. HAHA!

anyways, i really havent got much to say. its so weird since i remember going on and on about relationships in the past. have i become numb or so feelingless that i just cant find things to talk about?

vanessa.c

2010-01-04T21:55:00.009+08:00

monday is filled with mixed emotions. but mostly, i think it's good! i'm liking my new monday nights!

i shall keep it a secret first though! until i'm really excited and i cant contain it no more then shall i expose my secret. but i can tell you my buddy is super cute! haha!!! we (or rather i) had tons of fun. more mondays!!! and i need more plasters. HAHA!!! the sad thing today? my migraine struck and boy was i like a zombie at work. i kept my head down the entire time and i didnt want to do any work. bahh.. migraine suck shit. alrights! nothing much again! let me see if i can get pictures up! (:

these are the stuff for my parents! the 3 basic tops and the 2 formal looking tops belong to my mum although its highly likely that i'll snatch them when i have the chance to. HAHA! the 3 collared shirts are my dad's exclusively for his work!

these are presents! the sport shoe one for timo, for always sending his regards during the trying moments and for being ever so encouraging. thank you.

the cardigan for my dearest fong ee for always making me see things from my mum's point of view when my eyes are covered like those of a race horse. the paranoid mode tee for my crazy cousin qiqi because she's as crazy as i am. the tee filled with food items for meimei for always following me around!!! haha! the graphic tees for my twin cousins who are always making me laugh and bringing me smiles and laughters that is just too random to not be laughed at. and for always trying to calm me down when i'm going nuts. they should eat more then i'll be able to get nicer shirts for them. haha! and the 3 singlets for corn, daniel and ben. corn for sharing his thoughts when i was going through a rough time and struggling to find peace in God. daniel & ben... for being lunch khakis? haha!!!

these tees belong to my brother!!! okay. the polo tees dont all belong to him. haha!!! but i just love the graphic tees! i think i'm buying all these tees for shawn just because i cant wear them and the closest person to me is shawn and i just want to own them. does that make sense at all? like, i'm dressing shawn because i cant dress myself in those guy shirts. that should make a tad bit more sense. HAHA!!! arent they so cool?! i know, i''m a damn cool sister. way cool. HAHA!

these!!! are mine all mine!!! HAHA! the black and white one is pretty much like a vietnamese-ish top that you have to wear a pair of jeans with. the white v-neck lace top is something like what bysi is selling for about 50bucks or so, while i got mine at less than 10bucks! HAHA!!! such a steal. then there's the tie top that is oh-so cute! i havent seen one like that in ages!!! then there's the black flowery dress that i just couldnt resist! the black tube top in the middle is an eyelet top. then there's the blue flowery top that goes very nicely with jeans but stained all of my tank tops, which is at the bottom right-hand corner. bahh!!! then there's the white top with the black belt that minn spotted and is going to sell on ther blogshop! if you guys are interested, please grab it fast cause she didnt get a lot and its honestly damn hot stuff!

and here are my accessories!!! i'm so in love with these stuff!!! i didnt manage to take pictures of the tons of other purses i got for my colleagues cause they're all at work already! anyways! the strawberry purse is for bird because she has a sudden crazy fetish for every and any thing strawberry to match her strawberry converse shoes. HAHA!!! silly bird.

i'm so digging my shoes and bags too!!! and how can you not love the belts?! so extremely light they dont droop! and that is the best! haha!!! okay la! i think i got to go already! need to sleep more to avoid more migraines. BAHH!!! more pictures of the trip soon! or you can just check out my facebook! loves!!!

vanessa.c

2010-01-01T21:06:00.003+08:00

woohoo! i've got quite a loot this time round!
i havent uploaded my pictures so no pictures for now.
but boy was it crazy.
the first day itself was mad because i didnt wake up on time and i didnt manage to clean up properly before meeting minn and ting. haha! they probably could have killed me.
so we went shopping throughout the entire trip except for monday when we went to the floating market, elephant ride and some thai village thing. the floating market was quite a blast! thank goodness i made good decisions in buying those random food like the coconut jelly thing and the springroll. ohmyword were they good! i need more of those.
oh, i forgot to mention that the pictures that i have are really crappy because i totally forgot about my camera when i rushed out of the house. HAHA!!!
so i have to wait patiently for ting and minn to send me pictures. HAHA!!! how sad is that.
anyways! here's a summary of my loot!

1 dress
1 cardigan (for aunt)
3 pairs of shoes (1 for mum)
3 bags
3 cotton purses (aunt, mum, bird)
4 tank tops
4 belts
5 pairs of earrings (jane, rebecca)
5 casual/graphic shirts (3 for mum/qiqi, meimei)
6 tops
7 hairbands (1 for bird)
10+ purses (for colleagues)

4 singlets (3 for friends, 1 for shawn)
2 long sleeved shirts (dad)
9 shirts (2 for weijun & weijian, 1 for timo, shawn)
8 polo tees (1 for uncle jony, 1 for alvin kaufu, shawn & dad)

whoa! that is quite a number isnt it! i also got guava back, pork floss sculpted in sticks that resembles dog poo, glico sticks ranging from corn to strawberry. HAHA!!! i'm supposed to have coconut sugar in my list but i have no idea where it went to. oh wait. it's with ting. HAHA!!!
anyways!!! i'm in love with the bags i bought. HAHA!!!
i want to go back there again!!!
i shall look for a long weekend and go! see if my mum and other relatives wants to go then we all can buy in bulk. HAHA!!!
(:

you know, with this 2010, i didnt really feel like it was another new year or any celebration for that matter. i didnt feel like celebrating and it helped, or didnt help, that no one asked me out.
i dont know what difference it would make if i went out to party.
it doesnt change the fact that this year is a first without my grandaunt.
well, on the less bleak side, i was way too tired to have fun since i only had 4 hours of sleep since the start of the thailand trip every single night until thursday. didnt help at all that i had a full day of work waiting for me. so by 6pm, i went straight home and didnt want to do anything. HAHA!!!

so for this new year, i dont have any resolutions. i cant remember what are the ones that i made last year and i highly doubt that i kept any of them so i shall not do any this year. i'll just go with the flow and let things take their route. then again, having no goals is pretty bad isnt it.
there are so many things i wish i could do.
but i can only go this far for now.
one day.

i have a ton of things to do right now so i think i'll just stop here until the pictures arrive!
(:
and i should start cleaning out my wardrobe again. more clothes means more hangers and less space. HAHA!!!
till then,
loves!!!

vanessa.c

2009-12-25T10:47:00.001+08:00

i think, i like you, i really do.

vanessa.c

2009-12-23T23:55:00.002+08:00

this Christmas feels like any other, except that i'm missing someone.
i was having lunch at work when i decided to go into facebook. i saw aicheng's comment and i feel her pain.
i went to visit my aunt today after work and she was telling me about one of her days at work.
it happened to be a dreary day after getting scolded by an unruly customer. i think it was also a special day on the chinese calendar and she remembered my grandaunt and she just wanted to cry.
i saw the tears that she hid behind her smiling exterior and i wanted to tell her i miss my grandaunt so badly too.
i miss my gupo so much it feels like she was gone yesterday.
sometimes, i think i hear her.
sometimes, when i turn off the lights before heading up, i look around the places where i usually see her, hoping that maybe, somehow, she'll be there. perhaps a figment of my imagination would suffice. i keep thinking i'll see an outline of her, a white mist or something. i just want something there that tells me she was here before, that she existed.
because everything is changing and i'm so scared i'll forget her. i miss her voice so much. her sisters resemble her so greatly yet at the same time, they are so distinctly different. they have so many similarities in their character and yet i dont see my gupo in their eyes. yet again, i see her in them. its so contradicting and so baffling.

my first Christmas without the grandaunt who took care of me while i was young, who held me, who cooked for me, who knew so many things about me, who loved me.
its still so painful and i cant keep on telling myself i'll be okay when i know i'm not.
because i miss her everyday and it's not getting better.
the tears fall harder, faster, stronger.
i cant think of her and smile.
i dont handle goodbyes well.
i cant do goodbyes.

vanessa.c

2009-12-20T20:37:00.002+08:00

it has been a long time i know!
there still hasnt been much going on in my life that deserves to be mentioned other than the fact that i'm still alive. haha!

choir practice has been absolutely tiring but super fun, hearing the different sections of a real choir singing together and the concentration drove me absolutely crazy because i tend to follow the person singing beside me..
for those who know the dynamics of a choir, i'm in the alto section and i stood beside a soprano and boy was i messed up. haha!!! choir is really crazy! we practiced for less than 7 times i think! i actually thought it was going to be quite impossible to get it done but boy oh boy was i wrong! we actually sounds quite good!
(:

anyways! in this month alone, i've come to know of 4 weddings! one of which i've attended and helped to make happen!
(:
serene is now mrs choo and graham has a wife!
i think it's really scary how a single simple ceremony can make two people bound together for the rest of their lives! of course, provided that they follow through with it. at the same time, it's so heartwarming to just see two people exchanging their vows with eyes that just have a smile of their own. i just kept smiling the entire time during the ceremony.
oh i want to attend more church weddings!!!
(:

ooh! and there's one wedding next year too!!!
bridesmaid-to-be!!!
super exciting! hopefully it turns out to be all that it's supposed to be!!!

i think, mine's going to be quite simple but at the same time, a good mixture of me. a little glitz and glamour and other little things that make up a pretty wedding. haha!!!
let's find me a boyfriend before we talk about weddings. HAHA!

oh! did i tell you guys?!
i signed up for salsa dancing lessons with my buddy!
-hypersqueals-
sorry, inside joke about the hyper-squeals.
but yes, salsa lessons! how exciting is that?! i've actually thought about taking up dance lessons for a long time but i'm just afraid my back wont be able to take it. so after quite some time, i decided, what the heck, just join for once and see how it goes.
so maybe, if this salsa thing works out, i think i'll want to head towards ballroom dancing just for fun and to know the steps. i'll probably never make it on the dance floor but just as a skill, i'll want to learn! just like how some people feel that getting a driving license is a good life skill, i think ballroom dancing is a good life skill.
(:

oh oh!!! and i'll be heading to thailand over the Christmas weekend until the 30th! i dont know how it's going to be with ting coming along with us this time but i hope she'll allow me to shop like mad, which she probably already knows what she's gotten herself into when she agreed to going thailand with me. HAHA!!!
this time, i want to go to the real floating market. this time, i dont want to get cheated of of my money. haha! should be planning a bit with ting this coming wedneday since minn is still out of the country.

but boy oh boy do i want to go higher-class shopping. or it depends. see how it works out.
alrights! think i'll leave it here for now. tons of things to do for this week.
everyone loves a long weekend!!!
(:

vanessa.c

2009-12-05T22:24:00.002+08:00

i caught new moon!!!
i am in love love love..
and i'm very emotional.
extremely emotional.

i want 1 part edward and 2 parts jacob rolled into one. haha!!! there were a couple of damn cheesy parts that just made me laugh and there's the part where taylor lautner took off his shirt.. to die for..
i feel so paedophilic just talking about a younger guy. HAHA!!!
all in all, not too bad i guess? i cannot cannot CANNOT wait for eclipse to come out. HAHA!!! june june june!!! hurry come!!!

on another extremely emotional note, someone called from johor this morning, asking for her. my mum picked up the phone and when i heard her say in cantonese, "she's not here anymore, she wont be coming back, she's dead." i just wanted to cry. i could hear the pain in my mum's voice when she finally said that my grandaunt is no longer here.
things arent getting any easier.
everytime when the days get so dreary, i keep wishing that its just some mistake. i just really want to wake up and see her in her spot in the living room. i want to hear her drag her slippers when she goes out and when she comes home. i want to smell her cigarettes drifting around in the house even though i hate it so much. i want so much to bet with her if it's going to rain tonight or if it's going to be another dry day.
and i was just reminded of the silly betting when ting told me she does the same thing with her mum. i want to reminded of her, though it hurts.
i want to be reminded of her so i can remember her. i dont want to forget that she existed and i dont want to forget the things about her.
i dont like to go down to the supermarket and the coffeeshop downstairs because each time i do, i can picture her sitting there with her coffee and stick of cigarette in her hand. and everytime i have to close my eyes and look another way. i miss her so badly when things are boring, when things are good, when things are bad. because she always knows what to do or say. because she knows what i like and dislike, and she remembers my silliest habits. stuff my parents dont know until she tells them.
and again, i was reminded of it when i was telling my dad that i couldnt shit. and he told me that my grandaunt had told him about me asking for a glass of water when i was younger when i had problems trying to crap.
so many things remind me of her lately.
and it's getting to me.
its getting harder.
its painful.
i cant talk about her without crying.
i cant look at her picture without all these crazy emotions welling up.

this is supposed to get better with time.
this is supposed to be easier with time.
but it isnt.

vanessa.c

2009-11-25T23:17:00.003+08:00

all of a sudden, i miss her.
and i remember her face when she was gone.
i recall, ever so vividly, when i would never see her in the flesh again.
and i miss her badly once more.

things dont get easier. but they are supposed to arent they?
my first year without her.
my first birthday without her.
my first Christmas without her.
this year should be of memorable milestones.
not this sort of milestone, where i have to learn how to let go of someone.

i have a closer relationship with my other grandaunt and i'm afraid of losing someone again.
i am afraid when things have to end.
i am afraid when things dont have good endings and i am kept wondering, hoping, praying, crying.

why is life this way.
and i'm still trying to hold on to You because i cant find my voice to sing.

vanessa.c

2009-11-25T21:22:00.002+08:00

i was chatting online with a friend the other day about relationships and how God already has someone for us. already picked out and probably neatly packed away, waiting for right time to present him/her to us.

he told me he wasnt afraid of the waiting, but he was "afraid" of the "already has one for us" part.
me, i'm the opposite although there is the fear of not "picking" the right one.
i am absolutely, terribly, petrified of the waiting.
yet at the same time, i am waiting.
it's so contradictary isnt it?
saying how afraid i am of waiting and here i am, waiting.
i guess, a part of why i'm just waiting and not just accepting any guy that comes around, is because i believe, if i wait patiently for someone who meets the basics of what i need in a man, then he could be the one God sent. then everything else that i want will fall into place somehow.

was i wrong to have made a conscious choice, to not date people of different religion?
was i wrong to reject them and paint a terrible image of Christianity?
i'll never know will i?

he said, "you've given this matter some thought havent you."
and yes, was my answer.
i've seen relationships fail right before my eyes and of course not forgetting my own personal battle.
without a doubt, i've given all these thought.
i've thought about how i would give my life to this man, to submit myself to him, to respect him. to change the way i live, just for him, and him, for me.
i've thought of how things might end badly, how things might turn out beautifully.
i've thought about so many things and heard and learned.

i believe, my turn to love, to be loved, will come.
to experience something so extravagent, that people sing about, write about, talk about, dream about, and everything else in between.
it's only a matter of waiting isnt it.

vanessa.c

2009-11-21T22:43:00.002+08:00

i watched what happens in vegas, AGAIN!
and i am still deeply affected towards the end when jack, played by ashton kutcher, asks joy, played by cameron diaz to marry him again.
i have such a love/hate relationship with soppy love stories. i love the way things end nicely with all everything in its place. yet i hate it because it can never happen in real life, let alone me!
bahhh..
shoot me.

ooh! i finally emptied my bowels!!! i havent got the chance to do so since i started work. then again, i think i've still got a bit making its presence soon. haha!!! how random.

i think, i've got shopping urges. i need tons of money. i want money to drop from the sky. haha!!! online shopping is the best. taiwan sprees. walao. they empty my wallets pretty fast. but i do get quite a handful of clothes in return though. haha!!! so unlike singapore. one piece of cloth and 60bucks is emptied. at least 60bucks can get me a couple of clothes! haha!
i've actually been buying quite a bit! taiwan sprees, online shops. but the best buy i've gotten is from minn's blog. which is the tag she wrote about.
THE JACKET.. IS DA BOOMZ. haha!!!
but honestly, it's damn cool. i've since been wearing it at work and back home. i think i look mighty stuck up with it. HAHA!!! okay, maybe stuck up is a bad word to use. a more appropriate word would be...
hmm..
high class. HAHA!!
it looks pretty much like a trenchcoat except its length is as per normal jackets, until the hips. i'd post a picture of the way i wear it but no one's taken any pictures of me wearing it and i'm not going to ask my mum to take one for me because she's quite bad at taking pictures. HAHA!!! but honestly, its such a deal at 18bucks. well, because i am a member. HAHA!!! i think the actual cost is 21 or something.
but for the record, agneselle is terrible.
i requested for a dress in white and they sent one in champagne. i dont mind the fact that i'm probably going to get it altered into a skirt, but i mind the fact that they didnt bother to make sure that they had the right order. i'm not going to complain to them because it's going to waste my time in sending my order back or even worse, not even get a reply or get nothing back. so i'm going to let this slide. but just a word of caution. haha!!!

oh! on a side note, anyone knows anything about flea markets?! i want to sell some of my unused clothes and my mum wants to sell her handmade jewellery! so if anyone knows, please please tell me!!! i could use some extra income at that too. HAHA!!!

anyways! got a bridal shower to attend to tomorrow so i think i got to go decide what to wear. its some really weird theme to play along with since my clothes are all so plain and thought-through when i buy them. i cant do mis-matched attire!
bahh...

for my bridal shower if i do have one, i'd make mine floral theme. because i can never get enough of flowers. HAHA!!! but i think i like caberet too! sexy and seductive and oh-so classy-ish. then again, if i do that, i dont think many of my friends will turn up. haha!

anyways, i think i got to go for now. i still havent decided what to wear and it's killing me,

oh! did i mention how obsessive compulsive i was? bird and i were having lunch at a japanese restaurant and i went to adjust her plate just because it wasnt in the right direction i felt it was supposed to be. haha!!! at least this is good ocd right? like, being neat and orderly. HAHA!!!

alrights, i really got to go find an outfit. bahh.

if only i had the lyrics to this beautiful song, i would type it out here, but i dont.
but here's the singer and his song!
please go look him up because this song is on replay on my ipod and itunes.

darren flowers - falling hard

vanessa.c

2009-11-17T21:13:00.002+08:00

in vanessa's world,

1. trains and buses will look something like this:
old people seated
pregnant women seated
children seated
ladies seated
able men standing

2. everyone smells like they just came out of a shower

actually, i have a very long list.
but i'm so tired i cant be bothered to think.
then again! i have to say that the train trip home today wasnt that bad! there was this group of super tall guys who came in and one of them stood beside me. strangely, his entire bunch of friends just didnt stop talking and he was really quiet. i'm pretty sure if you hung out with a bunch of friends who were noisy, you'd naturally be noisy too. but he was utterly, fascinatingly quiet. he kept looking down as if to check if he was going to step on my toes. i wasnt feeling so tired, i definitely would have looked up at him. i never got a good look at his face but i'm quite sure someone this nice would look pretty good too.
it's all in the heart!
(:

anyways! i got to go and bathe and plop to bed!!!
i'll blog more when i have something to say and when there are more interesting things happening. haha!!! super tired!

vanessa.c

2009-11-10T22:06:00.003+08:00

ohman ohman ohman!!!
a week has gone by and it's my second week at work.
things are less crazy as compared to the last and i think i'm adjusting quite okay. haha! the people arent as bad because some of them will talk to me and the other new girl whose name is belinda.
she reminds me terribly of my cousin audrey. the way they talk and the things they talk. the actions and stuff. it's so similar its quite scary. HAHA!!

anyways!!!
HAPPY BELATED 20TH MY DEAREST FRANCES!!!
(:
thank goodness i remembered her birthday at night. the entire day i was writing 9th november on my work and it only dawned on me when i sat down in front of the computer last night. HAHA!!! phew!
after which i got an sms from xiaolong saying
"today is frances' birthday."
HAHA!!! i dont feel THAT much guilty already.

meeting a couple of the poly classmates this saturday save for shuwei because she's got to mug for her papers this coming week and the next. poor girl. she's the only one in our class to be in university i just realised. HAHA!!! mostly guys and frances is in the police academy and huifen is working too. oh. karen's studying too i think! i only get random sms-es from her about some insurance promotion of some sort i think. cant really remember.

anyways! i think i should leave it here for now and admire my messy room. oh how i miss the slacking life.

i fight dragons
with you

you say,
look outside
rain is pouring down
let's stay and hide

i say
what the hell
we've got things to do
but we might as well
stay and rebel

maybe we will be everything we say
maybe all that we dream will fade to gray
either way, I will stay
with you

they say,
pay your bills
earn your daily bread
take all your pills.

we say,
look around
at the heart of things
share what you've found
stand your ground.

maybe we will be everything we say
maybe all that we dream will fade to gray
either way, I will stay
with you

maybe we will be everything we say
maybe all that we dream will fade to gray
either way, I will stay
with you

you stand so close and i can feel your radiating heat on the coldness of my skin.
the smell of day lingers around you as the train rumbles on.
i see your chest heave up and down with each deep breath you take.
i could imagine us under a sky of clouds passing by with the ruffling sounds of dried leaves, as i lay my head to rest on your arms.

all this from a train ride back home from work. pst. the guy was pretty good looking too!
(:
vanessa.c

2009-11-02T23:43:00.001+08:00

i am about half dead for today.
at least i have one new friend to lunch with for these 2 weeks.
super load of brain-stress!!!

vanessa.c

2009-11-01T22:41:00.002+08:00

i know you guys havent seen my new hair cut so here is the best shot of it!

ta-da!

bestest shot EVER!!!

i actually am in love with this picture. but boy do i look so fair. haha!!! swimming on saturdays then! then again, i always get too lazy to wake my sorry big butt up. so we'll see how that goes. haha!!!

the last day at work was quite fun because wilson made me clean up the storage boxes and at the last minute, clean his out. i was immensely tickled by the amount of stickers that he collected throughout his entire time at work. he has spongebob, doraemon, winnie the pooh and others that i have no clue to. a whole stack of cds, 2 hello kitty toothbrushes, and erm. 2 bags i think. it's super fun to see his entire box of crap look so neat! it brings such a weird thrill. haha!!! i think i should look into arranging things as a professional job. haha!!!

today, met a couple of primary school friends out for lunch at angmokio hub. so the few who turned up were jiunyuen, junyi, shiwei, simin and shaowei. we had such a blast at newyork newyork. talking about all sorts of things that should remain between the 6 of us. HAHA!!! it really was such fun.

alrights! i think i better go get ready for work tomorrow! wish me luck!

loves

vanessa.c

2009-10-29T23:35:00.004+08:00

i feel the wind blowing really strongly from my right side and i think the cold weather's coming!!! boy oh boy do i love the cold weather! i hope it honestly becomes chilly so i get to wear my long sleeved clothes out. YAY YAY! OOH!!! and my esprit coat that has been hanging out in my wardrobe for like.. YEARS. literally, years. it's super comfortable and snug..
i'm just smiling thinking about it. HAHA!!

anyways! work at creativebits has been pretty okay today. wilson and angela both got a shock when they saw my short haircut. OOH! i havent posted any pictures of my new hair cut here! anyone interested to see?! haha!!!

and as usual, wilson disturbed me. haha! and i realised there were 2 missing guys.
steve and kelvin. these 2 really were like fatherly figures when i was working back then. kelvin was all about "living to eat and not eating to live. you must enjoy life!"
and steve was all jokes and talks quite often about his army wife. or was it the marines. either one. haha! super cool.

alrights. i think there's nothing much for now. if i'm not half dead tomorrow, i'll blog about what minn and i were chatting about for around 2mins. haha!!!
loves!!!

vanessa.c

2009-10-28T21:27:00.002+08:00

ah today has been a little crazy.
but! i've gotten a job!
(:
the pay's not too bad i'd reckon, and its quite near the train station as well as easy for me to get a seat on the bus home. HAHA!!! that, would be one of the best things ever!!!
starting work on monday too! so i've got these few days to relax before i officially start work.
oh! no no no... i've got work tomorrow too.
going back to creativebits to do an extremely temporary job until saturday. haha!!! i wonder how they'll all look like when i go back to see them. boy oh boy is it going to be weirdly interesting. HAHA!!!
i remember wilson and all his "babe" calling. yes, he calls me babe. its weird to say the least, yet at the same time, annoying endearing. haha!!!
and he's 10 years my senior.
not that i have a major issue with older men (although i do have one with younger boys).

you know, i hear people say that the person they love often resembles their parent. boyfriend carrying some trait of her father and vice versa.
and i think i know why.
let's take me for example.
i want my future husband to be able fix the spoilt sink, to make me a really nice french toast on weekends, to listen to me talk and go on and on about something really stupid, to let me mess up his hair for no reason. i want my future husband to be able to make me laugh, allow me to buy clothes for him and trust my taste in clothes and allow me to arrange the furniture in the house.
there are a whole lot more things that i wish my future husband would do. and i know all these are things that my father and brother do.
i think, it's just having that familiarity around i guess.
(:

oh boy i wish my future husband could play the guitar too. HAHA!!! or piano? or sing? or drums? oh how sexy that would be. HAHA!!!

ah i must be mad.

"maybe if you're attached to someone else alr... it might not be so much difficult for me to leave as well... haha."
"at least i would know you're taken care of while i'm gone... haha. amid other reasons... haha"
"well... i hope you're still single after i return... hahaha"

how do i respond to that? not that i like this person or anything but it's really nice to know someone cares aye? but this reminds of someone.
eww eww eww!!!
not nice.
then again, there are guys whose words and actions remind me often of hongtat. it's crazy. yuck yuck!
i shall be extremely sure that my future husband will have his own unique traits that i always remember as his own and no one else!
-smirks-
(:

anyways! i've got a long day ahead tomorrow and i havent reallty figured out how to get to work. HAHA!!! hopefully wilson will be nice if i meet him. haha!
i actually remember the last few weeks at work when he was really nice, remembering my birthday and treating me to yakun for breakfast, asking me if i wanted to go lunch, and pulling the swivel chair really close and talking extremely close to my face. it was a total invasion of my comfort zone. haha! but he's too funny to be mad at him. HAHA!
ALRIGHT! i think i shall go off already and here's a pop oldie before i go!

the corrs
all the love in the world

i'm not looking for someone to talk to
i've got my friend, i'm more than ok
i've got more than a girl could wish for
i live my dreams but its not all they say
still i believe
i'm missing
i'm missing something real
i need someone who really sees me

dont wanna wake up
dont wanna wake up alone anymore
still believing you'll walk through my door
all i need is to know its for sure
then i'll give all the love in the world

i've often wondered if love's an illusion
just to get you through the loneliest days
i cant criticize it
i have no hestitation
my imagination just stole me away
still
still i believe
i'm missing
i'm missing something real
i need someone who really sees me

dont wanna wake
dont wanna wake up alone anymore
still believing you'll walk through my door
all i need is to know its for sure
then i'll give all the love in the world

love's for a lifetime not for a moment
so how could i throw it away
yeah i'm only human
and nights grow colder
with no one to love me that way
yeah i need someone who really sees me

dont wanna wake
and i wont wake up alone anymore
still believing you'll walk through my door
you'll reach for me and i'll know it's for sure
then i'll give all the love in the world
dont wanna wake up alone anymore

vanessa.c

2009-10-27T22:31:00.002+08:00

shaowei and i talked about love the other day.
about his relationships and my relationships. (not that i have many to speak of)
though he was the one doing most of the talking and boy did he talk, something else was going on in my head.
my head was full of ideas and of people.
sweet gifts for the special person, of people i love.
i havent talked about love in a long time because nothing's coming my way and i dont resent that fact. there are definitely days when i think i'm going to die an old woman all alone in a yellowing apartment with tons of little memorabilias of things everywhere, with labels on boxes, everything quite neatly kept away.
yet there are times when i can imagine a life full of love and a white house with tons of colourful furnitures.

i can still remember things from the past, but i know i'm over it.
i dont long to see someone, neither do i want to not see him.
i just want him to see me now, knowing that i am better off without him.
i am more carefree, not having to worry about when his next pms is going to erupt.
and for that, i am a better person.

we are all waiting for a special someone to come sweep us off our feet, to hold our hands, tuck the hair behind our ears and all that mushy stuff.
some of us find that person, some of us never do.

vanessa.c

2009-10-26T15:00:00.002+08:00

last night, for some reason, i thought of my grandaunt.
you know, i realised, i'd rather not know when my time is up and when i leave, i know some people will hurt and miss me.
i feel the pain of those who are given a time frame. to know there are things that needs to be done, to know that you only have this much time left. the anticipation of "just one more day" just makes living so hard.
i am at a lost of words as i wrote "just one more day". i dont know how to carry on talking about this because there is really nothing to say. nothing to say, describe, the pain and sorrow of losing a loved one.
to try to live life like it hasnt changed, to go home everyday and all you see is that same spot where that person would usually dominate, empty and cold.
sometimes at night, especially when the time of the month is here, i think i feel her around. i think i hear her flipping the newspapers, snoring. i can imagine her sleeping in front of the television snoring away, with her feet propped up on the leg rest.

i think i should stop.

vanessa.c

2009-10-24T12:19:00.003+08:00

i am in love with mr sexyback.
birdie birdie. we MUST go back!!!

vanessa.c

2009-10-22T22:25:00.004+08:00

i just baked today with ting because the cream cheese was going to expire.

HAHA!!!

yep! i think they taste okay but could do with more cheese. the base was totally off because we were too lazy to go down to the supermarket to get digestive biscuits.

have you felt the weather?!!!

so yes, we simply used butter biscuits!

i think we definitely could have done better if we had estimated the amount of cheese there was and used lesser souffle cups. HAHA!!!

but i was thinking.. maybe i should really take up jane's idea and try baking and selling them. but i have no idea where it starts. any ideas? any one?

anyways! we baked something else but it came out terribly different. but it tasted like waffles somehow! pretty cool i'd say. but i dont get how some cookies can stay crisp for long. is there a certain method that makes things that way?!

oh hello there smiley! thanks for a smile too! my tagboard has been quite dead. haha!

alrights, i think i shall stop here! i've got quite a bit of things on my mind and boy am i sticky!!!

loves!!!

vanessa.c

2009-10-21T14:09:00.003+08:00

suddenly, i feel like experimenting with apples and pasta.
actually, its tilted to the laziness of going downstairs to get boring kway teow soup. HAHA!!!

no idea how it's going to be cooked or how it's going to look like but i think i'll just try for fun. plain apples and pasta. gah! hopefully it doesnt look and taste like crap!

and my goodness. have you felt the weather?!!! it's always in the 30plus range! oh shoot me. even with the rain. can you imagine? i wish we have cool weather all year round. and maybe a slight winter feeling too. i just love the idea of being all warm and cozy inside a jacket or coat. HAHA!!!

alrights! i think i shall go try and make something out of apples and pasta. HAHA!!!
loves!
oh! and here's a singer i found online that i am absolutely adoring. if you're not into jazz, i suggest you not listen because this screams jazz!!!

melody gardot
baby i'm a fool

how was i to know that this was always only just a little game to you
all the time i felt you gave your heart i thought that i would do the same for you
to tell the truth i think i should have seen it coming from a mile away
when the words you say are
"baby i'm a fool who thinks it's cool to fall in love"

if i gave a thought to fascination i would know it wasnt right to care
logic doesnt seem to mind that i am fascinated by the love affair
still my heart would benefit from a little tenderness from time to time
but never mind

cause baby i'm a fool who thinks its cool to fall in love

baby i should hold on just a moment and be sure its not for vanity
look me in the eye and tell me love is never based upon insanity
hear the way my heart is beating every other moment's fleeting

kiss me now
dont ask me how

cause baby i'm a fool who thinks its cool to fall
baby i'm a fool who thinks its cool to fall
and i would never tell if you became a fool and fell in love

vanessa.c

2009-10-18T20:19:00.004+08:00

ah alas. i see my blog is practically dead. haha!!!
anyways, the answer is quite obvious actually. if you look at the picture that's posted previously, you'll notice i'm holding its erm. sensitive part. HAHA!!!

so so..
yesterday, saturday, 17th october, was an absolutely crazy day.
my brother's birthday!
preparations began a week ago when i decided to surprise him by asking his friends over to our house for a mini celebration. but his friends had other things planned and they decided to surprise him at home before heading out for lunch.
somehow, shawn saw that coming but it still was a mini surprise that didnt exactly happen the way i envisioned it.
after his lunch, i brought him out shopping for a pair of shoes and chinos.
managed to find the loafers from pedro and it happened to be the display pair. last piece. gah! we decided not to get it on the spot and went to citylink to check out the other pedro store. turns out, it's really the last piece at ion. so i told him i'll get it tomorrow (sunday) for him. we went to mandarin oriental where i planned the second surprise. i contacted his buddy, matthew, and asked him to bring shawn for dinner and i'll pay. so matthew choose the place and kept insisting that he'd pay for dinner and get shawn a present. so i caved in and let him.
the cool thing is, shawn didnt see this coming at all. nope. not the singlest tiniest bit!
-smirks-
i told him that i made a reservation under my dad's credit card number and if we cancelled the reservation, we'd have to pay a cancellation fee of $50. shawn totally fell for it!
so when we reached the entrance of mandarin, matthew walked up and said "happy birthday!". my brother thought it was purely coincidental and he stood there talking for less than 5 seconds before i said, "shawn, do you get it? do you get it?"
he looked at me for a split second and went, "OOH! i get it i get it."
I WAS SO HAPPY because my brother was HAPPY!!!
(:
so i left them there, with shawn shaking his finger at me.
(:
after which, i decided to go back to ion and get the shoe. which is the 3rd surprise. but it isnt much of a surprise already isnt it? oh wells. haha!!!
after getting the shoe, went straight down to kallang leisure park to celebrate jiunyuen's 21st. met karen, my secondary school classmate and we chatted a little.. she's changed so much since then! super girly now, probably more girly than i am. haha!!!
took a couple of pictures then sat awhile more. made fun of shiwei and junyi and talked a whole lot of nonsense about a certain someone and then i had to head home.

i know it doesnt seem like much but it really is a whole lot!!! i was dead tired by the time i came home that i slept almost immediately.
(:

can something nice and interesting happen to me so i can have things to blog about?

you know, i was chatting with minn online sometime ago and we were talking about guys.
and she said something that i thought about a long time ago. i cant recall exactly what she said though. darn.
you know, somehow, i wonder if i'll just end up alone. i think, i'd rather die young than grow old alone.
eee.. the future.

anyways!!! a song i've been really into!!!

laura jansen
single girls

i think you'd like my new hair
i cut it when you weren't there
that pieces of us eveywhere
were falling down

my bed is now a girl's bed
pink flowers under my head
and pillows on your side instead
of you

'cause that's what single girls so
dont think about you

i'm reading books on meditation
praying for my heart's salvation
i've got the motivation
to be a free girl now

i've gone drinking with the guy down the hall
put up a new colour on my bare walls
i'm so damn busy
after all

'cause that's what single girls do
dont think about you

i keep trying
i keep trying
to make my way back to the light where i belong
but God keeps lying
God keeps lying
saying this is for the best and nothing here is wrong

but i'm still thinking bout
i'm still thinking bout
i'm still thinking about you
still think about you

i think you'd like my new hair
i cut it like i didnt care
that pieces of me everywhere
were falling down

one more glass of wine
before i turn off the lights
this time
this time i'll be fine
i'll be fine
i'll be fine

vanessa.c

2009-10-15T23:06:00.002+08:00

hello people!
just for fun, why is he shouting?!
inspired by shawn!
got it? got it? any clue?! send in your replies!!!
(:

anyways, went for an interview at canon today, hopefully i'll get the job because it looks so cool and i love data entry jobs. i like the idea of typing and the whole thing about dressing up. HAHA!!! maybe i'll learn to put on make up in this process! funky stuff eh?
alrights, busy weekend for me and 2 birthdays!
my twin cousins and my brother.
as well as stephanie, yiling, yuanzhi.
and jiunyuen's birthday party.
DONT WE ALL LOVE OCTOBER?!!!

vanessa.c

2009-10-10T23:35:00.002+08:00

i've been reading postsecret for quite some time already. the thing that always gets me are the postcards about losing someone, loving someone, missing someone and thinking of someone. mostly, about love. i read them, get emotional, and it just reminds me of so many things.
the past few weeks, prior to my birthday celebration on saturday and including this week, my late grandaunt has been on my mind every single day.
you'd expect that things are better and that i'll just smile when i am reminded of her. yet, it doesnt happen. once she's in my mind, i find myself wishing so badly she's back here with me. i remember the way she looked when i found her, the day when the casket was incinerated. i remember everything so vividly i cannot help but cry.
my mum warned me the day before, it would be something that i'll never forget. i never really knew how badly it would be etched at the front of my mind, of the pain in my heart. why does death happen. why cant everyone live their lives forever, staying the way they are, at their best, forever. forever in their prime, never to fade. no need for new population, no need for advanced technology.
i just never knew and never expected something like this, to always be on my mind. i promised my aunt a span of 6 months to grieve. but it's nearly the end of the 5th and here i am, remembering everything about her. i am reminded of the sounds of her slippers when she's walking along the corridor, the words she'd use when she's angry, the way she'd laugh, and the way she looks. i cant bring myself to let go somehow i think. i dont know why i cant let it come to terms. i dont know what's keeping me from finding peace.
i miss her so badly.
i should have been there when she was leaving, when she needed help.
i should have done so many things but i didnt.
and this is probably the price i'm paying.

i just wish, she was here you know.
to make everything normal again.

vanessa.c

2009-10-10T11:35:00.002+08:00

i'll probably just upload one picture for now cause it's going to take me forever to upload all the pictures i took. haha!!!

so here's a picture of the cousins! obviously a handful of them didnt turn up! made me sad. oh wells!

anyways, nothing much has happened. nothing interesting that is. other than the fact that i've cut my hair!!! it's honestly very short, the shortest i've ever been in my entire life, past the baby stage. haha!!! but i feel quite empowered by it somehow. HAHA!!! i feel very, hmm. i cant find the word to describe it actually. it's almost like and ego-boost or something. more daring.. quite exciting really.

now that i've stopped working at the before and after school care in church, i have an entire week to get things done at home before i start work again and spend more time with my mum. i'll miss the kids terribly because i've grown attached to them. it's really bad when you grow these bonds with the kids cause, i dont know why, but i have this need to want to protect them. it's not like some motherly instinct, dont get me wrong. it's like, a big sister sort of thing you know. and no, i dont want to be a big sister to so many of them because after awhile, i dont want to let go. dont worry, i'm not a paedophile! gosh no. that's just gross.

actually, i havent got much to talk about. it's so weird having nothing to talk about when there are so many things running around in my head. well, one day at a time aye? and talking about that! the future, is honestly, a scary thing to think about. i havent really given it much thought but if i dont get into the teaching profession, what would i do? i think it's time to go sit in a corner and mull about it. haha!!!

vanessa.c

2009-10-10T02:35:00.001+08:00

AHH!!!
i know i'm supposed to be back with pictures but i've been so caught up in things and being sick and sleeping alot that i've nearly forgotten about my blog. HAHA!!!
anyways! it's 0240 on a saturday morning so i think i'll try my best to blog within this week perhaps?!
oh gosh, i'm terribly sorry my dear readers!!!

sweetest dreams!

vanessa.c

2009-09-30T12:08:00.002+08:00

it's been half a month since i last blogged!
much has happened in between but nothing major to take note of.
oh!
and it's justin's birthday today!
(:
yes obviously i wished him today.

i havent completely finished cleaning out my house for saturday's celebration and it's going to drive me nuts since my period decided to come yesterday!
doesnt help that i tend to not want to move around when it arrives. so you'll pretty much see me sitting quite still in a place. HAHA!!!
anyways!
i think we can all look forward to pictures after this saturday!
i''m thinking how my house is going to squeeze nearly 50 people!
poor house. HAHA! got to rearrange the furniture for this night i think!

GIMME GIMME GIMME MORE
- space
- time

alrights! got to go for now! lets wait for pictures soon!
(:

vanessa.c

2009-09-15T01:52:00.002+08:00

i am a happy girl because

1. i've got an ikea card to my name!!!
2. i've got the 70cents ikea bag that i've been craving
3. i've got the ikea sweet shrimps
4. i've got ikea shelves
5. i've got ikea storage in my storeroom
6. i've cleaned out the storeroom with dad last night until 0100!

next on my list!

- clean out the kitchen shelves
- clean out my room
- fill the shelves with books
- get ready for a party

yes i am a easily satisfied lady. quite easily. not a 7k bag, a 70cent bag. HAHA!!!
anyways! busy busy bee i shall be!
will try to blog more often when i can!
woohoo!!!

vanessa.c

2009-09-09T22:11:00.000+08:00

today is a very good day.
(:
went to jurong bird park and i saw tons of birds, kids, tourists, cute guys.
HAHA!!!
yes i mentioned cute guys.
but there was this guy that stood out because he was smiling and looking at me. HAHA!!! yes i noticed him because i thought he looked kind of cute!
we first met after we entered the entrance where he was holding a pair of lovebirds. the kids were asking him questions about the birds and when we were leaving, i made the kids say thank you to him for asking their silly questions. and i said thank you and smiled.
after a short walk and a short train ride, we alighted and walked to the amphitheatre for the show. after the show, we had lunch and that's where we met again. and then walked a little more before looking at owls. then, we went for the second show for kids. some drawing parrots show where i saw him again! everytime we meet, we'll smile. the parrot show was something that made me smile the entire day today.
he was walking down the steps and from the corner of my eyes, i noticed him looking at me. i was way~ too shy to look over cause he kept smiling so sweetly!!! and towards the ending of the show, he had to sit in front to make sure the gates to the stage were opened and he kept turning back when he could.
can we all agree and say
"AWW..."
i dont think he's the conventional goodlooking guy yet at the same time, i think he looks really nice.. he has nice eyes, nice smile and one of the most gorgeous hair. when he walks, the hair. ohmyword. it flows with the wind. and he's the clean cut sort of guy and it totally sucks me in.
doesnt help that he looks so nice in his khaki uniform!
-makes goggly eyes-
HAHA!!!
yes i have his face imprinted in my mind.
it's really so nice after all these crap! woohoo!
how often do you get a guy who just keeps wanting to get your attention and when he does, he doesnt stop smiling?
then again, he could just be thinking
"such a young mother."
and just be really nice.
still.. i think he likes me! cause.. i like him too! HAHA!!!
throughout the entire trip. 3 girls were sticking to me. and a boy justin. HAHA!!!
the girls kept going "vanessa jiejie i parter you!" and kept grabbing my hand. HAHA!!! arent they the cutest stuff?!
and justin. that dear justin. i made him sit in front of me during a pelican feeding show. during the show, he suddenly turned around with his chocolate stick and asked me
"are you married?"
HAHA!!! i showed him my fingers and said there arent any rings and then asked him,
"why? do you want to marry me?"
HAHA!!! he blushed, shrugged and turned in front. HAHA!!!
HOW CUTE IS THAT REALLY?!!
if you recall, this is the second boy who has asked me if i was married. first was a p2, nigel. now justin, p1. HAHA! such cute stuff.
(:

anyways!
on an ending note, "big" justin and i didnt meet last week.
and! i felt so weird calling small justin, justin. HAHA!!!

alrights! more soon when i go to work tomorrow! oh kids.. HAHA!!!
(:
loves!!!

vanessa.c

2009-09-05T16:13:00.000+08:00

i'm so motivated to clear my room!
but!
of all things really...
i dont know where to start and what to throw.
actually, i think its more of i can bear to throw.
GAH!

and. i must get a new shelf for the living room where the entire family can fill it with their silly things such as books and games and decorations, in a bid to make our rooms look less messy.

BA HAHA!!!

vanessa.c

2009-09-02T22:20:00.002+08:00

You catch me when i fall
You hear me when no one does
You've touched my heart over and over
and i will never let You go
for You are my strength that keeps me going on,
that keeps me holding on.
Jesus You alone are my strong tower

vanessa.c

2009-09-01T19:52:00.000+08:00

i needed comfort and He is here.

to everyone who's hurting
to all those who've had enough
to all the undeserving
that should cover all of us
please do not let go
i promise there is hope

hold fast
help is on the way
hold fast
He's come to save the day
what i've learned in my life
one thing greater than my strife
is His grasp
so hold fast

will this season ever pass
can we stop this ride
will we see the sun at last
or could this be our lot in life
please do not let go
i promise you there's hope

hold fast
help is on the way
hold fast
He's come to save the day
what i've learned in my life
one thing greater than my strife
is His grasp
so hold fast

you may think you're all alone
and there's no way that anyone could know
what you're going through
but if you only hear one thing
just understand that we are all the same
searching for the truth
the truth of what we're soon to face
unless someone comes to take our place
is there anyone
all we want is to be free
free from our captivity Lord
here He comes

hold fast
help is on the way
hold fast
He's come to save the day
what i've learned in my life
one thing greater than my strife
is His grasp
so hold fast

this will probably sound so weird but, i heard a voice this afternoon as my dad walked up the stairs. i heard a male voice. yet, i felt this peace. it's so weird because it sounded so familiar yet i've never heard it before.

vanessa.c

2009-08-31T22:12:00.007+08:00

i'm really tired.
mentally worn out.
suddenly, there's so much anger, resentment and rage.
i just need to avoid that irritating old woman who's stretching my limits so far i think i'm about to split.
why my mum's always shielding her i have no idea.
i stayed home a little longer on sunday because i needed to change and wash the bedsheets and every other thing in between. didnt help that it rained! how is my mum to bathe when she complains its so cold even when the weather's warm, what more on a cold rainy day?
and that sickening woman just had to talk in cantonese, like i dont understand, like i wasnt right beside her and say"
"she should come earlier."
and when my aunt said because it was raining, the sickening person had to say
"why? rain cannot bathe ah."
F F F F F F F
i'm so pissed i cant just be nice.
because its so hard to forgive when she thinks i'm some spoilt child who "sleeps like a dead pig." you say it once and i can say i forgive. second time? i'm sorry but i dont think i can give her the respect she should receive.
it certainly didnt help that my mum didnt even bother standing up for me.
she was the one who agreed to bathe in the evening after dinner but she wanted to rest. so whose bloody fault is it?
why not that sickening woman come over to my house to wash my mum's underwear, take out the bedsheets, change the bedsheets and wash them and then hang them out to dry then also to wash my shoes. then, i go over and bathe my mum.
how about that?!
would work fine wont it?

dammit.
i was so pissed i didnt even bother saying my goodbyes to the both of them.

all my life, all i wanted was for my mum to stand up for me. to tell the people who say nasty things about me to shut the shit up. but on three specific occasions that broke my heart, she didnt.
i find it so hard to forget, to forgive.
whether those people meant what they said or not, i dont care. as long as she doesnt stand up for me, its her fault.
to make a child feel like shit, to know her mum allowed someone else to say her daughter was picked up from a rubbish bin is never right.
to say that she could pretend that she never had this daughter is never right.
to allow someone else call her daughter a dead pig is never right.
who is that sickening woman to call me that when i never slept well for 2 weeks, spending every waking moment at the hospital and coming home to do laundry and trying to make sure everything's in its place.
i'm only 20 going on 21.
i've never been a mum, i've never had so much responsibility, to do so much at such a sudden moment. dont you think i've already done so a lot, to stretch myself this far?
why cant my mum take that stand for me? to tell that piece of crap that i've already done so much? is it not good enough for her? that i havent done enough?

i feel like i'm carrying so much on my shoulders. i know Jesus is always here but i need so much cause i feel so much.
i want someone to tell me that i've done the best that i can and that i'm going to be okay.
i need someone to tell me that my mum was wrong in not standing up for me and they will.
because i have so many things in my head i think i could die.
i couldnt take it this afternoon and just as i lay down to rest, i broke.
i broke and cried out to God.
i missed my grandaunt and wish she was here. i know she'll do a much better job that the sickening woman. i know i'll still be able to take much more when she's taking care of my mum and i know i'll still be able to lead a more normal 20 year old life. i know that she wont blame me for resting more. i know i wont be blame for doing the laundry first then bathing my mum.
how is 10pm late really? how can bathing at 10pm be so late?
i feel so tired.
i feel so worn out.
i feel like i'm about to break.
i feel like i'm about to die.
i feel so much yet i dont know what are the right words to say to make things alright.
if only someone would tell my mum cause i cant say it right when i'm always so emotional when it comes to shit like these..

vanessa.c

2009-08-28T12:44:00.002+08:00

so, we didnt meet for movies after all.

but i found out this week, that i have a pretty smart baby cousin!
she so cute, i cant stand it!
she has an eeyore and calls it "my ah ah"
HAHA!!! how cute can that get?!
and and!!! she cant part with it! so everytime it goes missing, she starts going, "my ah ah! my ah ah!"
ohman ohman ohman!
her favourite phrases i found out, are...

1. my ah ah, small ah ah, big ah ah
(all refering to eeyore)
2. scared fan
3. no, no.
4. mama carry

HAHA!!!
super cute!!!
i hope she comes over to my grandaunt's place more often!!! such cute stuff!

anyways! i think i got to go already!
tons of laundry to do!
i shall go bake too!
WOOHOO

vanessa.c

2009-08-25T15:37:00.000+08:00

my blogger is weird right now so this post will be super short!

hello stranger!
roses are red
violets are you
i hope you're nice
and very fine too!

maybe you'd like to complete that?
(:

anyways! wont be coming home to sleep tonight because my mum's going for her physiotherapy tomorrow.
work has been pretty good so far, with cute primary ones & twos running around and making me scream my head off. haha!

mum's doing pretty well too, save for the pain in her chest and ribs every once in awhile. hopefully she'll heal fast! and and! she doesnt have stitches! so her scar's so nice and simple.
she's graduated from sitting on the hard stiff chairs to the sofa really quickly. i think i took around 1.5 months! and she's not even close to a month yet. can you imagine that! she left the hospital earlier than me too! she's really superwoman. HAHA!
and i've been really nice too, bathing her since after her operation. actually, the first time she bathed after the operation, the nurses did it for her. then from the second time onwards, i did the bathing and bringing her to the toilet and all.
before you go and say how filial i am, i think it really is out of gratitude for my mum, as well as a responsibility.
(:
anyways! i got to go already!

pst!
meeting justin for a movie this thursday!
and weirdly enough, we're watching the proposal. HAHA! ting says it's going to be an interesting day while bird says it's weird too. HAHA!!!
(:
and! meeting shuwei (hopefully) this saturday to catch up!
i cant wait to see her after so long.

on an ending note! i've unlimited text messaging!
WOOHOO TO THAT!
long live free sms!!!
loves!

vanessa.c

2009-08-23T01:46:00.002+08:00

it's nearly 0200 and i'm still awake.
someone appeared in my dreams the other night and the next day, i see something that reminds me of that particular person. coincidence? could be.
i havent thought of this person in a very long time actually, which makes this so much more intriuging.
either way, i'll get down to replies to tags soon when i have more time on the computer!

oh! i dropped my laptop at my grandaunt's place! so its dead and i now have a desktop. haha! so do bear with me as i find time in between taking care of my mum and working at my church's before & after school care and trying to fit friends in my hectic schedule.
loves!!!

vanessa.c

2009-08-11T23:29:00.002+08:00

i feel like i'm deprived of human contact.. i havent had good proper contact with friends in about a week or so. ohyes. a week. other than the only visit from ting who lives really near me.
in case you're wondering, i'm doing okay, other than the fact that i'm going to go insane from boredom.
in case you guys dont already know, i'm living with another grandaunt. (i have 3, including the one i lost recently) the house is so sparse and there's pretty much nothing for me to do other than bring my mum to and fro the toilet and walking around the living room and back to the bedroom and helping her up and down the bed.
i'm pretty much a full-time maid, without having to clean the house and cook. and yes i'm very tired.

overall, the operation was a huge success according to the associate professor's assistant. my mum requested to go home early and we came to my grandaunt's house last wednesday. or was it thursday? either one. i havent had a real night's sleep since last thursday when my mum was warded. i've been waking up in the middle of the night to help her do this and that and i think i'm going bonkers. of course i love her and i'm willing to do things for her, but i dont think i can go on much longer man!!!
phew.

throughout this entire time, i've found God again. everyday i do. taking a cab in the morning, to answered prayers almost immediately and stuff.
i'll probably elaborate on that really soon, when i have the time to.

either way, i'm going off already, it's nearly 0000hrs and i'm going to try to get all the sleep i can, when i can. i have a feeling, my period's coming soon too.
oh darn.

vanessa.c

2009-07-31T00:10:00.002+08:00

went to the hospital with my mum and auntie lily for her admission.
the entire day was okay until i had to leave her.
i controlled my emotions all the way until i reached my room.
even with my dad at home, i felt so lonely.
i miss my grandaunt,
i miss my mum,
i miss shawn.

i opened my windows, set my bag down and everything came out.
out of nowhere, the tears just poured.
didnt help that my mum asked if i missed her.
i replied telling her that i missed her and my heart pained.
she didnt reply me and i think i made a mistake of saying i missed her, grandaunt and shawn.
soon after, she called and once i heard her voice, i totally lost it.
):

i miss my mum so much already when she's only gone for a day. what am i going to do for the next week?!
):
i want her home now. i dont want her to go for the operation.
because i am selfish that way.

vanessa.c

2009-07-28T23:52:00.005+08:00

i made something today!

i call it...

"holey moley chawanmushi!"

HAHA!!!

cute stuff isnt it? i followed the directions on the website and my egg still wasnt smooth. after i mms-ed the pictures to shuwei, she made me realise that i had forgotten to strain the eggs before i poured it into the cup.

dammit!

but at least the chawanmushi tastes so freaking good!!! no need for soy sauce at all! i rock so hard i am scared of myself. HAHA!!!

and here's another picture!

i just saw it while i was cleaning up my harddisk. in case you guys cant read the words, it says

"set me free, leave me be

i dont want to fall another moment into your gravity

sara bareilles - gravity"

its not as apt as i wish it would be but i guess as long as it means something to me, it'll do.

alrights! going out to meet shuwei for lunch tomorrow!

maybe i'll bake also. let's see if the weather is good!

loves!!!

vanessa.c

2009-07-26T20:41:00.003+08:00

i.. went out on a date.
i dont know if you'd call it a date-date though.
justin sent me a message last night and asked if i was doing anything later today (sunday). i told him i was free and he asked if a movie sounded good. so i agreed, at nearly 0100 in the wee morning! or is that called the twilight zone?
and apparently, i joined my church's young adults choir.
SAY WHAT?!!!
i know. i am amused at myself too. what did bird get me into?! oh shoot me. HAHA!!! okay la, i was partly willing to join also. HAHA!!!
so after church, and lunch with bird and a couple of other people, i took the bus down to bishan to meet him. for once, i was earlier.
erm, i've actually met him twice before this, so... yeah. haha!!!
(:
we ended up getting tickets for harry potter which was at 1300, which also gave us half an hour to burn. so we headed to cartel and had drinks and then watched the movie.
throughout the movie, which was pretty good, he had his arm on the left armrest; which is where i always lean on. so i had a hard time refraining from pushing his arm away so i can rest. haha!!! yes, i have a case of obsessive compulsive disorder.
honestly speaking, he's REALLY sweet. he'd open the door (not all guys do), let me walk first and he really listens!
(:
where this is heading i dont know, but it's nice to hang out with him.
(:
doesnt hurt that he has nice eyes too!

anyways! on a side note, i saw this website making burger cupcakes and i'm so tempted to try it really soon! if the weather's good this monday - wednesday, i think i just might try!

alrights! think i shall be going off and clear up my table!

kathryn scott
at the foot of the cross

at the foot of the cross
where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
through the judgement You received

and You've won my heart
yes You've won my heart
now i can

trade these ashes in for beauty
and wear forgiveness like a crown
coming to kiss the feet of mercy
i lay every burden down
at the foot of the cross

at the foot of the cross
where i am made complete
You have given me life
through the death You bore for me

and You've won my heart
yes You've won my heart
now i can

trade these ashes in for beauty
and wear forgiveness like a crown
coming to kiss the feet of mercy
i lay every burden down
at the foot of the cross

i'd trade these ashes in for beauty
and wear forgiveness like a crown
coming to kiss the feet of mercy
i lay every burden down
at the foot of the cross

and You've won my heart
yes You've won my heart
now i can

trade these ashes in for beauty
and wear forgiveness like a crown
coming to kiss the feet of mercy
i lay every burden down
at the foot of the cross

i'd trade these ashes in for beauty
and wear forgiveness like a crown
coming to kiss the feet of mercy
i lay every burden down

i lay every burden down
i lay every burden down
at the foot of the cross

i'm laying every burden down
i'm laying every burden down

vanessa.c

2009-07-25T12:52:00.002+08:00

they fly around in her mind with no space to move about;
each memory forcing its way into another's space, pushing and shoving.
ever searching, ever wandering, always on the look out for an exit sign.

vanessa.c